Running out of optinds-RN turned patient

I often post as the RN on this forum, but rigtht now I need support with my conditions and life.Sorry for the long post in advance, just wanted to give a background. I just got off the phone with a mother in which a complete role reversal has occured. Amazing really. I remained calm and collected on the phone while my mother attacked and blamed me and was full of defense mechanisms. Eventually I said I had to let her go as this was simply an unhealthy phonecall and I did not want to take her stress on. But I fear I did anyway.

As a lot of you know I have over 4 years clean in NA and am fully committed to living my life around it. I go to all the meetings I can and took on a huge service committment, Outreach Chair, and I feel a lot of purpose as I can see all the help I am doing.

To start with last week, my best friend asked me to give her friend pain killers and couldn't understand why I wouldn't do that. After that I realized I could no longer be friends with that person as she was using prescription pills. 3 days later I had to put my only trully friend, my love, my strength, my hope, my baby 6 month old kitten to sleep from a rare parasite that came on suddenly. I got her ashes back today. On that same day I lost my soul mate/ex boyfriend/ current whatever you call it as he blamed my cats death on me and said some awlfull unforgiveable things. That's 3 friends in 3 days. He was also a financial support for me.

During my time of grief I turned to one of my few friends left, who didn't answer or return my phonecalls, and when he did call back a week later he said he just needed a break from the phone. I realized he wasn't really i friend at all as I would go completely out of the way for him, but he has never done anything in return. I have 2 friends left, and one of them is sexually attracted to me.

Today I found out from the job that I was about to start-I went through the orienatation process, signed the W-2 and everything, and they said I couldn't be hired because of a mistake they made with my drug screen, which accidentally turned out positive, despite my documentation of legallity. My mom has stated she can't support me anymore and I need to work. I know in my heart I'm incapable of working but went along with this anyway as I felt pushed by my mother. It was probably a God sent that they couldn't hire me.

My mother flipped out and somehow managed to blame me for everything. She said she can't support me anymore and i don't know what to do. I just moved to San diego and have made a home here, I'm involved in NA, and except for the constant pain, bowel problems, and exhaustion, I am generally happy and accept my life and condition. I don't want to move and don't even know what family memeber could take me in. I already only have 2 friends here, and it took me a year to make them, I don't want to start again.

I've applied for disability and SSI again and am waiting to hear back. got denied the first time as "I hadn't worked for enough years" and was too young. ********. In my opinion it's because I don't have a clear cut diagnosis. I could easily get it for my back injury, but my stupid doctor can't manage to get my records together to fax them over to the orthepedist she reffered me to so I can get an MRI and a diagnosis. I could also easily get in there for my past mental history, but I've never been more emotionally stable than this before and don't want to be labeled as a psych case-which is what doctors call me now anyway because they can't find cause for me symptoms.

I switch insurances next month and get a new primary. I hope, just hope that this one will listen and do for me what other doctors haven't. It's really my only shot. I just feel if I get a diagnosis I can get disability and SSI and won't have to worry about my mom supporting me. I don't want to end up homeless or turning to that guy as I don't want to give myself to him just to get support from him in return, even though he has offered to give me support regardless.

Any ideas or suggestions right now would be great. Or if anyone would be willing to talk to my mom....kiding. I just am so scared and my luck hasn't been that great the past couple of years, so what reason do I have to beleive that my luck will turn around?

Sara