20 year old son going nowhere...help?

[thismomneedshelp]

like everyone here, my story is too long and layered to lay it all out, so i'll just hit the high (or in this case low) lights. my son just turned 20 last week. we've known he had some problems since age 3. he was treated for adhd until age 12, when he was diagnosed bi-polar. i feel terrible, heart-wrenching guilt over it because it didn't show up until i divorced his dad, and i'm afraid that's what caused it. but this isn't about me. i'm getting counseling for that. he, also, has been seeing a psychiatrist, in counseling, family counseling, group therapy, anger management, had an attendant care in school, a case manager, in and out of hospitals, attended some after school programs offered at our mental health center and on a medical S.E.D. (severely emotionally disturbed) waiver for 9 years. we have utilized literally every tool in our tool box. without all the help we have received from our local mental health center, i honestly don't know where we'd be. he failed 6th grade, twice, but was passed on to 7th because of his size the second time.  last may was the greatest day i've had in years, because he actually graduated from high school! of course the party was just for family, because he really doesn't have any friends.

this is killing me!! my husband, our other two boys, and i are all extremely social people with a lot of friends and we always can find something to do and someone to do it with. it makes me feel guilty to have everybody leave to go have fun and have him just sitting here. he says it doesn't bother him, but i don't see how it couldn't.

here is my main concern: he is in his first semester at college and had already missed a lot of classes and dropped one. he got fired from his last job for driving the van twice, when a few months ago he was told not to drive anymore b/c he fell asleep at the wheel for a few seconds. then he broke his foot and had surgery. so he has no job, is missing school too much. he sleeps all the time (although the doctor upped the doses on  his geodon, topamax and effexor and that has lessened the naps quite a bit), does absolutely nothing around the house unless i practically beg, won't look for a job, and is disrespectful sometimes.

he has had one outlet that he loved. he was a cadet with the police department. he wants to be a cop, but we haven't told him that it isn't an option, b/c his first love and first choice has been, since childhood, to join the military. when he found out he can't do that with bi-polar, it devastated him. so we are just hoping he will change his mind on career choice, and letting him enjoy being a cadet. well guess what? my husband works at the pd and found out dustin is going to be let go from that position thursday because he has missed two mandatory meetings AND he made a phone call trying to access personal information on someone...strictly a no-no.

he doesn't like college, and doesn't know of anything he really wants to be, as far as going to a tech school for training of some kind, just so he can have a marketable skill. i am relatively certain he will not finish school. i've never told him that, but i work at the high school, and had i not been there, i'm sure he wouldn't have graduated from there, either. he has extremely low motivation and just sits back and LETS life happen to him instead of being proactive and making good things happen.

basically, nothing is going right for him. he tells me he feels suicidal, but insists he will never do it because he is a Christian and has a very real fear of going to hell if he commits suicide. whenever he tells me these things, we go directly to his doctor or counselor.

i am at my wits end. we went to family counseling tonight to try and deal with it. does anyone have a similar story? any similar story will be helpful so i don't feel so alone, but one with a happy ending would be just terrific!

by the way, my other two sons are perfectly normal, whatever that is! :) and i thank God for that. but i also would do anything i could to take this affliction from him. please email me at ***@****. thanks!

[ILADVOCATE]

To Tres1965. I understand what you are saying but if someone's son is decompensating they need family support, talk therapy and of course medication not discipline as they are not rational and probably psychotic. Most probably what's going on is schizophrenia or schizoaffective although only a psychiatrist could make a final judgement. When I was a child there were standard rules I had to follow. But that was before I had schizoaffective. But at age 13 when I started "hearing voices" (auditory hallucinations) and "avoiding people" (negative symptoms of schizoaffective I was put down by everyone including family members about "learning to control yourself" and "don't act like a snob" in reference to manic episodes and socially avoidant behavior from schizoaffective. It didn't "work". I became suicidal and even more paranoid of people. I dropped out of college as well.
   What got me back into another college was the proper medications (anti-psychotics), family support, talk therapy as well as psychiatry and the accomodations and supports and services I needed from the college and I graduated with good grades. And recently as my mother entered therapy and now is going to be seeing a psychiatrist I realized it and had her come to terms with the fact that half of the time she was angry at me it was not rational on her end as she was in an agitated mixed state and would snap at anything. But now that she's understanding what's going on (I e-mailed her a Mood Tracker from here) I am supporting her recovery and she is supporting my recovery and advocacy to get treatment for the severe tardive dyskinesia and tardive psychosis (which I am in study for as a criteria) which to an outside observer can appear psychiatric. But my psychopharmocologist himself confirms its not. But had I not received help and support when I started to have schizoaffective I might not be here. "Tough love" which is what you are discussing does not work on psychiatric disabilities especially schizophrenia except to drive a person into despair which is the wrong path. Support and understanding does although I know you meant well.

[tres1965]

I have 2 sons, ages 24/22 & a Daughter age 16. My oldest son had every IEP, tutor, the best of everything that we could provide. He was severely dyslexic, could'nt do math, etc. We put him in a tech college with no clear carree goal, be graduated with a straight A degree in computer programming.
My second son was the brainiac, A's all the way, he graduated & went on to college to get into the Sherrif program. He Works there now. My Daughter is 16 & the jury is still out on her *L*..so I understand different work for different kids, is it fair? No, but what in life is? You just have to pray hard, believe harder, & try to choose your battles wisely. He has to respect you & house rules, if not, put him out 'till he does. That will wake him up & add to respect. Self-pride is making him follow basic rules too, get out of bed & make him do the same...new rules are good, and practical..I realize I'm preaching but I just want to help! Tres

[ILADVOCATE]

I think you should speak to his psychiatrist. From what you are describing it sounds more like schizoaffective disorder to me. He might not be able to do the things he was capable of before and its best to come to terms with that. He could have had aspects of bipolar before but now had the onset of the symptoms of schizophrenia such as psychosis and negative symptoms (not being able to relate to people). His medications should be adjusted but this is the typical age onset for schizophrenia. Schizophrenia with a mood disorder is schizoaffective (bipolar with psychotic features is a possibility as well). That is my disability and as now I am recovered with glycine, a Phase II antipsychotic in FDA study which is a glutamate antagonist a new form of antipsychotic. You can read through my posts for more details. My psychopharmocologist will be publishing the results in a psychiatric journal. Until then you can look up the results under google ''Dr. Javitt, Glycine" and print them out for his psychiatrist. I am advocating for this new form of treatment and the recovery rate and side effect profile is far better than what is available now and there are many ongoing studies. But regardless he may need to take some time off for recovery and his goals as to what he can accomplish be less than before but just reshaped within the limitations of what strongly appears to be schizoaffective disorder. Bring the information to his psychiatrist and ask him.