I'm 17 and have family history of bipolar. It all starts when I was younger, my brother was diagnosed with ADHD and with my nature many believed me to be the same. I always remember from a very early age having trouble with food and eating due to self worth issues and mood swings I also had a lot of suicidal thoughts. I have vivid memories of locking myself in the bathroom and crying, making myself physically sick, I became known as a cry baby and moody child. I also used to get urges to do reckless, dangerous, stupid things such as prank calling my own house and leaving threatening or stupid messages, scratching cars, starting arguments and throwing thing. All before the age of 8-9. Once I got to middle school, things got worse I'd hung round with the wrong crowd just for the thrill of doing things I shouldn't this all however depended on my mood cycles which had started by then, I also started self harming, which has played a huge part in my life even now. I'd constantly fall out with friends, get into trouble and be a little bit of a devil. In the end I was badly bullied and have started self harming more than once a night, I also had become anorexic and had to not only move schools but more miles away from my family to escape it. This lead me to live with my auntie while my parents finished the house. I however began to feel it was because they didn't want me, I'd have fights with my auntie throw tantrums and still self harm. I would also cry myself to sleep on many nights. Sometimes I have very sexual urges and want to dabble in sex it was dangerous and risky to me. Once I moved back home after being excluded from school, I attended another one where I would start fights be abusive, I was disruptive and always getting into trouble. Once I reached high school I seemed to be out of control constantly excluded, and making trouble, I would drink heavily every weekend. I also had an affair with my best friends boyfriend, when I was depressed I was loved when I was manic it was dangerous sexy and reckless. I found myself being drawn to danger and anything that would get me in trouble to the point I was cautioned for harassing a teacher. But this also would stop during my depression and I would self harm, cry and attempt to commit suicide it seemed to be everything for cutting, punching walls to taking multiple pills, and this was only my first year. After that things calmed down and I seemed to be in more of a depressive state my self harm became worse along with my self esteem and confidence. I was still getting in trouble and was drawn to trying to seduce a teacher again reckless and against rules. By the end of my high school years I'd had over 100 hundred detentions, 7 exclusions and fell out with pretty much everyone.
It was around year 10 (UK) I went to see a child mental heath service being referred by school and DRs, however this got me nowhere I was there a year and was told I had some form of bipolar or personality disorder and had to be referred to a higher place then I was discharged with no follow up no nothing all of sudden I was deemed fine.
List of things:
I tend to have depressive swing to mixed then back
high manic episodes are rare and last less then depressive
I am drawn to reckless acts that will get me in trouble
I hate myself, I hate everything about myself, when I look in the mirror I feel sick.
I have panic and aixeity attacks to the point I'm sick and have severe cheast pains.
I still self harm.
I have a bad temper and start arguments over everything.
I cry a lot sometimes for anything or things I don't understand,
I can't let go of the past.
I often feel I need saving from myself
I really think your first step is to take this post to your doctor and get a referral to a psychiatrist. It could save your life, and may improve it vastly.
If it is a personality disorder, then you can get a form of counselling called Dialectic Behavioural Therapy, that is quite helpful. If it is bipolar disorder then you can get medications which help about 60% and the other 40% is getting your head screwed on straight through things like exercise, meditation or yoga, eating healthy, avoiding triggers. Cognitive behavioural therapy may also be helpful.
Either way there is hope and there are things you can do if you reach out to the professionals for help. And be brutally honest. They need to know the sexual things, anger, and self harm.
For the anxiety you may want to look at diaphramatic (belly) breathing. Learning this I found more helpful than the benzo's and has none of the risks.
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