Advice on dealing with a bipolar wife

My wife and I married when we were 30 and 37, respectively, about three years ago. She possesses so many admirable qualities -- high intelligence, intellectual curiosity, creativity, and has put herself through law school and cultivated a moderately successful legal practice. At the time we married, she had already been diagnosed with bipolar disorder type II, a fact she did not conceal from me.

She diligently takes her anticonvulsant and antidepressant medications and, unlike many bipolar sufferers, has never wavered in her commitment to following rigorously the advice of her psychiatrist. However, in the last year or so, our marriage has deteriorated steadily and markedly. She has suffered bouts of depression, which her doctor has tried to address by changing the cocktail of meds prescribed to her. She was never very domestic to begin with, but now she almost never cooks, cleans, or buys groceries. I do those things myself (we both work full-time). She is extremely untidy, but I've hired a maid to clean the house once a week in an effort to mitigate the depressing effect this uncleanliness has on my own peace of mind.

In the last nine months, she's been spending increasing time with a bipolar support group. At first, I observed that she almost returned from their weekly meetings having drunk a couple of glasses of wine. Now, as our marital problems have deepened, the weekly meetings have been supplemented by Saturday parties and other outings, and when she comes home from these, I can tell she's been drinking. She used to drink more when she was younger, but in the first two years of our marriage, she mostly kept to a healthy regimen of an occasional glass of wine with dinner; there were occasions when she drank too much, but these were few and far between. What I'm getting at is that, inexplicably, these bipolar meetings are having a deleterious effect on her mental health. One would assume that bipolar sufferers are at least rational enough to understand that alcohol and bipolar (not to mention bipolar meds) are a bad combination. Instead, they act as her enablers.

I'm now 40 (this is my first marriage), and I've expressed repeatedly to her my desire to have children. Not only has she always maintained that she wanted to have children, but she has even mentioned the number -- three. She's even told me that were it not for having children, she might not have gotten married at all. Yet every time I bring up the issue of starting a family, she has expressed reasons why we should wait. These reasons range from the absurd -- "I don't want to grow up" and "the house lacks enough rooms" (in fact, it has three large bedrooms) -- to the more credible (she fears losing the security blanket of her meds during pregnancy).

I'm finding it harder to go on like this. I love my wife and know that the mental anguish of bipolar disorder can be worse than any physical pain, but I wanted more out of life than her pet rabbit and teddy bears. Maybe that's selfish; maybe I should take it like a man, but I never thought that wanting to have children was selfish.

I'm really at wit's end. We've already broached the topic of divorce, something neither one of us would ever have thought possible. Sometimes divorce seems inevitable, and yet I wonder whether there's anything -- and if so, what -- I've left untried.

What am I doing wrong?  What should I try?  Please advise.

[Rae172]

I am the wife with bipolar we know it is hard and I am also a drinker.  Forgive I know it sounds hard. Have her try AA that is what I am going to do.  Substance abuse and bp go hand in hand most times and we try but sometimes cannot control ourselves

[joycej75]

Dear Rae,

thanks so much for replying.  Do you mind if I ask you whether you have children?  If so, were you wracked by fear of pregnancy and/or motherhood?  I was told by my GP that during pregnancy, bipolar is often stabilized without need of medications by hormonal changes, etc.  If so, that's good.  I've also been given to understand that the risk of fetal defects is low if the mother limits herself to Lamictal.

Thanks in advance.

[bernie40]

Hi, I can hear a man who loves his wife very much but who has not received any support whilst doing his best to support the woman he loves.  I am also the bipolar wife and my husband was the unsupported spouse.  Bipolar nearly destroyed our marriage because i became so obsessed with it, I literally lived, ate and slept the condition.  I spent so much time on this forum searching for answers that I neglected my children, my marriage and my home.  Don't get me wrong, this forum was my lifeline and without it I'm not so sure I'd be as well as I am now - back to front I know, lol.

First off you are right that alcohol and BP does not mix.  I gave up alcohol, don't touch a drop of it as i easily become dependent but the temptation is very strong, especially when I am feeling very down.  It sounds to me like your wife's consultant has not perservered with finding the right medication for your wife and by drinking alcohol she is in effect self-medicating.

Talk of babies is an out of bounds issue for her at the moment.  She doesn't know where she is in her own head let alone start to think about bringing a child into the world.  This doesn't mean that she will never have children though.

A big thing when going through a bipolar episode is that too much pressure creates a really bad situation.  You are no doubt discussing her drinking, her BP meetings, her work, with her and on top of that the whole baby issue.  Please, I am not criticizing you here but this is too much being piled onto your wife in one go.

Pregnancy does not make BP temporarily go away.  Each pregnancy is different as is each persons experience of BP.  She should certainly not even consider getting pregnant until she has been stable for a good period of time.

My advice, for what it's worth, would be to suggest maybe attending one of her psych appointments with her so that you can explain how down she is and how out of character she is acting - she may not be telling the psych these things you see.  You need to assure her that you are trying to understand as best you can.  Importantly you also need to have a support network in place for yourself.  You are so busy worrying and caring for your wife that you risk becoming poorly yourself.  There is no shame in reaching out for support, having someone to talk to can make a big difference.

Don't hesitate to PM me if you want to chat further.  I have BPII, I am now stable - I also have 4 beautiful children and another on the way, so yes there can be normality.

[joycej75]

Dear bernie40,

thank you for your thoughtful reply.  What you suggested with respect to putting too much pressure on my wife is a subject I have thought much about lately.

I would like to ask you a few questions in private, if possible. What does it mean to PM?
Thanks again.

[bernie40]

Hi, if you click on my name it will give you the option to send me a message.  I suggest you send a test message first to make sure my end is receiving properly - sometimes there are glitches and there is nothing worse than typing a whole message and then being told it won't send!

I'm in the UK, not sure where you are but there could be a time difference with my response - ie, I'm about to go to bed, lol.

Feel free to ask me anything and I'll do my best to answer.