I am the community leader for the Genetics & Down syndrome Forums. I am so used to giving out help, advice, support and encouragement and yet I now realize there always comes a time when we ourselves find that we need the same help, support and words of encouragement.
Some of you may have read, I lost my pregnancy last week Monday June 7th, at 9w3d. Our little angel stopped growing and a heartbeat which was found to be extremely bradycardia (low - 64bpm) stopped at around 6w1d. We were told to expect the worst, when we found out that the heartbeat was so slow, and yet we tried to remain positive and hoped for the best. There was a lot of confusion with my several ultrasound scans because I have a retroverted uterus, and it caused so much obscurity and difficulty with seeing a clear picture. For that reason, we held onto hope that what we weren't seeing was hopefully a result of the obscurities. Unfortunately, even though all my ultrasounds (5 in total) were internals/trans-vaginal, we learned that the next 3 scans after the low heartbeat were sad, and no heartbeat could be found, as well as no further growth.
We held out for three weeks, hoping that the various technicians at 3 different clinics were wrong, and also waited for a high level ultrasound. But by the time we had the high ultrasound, we knew the worst was upon us. What made it worse for us was the lack of miscarriage symptoms. No bleeding, no cramping and an over abundant amount of hCG and nausea to make things appear normal.
This was my 2nd pregnancy. My first son is currently 10 months old and was prenatally diagnosed with Down syndrome. I felt very strongly about having a sibling close in age to our son, so he could have the motivation and closeness that a sibling could provide. Also, we wanted to ensure that our son had a sibling to look out for him as he would them and not be an only child as I was. There are many reasons we TTC so soon after having him and it took us five months to conceive the 2nd pregnancy because suffer with a tumour in my Pituitary gland. It causes excessive prolactin (the same hormone responsible for milk production, and thus stops ovulation) Without a certain medication, I was unable to conceive and so I started taking the medication when our son Hunter was six months old. After that it took two more months and we did conceive.
I was hoping, after the scares we had with our first son and the worries I had throughout my first pregnancy of the possibility of loosing him due to having Down syndrome, that I would be maybe given a "freebie" on not having a potentially problematic next pregnancy. Unfortunately Murphy's Law did not see it the same way.
After the D&C on 7th June 2010, I was finally able to start the grieving process which I seemed to be unable to do before that. (Mind you, the entire process of arranging the D&C from the Saturday before and the actual date of the D&C was an extremely long and unforgiving process. The doctors at the ER were less then sympathetic and my Husband and I waited an excruciating 8 hours to have a doctor reluctantly make the decision to allow me to have the surgery and another 5 hours wait before the surgery - 12 hours in total.)
I have always known how truly difficult losses were. I remember the first time I had ever heard about loss, I was only 5 years old. My mother was 12 weeks pregnant (with my future sibling who I had begged for) and told me one day, she had lost the baby. In the only way a child could think I had come to the conclusion that it was not possible for a mommy to lose a baby, and I demanded that she go and find the lost baby.... A young girls first experience with sadness regarding loss. I have had many friends who have lost baby's and one close friend who lost her baby at 8.5 months from umbilical cord strangulation. I can never and will never forget that, and because of that, I constantly believed that I too would lose my first baby, and when I nearly did during labour because the cord was wrapped around his neck I seriously reasoned it was going to be my destiny also. Murphy again. But my son survived because I had an emergency C-Section. I thought selfishly that I would possibly be spared such pain this time around, but unfortunately, this time I was not spared. Fate does not spare anyone - and in the end I did suffer the loss of my second pregnancy.
I am now putting the pieces back together, and I do honestly believe what doesn't kill us will only make us stronger, if not for ourselves, for someone else. I know that in this madness of sadness - I have been able to help others, and I do believe I can use this experience to help and hold other's hands.
Because of other friends here on MedHelp, I was able to order a "My Forever Child" pendant, which has the date we lost our tiny angel, and while at first I thought my doing this was a tiny bit eccentric, I realize that it was not eccentric and it was a matter of being finally able to heal. Grieving is one thing I did, and now I am finally able to start the healing process.
I hope that soon my body will give us the chance to be able to TTC once again, and that I will be lucky enough to do so. I don't want to rush, and I never want to forget about this angel who now I believe watches out for my son and for his Mom and Dad, but my age is a factor in losses as well as genetic problems so I hope that it doesn't seem callous for us to want to try again when it is physically possible. I am also adding this angel below my son Hunter's name on my arm. I believe this angel deserves the same recognition as much as his siblings get.
For me this message is also a healing process and I hope that anyone who goes through this very same thing (loss), or has gone through it in the past can find some solace in what I (or they) have written. When we stand together, it makes the pain seem less threatening.
All my love,
MedHelp Genetics Community Leader;
Down syndrome Community Leader & Ds Group Forum Founder/Moderator
Oh Sandi, reading your message brings back many emotions for me that I realize even a year and a half after my m/c I still harbor deep inside my heart. I am so sorry for your loss and my heart goes out to you.
I agree that talking about it and writing about it is a step in the right direction to healing. It's a slow process. I lost my baby last February (09) at 7 weeks and I never would have thought that I would have to endure such emotional pain. I was scarred for sure. I totally know what you mean about unsympathetic health care providers, etc....when you are feeling the worst and you just want support you seem to get nothing in return. And you feel so alone.
And I don't think you are silly for getting your pin. I have bought pins, bracelets and a necklace to remember my little one and while I was ttc again, those tokens were the only thing that helped me hold on. I also put together a photo box with little memorabalia to remind me of the baby and for some closure. I think you need to do whatever makes you feel better and like you are honoring your child because he/she was just that, YOUR CHILD. Don't let anyone think you are crazy for thinking that you didn't lose a child because it was "too early" or whatever.
May I suggest to you a book that has helped me through through the grieving process? It is by Kathe Wunnenberg and it's called "Greiving the Child I Never Knew" I don't know if you have a religious faith or not, but it is a faith based book, but it is easy reading and has daily devotionals etc. You may not be ready for it right away but in time, it really helped me.
And if you like music, I suggest Glory Baby by Watermark to help comfort you....
Hugs go out to you. It took us almost a year to conceive again after my loss. It was a long, emotional year. It took all the strength I had and then some. May God richly bless you with another child as you desire.
Sandi - I had read your journal and my heart just breaks for you. Like Dana said, it brings back so many powerful emotions of when we had our loss.
This is a fantastic support group. Every woman here knows the pain of a loss and the trials of trying to conceive after one. Your life is never quite the same after you have had a baby become an angel. There are lots of women here who have bought/made memorablilia for their little one. I agree that it does help with the healing process. Being able to share your feelings and know that you are not alone is also a great comfort.
You are not alone here, and we welcome any and all venting. Some ladies have been with this group for a very long time (we originally came from the m/c forum), while others are brand new just like you. We are all here to love and support one another and build each other up when one of us is down.
Welcome to our community. when you are ready, feel free to jump on the cycle buddies thread. That is where most of our mundane chatter and chearleading happen. God bless and SSBD!!
Sandi- I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. In my heart I feel your pain. I've been a member of MH since Nov. 2008 after the loss of my beautiful baby boy at 5 months along. I've since had 2 more losses bringing it to 5 all together.
I met some of the most amazing women on the M/C forum that have helped me through so much. Most of us are now in this group, some TTC, some pregnant and some already enjoying their little ones. Many of us have something to remind us of our angels, besides having my son's ashes, I have his name with angel wings tattooed on my wrist.
As Bridgette said, join us on the cycle buddies thread anytime, it's a great place to share and learn and the women there are awesome! Welcome to the group we look forward to getting to know you.
Sandi, I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. I also had a missed miscarriage resulting in a D&C on the 25 Jan 2010. Nothing in life had prepared me for that emotional pain. I found the miscarriage community and this community a huge help, being able to write down my thoughts and feelings and the enormous support has been amazing. I plan to have a tattoo in rememberence of my angel who I carried for 12 weeks but who had become an angel at 7wks.
Sandi - I'm so sorry for your loss! I know the heartbreak all too well. I became a member this February after my ectopic and I really don't know what I would have done without the warmth and support I received from the women in this forum. I think any kind of memorabilia for your angel baby is a great idea. It's a wonderful way to honor the baby and keep their memory close always. I completely understand your pain and believe that a loss is a loss, no matter how early the loss may have been. Seeing two pink lines makes you instantly fall in love. I also plan on planting a tree on the day my baby would have been born so I can watch it grow as my baby would have. I also started TTC as soon as I was able after my ectopic. Not because I wanted to replace the baby I lost. But I did notice that sometimes I would purposefully focus on TTC and block out the pain only to break down all at once instead. So try not to block it out or fake it, it's something that must be faced and shared in order for you to begin the healing process, although you will never fully heal. The women here have been in your shoes and are willing to take your hand and walk you through it. Hopefully we'll be seeing you on the cycle buddies thread. Hugs!
Reading this was hard....not only because it brought me back to my own pain...but because I hate that you have to feel that pain. You are doing an amazing job of "dealing and healing." You are an incredibly strong woman. Hunter will get his baby brother or sister very soon...I just know it. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with all of us. I love you my sista from another mista. XOXOX
Sandi...I just cant tell u, how difficult it was for me to read this.. it was like reading my own feelings....i completely understand ur pain and i am sorry abt your loss.. I was in the same kind of pain as i lost my baby at 7 weeks...i know that we will never be able to get over this loss..and u r really doing a great job re dealing with ur loss.. This group here is very very supportive and helped me to get on with life... Do join us in cycle buddies and i am sure u would feel much better!! [[HUGS]]
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