In 2002 I lost my first born and only daughter Bailey, to a very rare genetic disorder called Aperts Syndrome. She
was due Christmas of 2002 but I ended up going into labor and delivering on Nov 17th 2002. I had absolutely no idea
my baby girl had anything wrong with her, and definitely did not expect to walk out of labor and delivery empty handed, but I did.
In 2004 I gave birth to my second son Michael, he was and is perfect in every way.
In 2006 I gave birth to my third son Aiden, he too was and is as healthy as anyone could ask for.
In 2008 my final(or so I thought) try at having another little girl landed me with a beautiful son named Conner.
Now, I love and absolutely adore my boys, but deep down inside I was empty. I missed my little girl, and all I ever
wanted was to have a little piece of her to be able to hold, cuddle and watch sleep peacefully. My now ex husband
and I were torn on whether to continue having children, he didn't want anymore and decided to get a vesectomy. I
had lost all my hopes and dreams of ever being able to hold and meet my daughter, or at least part of her ever again, which in turn was part of the reason for our divorce.
Then I met Mat, my now beloved and amazing fiance'. We were instantly best friends, and he was always there when
the memory of losing my baby girl struck full force. He helped me and continues to help me carry the sometimes
intolerable pain of losing the most precious thing I had ever laid eyes on, let alone carry inside of me for so
long. Mat and I knew we wanted a child together, but we also didn't want to rush into things....I was terrified to have another child, I thought for sure the good lord had no plans for me to be a mother to a wonderful daughter, and I was dealt the blue card for all eternity. Mat has 2 boys of his own, so it's 5 boys between us, and I was extremely nervous that another boy added to the family wouldn't be a good idea. I had fears that I would resent another son, and not be able to be a good mother to another son because I desperately wanted a daughter, so we treaded the idea of
pregnancy very cautiously.
But in April 2010, I decided to take a pregnancy test due to a late period. I didn't think it would happen at that
point in my life, as I had a lot of stress going on with a divorce, and virtually losing everything I ever had...but when I looked down at the test...sure enough it was positive. And so was the second test, and third test, and the final test was also showing the most beautiful 2 pink lines I have ever seen in my entire life. I was shocked, horrified, but absolutely thrilled. I instantly showed Mat, and we hugged, this was our 3rd pregnancy, 2 of which ended in miscarriages. We were both extremely scared, but extremely happy to have a 3rd chance at bringing a baby into a very loving home.
My pregnancy went on uneventfully, it was fairly easy. I had morning sickness, and I constantly rode an emotional
roller coaster from 12 weeks on. I had dreams of pink, that were quickly shattered by blue bows and ribbons. I
wanted a daughter so bad it hurt me every single day, to sit there and wonder what it would be like to buy pink
clothes, pink accessories and cute little hair bows. Mat and I constantly talked about whether we wanted the sex of
our baby to be a surprise, or whether we wanted to know the sex of the baby. I had mixed emotions about this, I was
hoping if we left it as a surprise I would have a better chance of getting a girl. And I was also scared that if I left the sex as a surprise, and we had a son, I wouldn't be able to bond with him due to being disappointed. I figured, finding out the sex was my best option at protecting myself and my unborn child emotionally. If it was a girl fantastic!!! But if it was a boy, I would at least have some time to both grieve and get used to the thought of another son, which would give him the best possible chance for me to bond with him after birth.
At 16 weeks, we had our ultrasound...The tech showed us every aspect of our little bean. And she saved the best for
last...the sex. At this point Mat was assisting my 4yr old in the bathroom, so I was alone, on this bed looking at the ultrasound screen...hearing..."It looks like a girl". I was dumb founded, I didn't believe the tech at all, and
thought what a cruel cruel trick to play on someone, and even cursed the good lord for his attempt at humor. My exact words "OMG! You Have To Be Kidding Me"! And I cried instant tears of joy, fear and relief. Poor Mat didn't hear the tech say what the sex was, so when he looked at me, he looked so heartbroken and replied "Another boy huh"? And I was quick to mend his heart and let him know the tech says it's a girl....He forgot all about my son in the bathroom, and ran over to hug me, and we both cried. The tech did remind us that ultrasound is not always 100%, and that was kind of like a kick to the groin...If I had man parts lol.
The ride home was quiet, we both were quiet for pretty much the rest of the day. I think we were both incredibly in
shock, and I also think we were both scared the ultrasound was wrong, and if it wasn't wrong, and we were having a
daughter....was she healthy? Or was I going to have to go through another loss. We were terrified.
At 22 weeks they scheduled me another ultrasound because our peanut moved so much at the first one, the tech
couldn't get some important measurements...and your damn right I got a second look at my babies "goods" lol. And I
will tell you something, when I seen those little hamburger buns, I cried. That was the most beautiful thing I and Mat had ever seen, and it was clear as day a hamburger bun! The rest of my pregnancy went on smoothly, we were very
reluctant to buy anything pink, or anything baby-ish at this point. We were nervous that the sex of the baby wasn't
what we were told and that we only seen the hamburger bun because thats WHAT we wanted to see more than anything, but we did...we bought baby stuff, and it was pink!
I again had another ultrasound scheduled at 36 weeks to check the position of the baby. I wasn't doing anything as far as cervical changes, and the baby felt like she kept going from the head down position to breech. We of course had to have another look at the "goods" I needed much reassurance that I wouldn't have to exchange the pink for blue. My baby was positioned wonderfully head down like it should be, and the hamburger buns weren't just a figment of our imagination, because we seen it again, and it screamed LITTLE LADY!
On Wednesday December 22nd I had another ultrasound to verify that baby was still head down, and if she was I was
being induced that night. Talk about a bunch of mixed emotions for both me and Mat. We were both racking our minds
and emotionally torturing ourselves with "what if's". We were excited to finally meet the little being that was giving me hell for the last 9 months, but terrified we were going to walk out of labor and delivery empty handed, something I knew in my heart I would never be able to survive a second time.
To be continued. Medhelp has a 8000 character limit lol.
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