How to Deal?

[Jenni1187]

I found out I was pregnant for the first time in January and went in for an ultrasound at almost 7 weeks on February 2nd. They told me it was ectopic and I was rushed to surgery and they removed my left fallopian tube. Well my coworker/friend just found out yesterday that she is pregnant (two month anniversary of my surgery). And I lost it when she told me. We were at work and I kept telling myself to just save it for when I got home and then I could cry, but I couldn't control it. I broke down. And I have NO idea how I'm going to watch her get a belly and experience being pregnant when my experience was robbed. I'm so happy for her though. She's not even happy for her yet, but I am. It's just that my only way of dealing with my ectopic was NOT dealing with it. I don't ever talk about it (it's no use because unfortunately no one seems to understand but I can accept that) and I honestly try not to really think about it. Crying only makes me feel worse so it's not like I can just go cry it out and be okay. And I don't want to ruin her pregnancy experience, or break down every time she tells me something about it, or make it about me in any way. This is about her and I want her to get every enjoyment she can out of being pregnant, without me bringing her down or making her feel guilty. I just can't control myself. And I'm not really jealous I don't think, but knowing she's pregnant is kind of making me face my own inner battles. So I want to know what I can do (if anything) to separate her pregnancy from my loss emotionally. I would appreciate any help and advice that I can get.

[Jenni1187]

Thank you so much for your support. And for sharing your story with me. I am so sorry for your loss and I don't think it ever gets better. It makes you physically and emotionally sick. It has to make us stronger though. Maybe not immediately, but going through things like that definitely make stronger women. Good luck on your ttc journey and keep me updated! SSBD!

[RainLos27]

Jenni1187: Hello, I an totally whole hearted feel for you. I lost my son at 7 months. I found out I was prego at 13 weeks. Af is really irrgular and I didn't have any smyp at all, even my hpt were negitive and I took about 20 during those first months. Went to the doc they did a test and that also came back negitive. Well I come back to the office 4 wks later for a follow up, and I told the doc I NEED A U/S and bloodwork. Well come to find out I was right!  I was so excited, me and hubby first child! We found out it was a boy so of course he was so excited!! Well we started to buy little polos, shoes, got the crib ready. everything! Well in Sept 09, I just sick to the point that I wasn't able to get out of bed, wanted to be left alone, but just didn't feel right. That afternoon, I called the OBGYN and I went in the office for him to tell me that i lost my son. I was like u have to kidding! and this is the same guy that told me I wasn't prego! Well come to find out I did lost him. That was the most worst feeling that you could ever have. I didn't have any bleeding! So I just thought it was crazy. Its been 7 months and 10 days. I am still hurting. Even thou me and hubby have been ttc again, I still say that no matter whether is 5 wks or 7 months I will forever feel the same way when other women go throu this! I pray that you do overcome this, and that you are there for your coworker if you are close to her. I have found that just knowing that I did everything correct that that my son is always going to be apart of me, has helped me. I wrote alot during these past couple of months. I am still crazy, because I still have some of the bottles and clothes in my house in a box just in case we do get prego again soon. But honestly, you will never forget the feeling, but it happened for a reason, if me and hubby liked it or not.

[madpre]

Oh i completely understand that feeling and im still going thru it.In May 09 i was pregnant and had a miscarriage followed by D&C.At the sametime my cousin who lives in my native country was also pregnant .I felt terrible when i had the miscarriage because we both were a week apart .Everytime i call her i kept thinking tht m baby should have grown the same like hers.I couldnt tell her or any of my close relatives b'coz they were living so far away from me and we did not want them to panic.Again in Nov 09 i fell pregnant and  i felt a lot better along with fear.Unfortunately i had a miscarriage  again in feb followed by D&C .I had my D&C a week before her due date. I felt so miserable tht within the 9 mons of her pregnancy i had to lose 2 babies.I know its not her fault but i felt so hurt.I literally broke completely to my hubby after i spoke to my cousin after she gave birth.The 2nd time around i tld my parents too b'coz i wasnt able to hide it from them and i wanted to very badly share it my mom & dad who are around 8000 miles away from  me. If thts not enough one of my new co worker is pregnant and i had to attend her baby shower yest.I thought i will be able to handle it better since its been 2 mons..but as soon as i went there and saw all those decorations and when they started blowing the feeding bottle shaped candle i felt hurt.that night i went crying to bed.

i know i should feel happy for them ,but there is a part of me which feels hurt tht y did i have to go thru so much when some ppl around me could just breeze thru it.i dnt know if i can come out of it or not..hopefully i do..

[Jenni1187]

Thank you both for your kind words. It definitely makes me feel better and not completely selfish when other people can tell me it's okay to feel this way. My coworker knows about everything I went through. So I'm hoping that she will be understanding and give me some time like your friend did. I know my emotions are going to be tested over the next few months. Thank you both for the encouragement!!

[DMarie919]

Oh how I know this experience.  When I had my d&c last February I had a best friend who seemed "overly" supportive and I thought..she's pregnant. And sure enough, she was.  She was due a month after I would have been so I had to watch her go through everything knowing I would have been there too....it was SO hard at first.  In fact, i'm sure it put a strain on our friendship. Initially I know it made her feel uncomfortable too.  I dealt with it initially by keeping my space and distance and not talking too much about it.  She understood my need for that. Does your coworker know about the m/c?  If not, maybe you should share with her and let her know that it's nothing personal and you are happy for her but to be understanding that you might need your space.  Eventually, over time, things got easier and I mustered up the energy to go to her baby shower and go to the hospital when she had the baby.  A lot of prayer and a lot of soul searching and healing got me to that point.  In the end, I was surprised how I was able to deal with everything that went on.  Sure, you will have your moments but you will have the strength to make it through.  hugs to you...

[smr08]

Jenni, i'm so sorry your feeling this way. It's only been 2 months and your wounds are still fresh. It seems that when we experience a loss everyone around us turns up pregnant, what I really think it is is that we just pay more attention to those around us. Grief is a very powerful emotion and everyone handles it differently. I really wish I had an answer for you  about how to separate the two, just keep in your mind that soon it will be you. Sending you a big ((HUG)). If you need to talk you can send me a message anytime.                              Lori