Baby Angels User Group
Afraid
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This is group was designed to give support to grieving parents who's infant has become a Baby Angel. May you find comfort within this group and know that you will never have to walk this journey alone! God Bless All of Our Baby Angels!

Founded by rdh1981 on September 24, 2009
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Afraid

HI! I have not shared my story yet on her so here it goes... In May 20,2008 we found out we were expecting our first bundle of joy. My husband is Active Duty Air Force and we were stationed in Ramstein, Germany. We had come home on leave before we couldn't travel anymore. All of my appointments had been great. We got married 1 month before we had to report to Germany so we didn't get to go on a honeymoon. So while we were home in Oct 2008 we decided to take the honeymoon that my in laws had gotten for us to take. While we were at Daytona Beach, FL. I had started to get pains on my right side just below my rib cage. I didn't think anything of it until the laying on my side and resting didn't help. So I went into a hospital and they got me all hooked up and did labs and such. Everything was fine with the baby, but my blood pressure was through the roof. They told me that they needed to life flight me to another hospital that had a NICU at it since the one we were at only had a full term nursery. Later on that evening I was life flighted from Centeral Florida Regional Hospital in Sanford to Florida Hospital South in Orlando. It was then that they told me that I had severe Pre-eclampsia and HELP syndrome and that I would have to deliver my baby who was only 27 weeks. My in laws and husbands side of the family all lives in the Orlando area so they were with me through all of this. I had called my Mom and Dad. My Mom flew down that day and my Dad was on the road working so he couldn't come just yet.

On October 30th 2008 at 1422 my precious baby girl Amelia Elizabeth was born. She was 11in long and 1lb. She was such a cute baby and so very precious. Her doctors and nurses said that she was a feisty one. She only needed to be on a veltilator (sp?) for 1 day and then was put on a CPAP. She then had forced the CPAP off of her and kicked the O2 Monitor that was around her foot off so they ended up putting her on a nasual canula instead of the CPAP since she didn't need that much oxygen (which the doctors were amazed by because of her age most need oxygen support) and she still removed her O2 monitor as well as her heart rate monitors. She was under the Bili lights for 2 days and she removed her eye covers 7 times. She started getting sick at day 10. She was diaognosed with NEC (Necrotizing Enterolitis). They had been feeding her my pumped breast milk and her intestines weren't fully developed. They thought that it was so unusual with her b/c the lungs aren't suppopsed to be one of the last things to develop and the intestines are supposed to be earlier. Anyway, her intestines weren't fully developed enough to digest my breast milk and they started to get inflammed and infected. They got so infected that they started to die. She had to have a surgery to be able to take out the dead and dying tissue and segment her good and ok intestines back together. The dr said that he would go back in the next day to see if the intestines would start to pink up after removing the icky stuff. They gave her lots of fluids and meds to be able to help her fight off the infection. By this time it was day 14 and they still didn't know what to do from there. We could tell that she was retaining some fluid and wasn't urinating very much which was of great concern. So the next day (day 15) they went back in to see if her good and ok intestines had stayed good and had gotten better. Instead they found the ok, dead and the good, ok. They then knew that there was nothing left that they could do. The doctors had informed us of our options. Option 1. Continue to give her IV food to be able to have an intestinal transplant and to look into why she isn't urineating and hopefully figure that out to be able to have the transplant, BUT she needed to be at least 10lbs to be able to have the transplant. In the meantime with the IV food to get her to 10lbs it would be around 9-12 months to gain that much weight AND if she was on the IV food for that long it would have destroyed her liver so she would need to get that transplanted too or Option 2, which was to make her comfortable with the IV food and pain meds and take her off life support.

We of course chose Option 2. They made her comfortable and told us to call anyone else that we wanted to come down. My family all lives in Minnesota so they all had to make flight and work arrangements. Later that night my Sister, Aunt and Uncle and my Grandparents all had come down to FL. The doctors said that once they removed life support it would only be about 45 min before she would pass. We decided to call in a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep to come take professional pictures for us with the whole family there. After we had the pictures done, all the family left my DH and I to be able to have our time with her. She suprising lasted 8 hours. She passed away at 0804 on November 15, 2008.

We recently got pregnant July 30 and found out on August 13. We found out on September 16 that we had lost the baby and had a D&C on the 17th.

Ever since then it has been a struggle to be positive about wanting to concieve (conceive) again. I am just so afraid that I will never be able to be pregnant. Getting pregnant isn't an issue. The doctors said that there isn't an issue with me. They said that the miscarriage was bad luck and a fluke and with Mia that it was such sudden onset and there was no way to detect it. They said that I may have to be on blood thinners when I get pregnant again but other than that nothing wrong. I am just so afraid of having to go through this heartache again. I am afraid that I will be able to get pregnant and then lose the baby over and over again.

I am so scared and I don't know where to turn. I go to support group every month and am seeing a therapist as well. I want to be pregnant so bad and have my own baby. I long to feel that baby in my arms so bad. I have wanted to be a mother all of my life I didn't picture it to be like this. I know that I am a mother but I want to be able to take care of a child and raise one.

I just don't know where to turn next.

Thanks for reading this!
Erin
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3 Comments
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127124_tn?1326739035
Thank you for sharing your story.   I'm very sorry for your loss.   I hope someday you will be able to hold a healthy baby in your arms and he/she will grow up to call you mommy.
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1560409_tn?1295014049
Hi erinbeth2, i'm so sorry for your loss but i assure u i know what u are feeling b/c i have a similar story, we lost our angel Zakh in July 2008, he was 6months old & in Dec 2010, we had a miscarriage @ 14weeks, 2 days after the last appt where we heard his heartbeat & the doctor assured us all was find. i felt contractions & when we got to the hospital, i started bleeding, the doctore arrived & told us we lost our baby again, ihad a d&c & that was it. so i want to assure u i know what u feel but i haven't lost the hope & faith to start TTC b/c we have put our hope in God. Him alone can console ur heart & give u back the hope & take away ur fear. follow ur doctor's instruction, let ur body heal emotionally & physically, then put ur trust in God & start TTC. in God u find peace, acceptance (b/c He alone knows why all happends), comfort, joy, faith & courage to move forward. don't let fear & grief take away the joy & good thins God has prepared for u. talk with ur darling, share ur pain together b/c that's how u both heal & pray b/c through prayer, u'll get closer to God & he'll heal ur pain. this is how we have been able to go through it my husband & I, once we're ready we'll start TTC.
the Bible says "two is better than one", u're stronger 2 than if u were alone & pray, put ur trust in God & u'll get better as days go on. use these Bible quotes to pray Philippians 4 vs 4-9 & Hebrews 11 vs 1 (if u have a Bible read them or u can read it online).
may God bless u & ur husband & may He grant u His peace through Jesus.
stay blessed & courage. sorry again for ur loss but i pray ur fears go away so u shall find & experience the joy of motherhood. have faith & being afraid will be a story...
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1586905_tn?1323208050
Hello Erin,

I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story, that must have taken a lot of courage to share.
I myself have had two miscarriages as well. Mine only grew to be 7 weeks, but I know how empty the feeling can be when trying to conceive and finally being successful, only to be let down again.
I wish you a world of luck, someday soon enough I am sure you will have a beautiful healthy baby!

Erin
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