I never new this group exhisted until I saw RDH's post on another forum. I'm sure some of you here know my story as I've posted about it numerous times in the pregnancy forums, but for those who don't I'll post it so you will know.
I have 4 kids, 1 on the way and 3 angels in heaven. DH and I have been together almost 11 years now. Our first pregnancy together ended in miscarriage at 9 wks. Our 2nd pregnancy went beautifully, we were so excited to be expecting a little boy. I had my 38 week appt and everything was great, the doc even let my (then) 5 yo do the dopplar to hear the heartbeat! The next day I went into labor and we were so ready to meet our little guy.
Unfortunately things didn't work out that way. When we got to the hospital they tried to hook me up to the monitors but couldn't find the heartbeat, so they did an ultrasound, still no heartbeat. I REFUSED to believe it and screamed at everyone to get MY doctor in there. They finally got her and she confirmed that he had passed away. At that point my water hadn't broke and though I was having contractions they still weren't close enough. They gave me the option of having a repeat c-section (my first was a c/s) or trying for a VBAC. I chose VBAC because I wanted to know if it was atleast possible for me to give birth vaginally. They sent us home until my contractions got closer. As I was leaving the hospital my water broke, DH wanted me to go back upstairs but at that point I just didn't care, I wanted to go be in the comfort of my own home while I came to terms with the news I had just been given. Part of me didnt' want to give birth to him, I wanted to keep him with me.
We eventually went back to the hospital. They gave me morphine and a sedative and I was really out of it. BEcuase of that they had to administer pitocin to help my labor progress. I was so far in my own world that I really wasn't able to push all that way. DH and a nurse had to pull my knees back and pull my body up to help push him out. He was finally born on August 4, 2001 at 12:20 pm. They cleaned him up and brought him to us, so we were atleast able to hold him for a little while. One of the nurses got a disposable camera and took some pictures for us.
I was in the hospital for 4 more days becuase my lab work was all screwed up. Being in a military hospital really sucked at that point becuase I had kids straight outta bootcamp practically trying to draw blood. I was stuck wtih a needle 27 times in those four days and had a massive bruise on my right arm that extended from the base of my index finger to the inside of my elbow. I finally lost it with an officer from Internal Medicine. He woke me up at 7 am after I had FINALLY gotten to sleep a mere hour before only to tell me I couldnt' go home. I don't remember exactly what I said but it must have been pretty powerful. Poor DH was trying very hard to sink into his chair, but the officer never came back to see me, he sent his techs instead.
We opted not to do an autopsy, I just couldn't bear the thought of that. It really wasn't necessary because my doctor told me that he was born with the cord around his neck twice and it was so tight it was almost flat.
We did have a funeral for him. My great aunt had a stillborn back in 1952 and he was buried with my grandparents, greatgrandparents and some other relatives. She talked to the cemetary and they agreed to let us bury our son in the other half of the plot that her son was buried in and to put in 2 headstones. So he is now safely nestled in among family and I know my grandpa and Dh's sister are taking very good care of him. This August he would be 9 years old. For his funeral my Mom made a beautiful candle arrangement, we burned it for a short time at his service and each year on his birthday I burn it for awhile in rememberance of him.
It took months for me to come to terms with it and I went through all the guilt and the "what did i do wrongs" and the "why me's" and "what did I do to deserve this?". I finally realized that it was just one of those things that happen and nothing i could have reasonably done could have prevented it.
DH took it really hard, we actually seperated several months after we lost Joey. He just didn't know how to handle things, he couldnt' talk about it and it made him angry that I did. Talking about it was what helped me heal.
We eventually got back together and worked through that and I got pregnant again. It was a long, rough road becuase of how terrified we were. We both wanted a boy but we were blessed with a girl. DH was visibly disappointed when we found out but he eventually came around. 5 months after she was born I ended up pregnant again (an oops while i was breastfeeding ) and that time we got our boy. In Aug 07 I had another miscarriage at around 5 wks, 2 months later I was pregnant again with our youngest boy. I am now pregnant again with another girl.
I try to use my experience to help others through the same or similiar situations. I hope that by talking to them it will help them heal and also help me to realize that by doing so I can made SOME good out of what happened.
I joined this forum because of ur story. I took comfort in knowing that I'm not alone.
God blessed you with a voice so you help lost mothers like myself. For that I thank u. I'm sorry for your loss but thank you for your tellimg your story.
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