Holding back my tears

Today is a hard day for me. It makes 6 months since God came down to take my angel back into his arms.

I had a hard day I've done every thing in my power not to cry. I had 4 people to ask me how my baby was doing today of all days. It's like for real do you not read it was in the paper. Do you see me with my kids you don't see me with a baby. I mean I understand that when the last time that you saw someone and they were pregnant and the next time you see them they are not you want to ask. I hurts and it's hard staying polite when you are hurting and hearing empty apologies. I try not to be rude but it's been 6 months and it's already hard enough trying to move on when you have people in your face. People saying things like "I'm sorry," yes you are sorry your sorry you asked. "I can only imagine,"  you can't imgaine having a child to die y would you want to imagine something like that. I had a child to die and can't or do I want to imagine it. " I can't see how you are standing here you must be a strong woman," I'm standing here becuase I didn't have a choice God didn't give me a choice.

I know he never puts more on us than we can bare but at this point it like come on now foreal. How much more can one person take? It has gotten to the point were I'm scared to ask. It seem every time I ask something else happens. I'm dieing inside.

[wanttobeanewmomagain]

I'm sorry I really needed to vent. This is the only place I felt safe enough to do it.

[rdh1981]

You are totally welcome to vent! Can I ask why you feel that it is not okay to cry? Crying is a major part of grieving and healing! People can be so thoughtless but I have come  to the realization that they are like that because they feel like they need to say something but are clueless on what to say!

Are you seeing a counselor or attending a support group? These outlets are so healthy and they would give you another place to vent! I needed to talk... To just put my thoughts out in the open! It was then I began to hear my sadness and I learned how to cope and understand.

I am here if you need an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on!

Go have a good cry and talk to that sweet angel!

Rachel

[wanttobeanewmomagain]

I have to be strong for my family. My kids look to me for strength and my fianc'ee has been just a mess since Ryan passed. I haven't seen a counselor I can't afford one. I've looked for a support group in my area I haven't found one. I can't talk to my fianc'ee he acts as if I don't have the right to talk about our son. I talk to my mom but she really doesn't understand but she lets me talk when I need to cause she feels I need to get it out. I really don't like unloading on her because she I see it in her face that I'm hurting her. I know it hurts her cause as a parent it hurts to see your kids in pain and you can't do anything about. When my son died that was the 1st time I eva saw my parents cry. My dad is just now getting to a point where he can look at me without crying. That hurts to so I just keep it in and try to smile when all I really want to do is brake down. I just want to curl up in a ball and never come out some times but that's just not possible.

[rdh1981]

Crying is healthy and it is one of the most important steps to healing! Let your children know it is okay to cry and that Mommy is hurting.

It sounds like your DF is trying to put on a brave face too! You guys would really benefit in talking with someone. Perhaps, someone at your church.

Your parents sound so kind! Keep talking to your Mom, she may not fully understand but at least she is letting you talk!

Start a journal and get those thoughts out! Releasing the pain is not letting go of our baby, it is actually given us a deeper connection!

Thank you for sharing this with me! I am here to listen!