Aa
Apologize in advance
New medical bill. Eight hundred dollar ambulance drive.
I'm so angry. I've got the rage, and I can't do anything about it because it's too ******** cold outside to go for a drive and scream, and I can't freak out at home and throw sh** because it's late, and I don't want to wake up our daughter, or any of the neighbors for that matter.
I'm drinking a big fuc**** glass of wine and taking three hundred mg of seroquel, and I've already got four mg of clonazepam in me, forty mg of propranolol, and four hundred mg of lamictal, and I honestly don't care if I wake up in the morning or not. I just don't care. I'm a financial drain, and I know it's pointless to lament, but I hate being this way. Why can't I just be a normal person? You know, the people who don't go psychotic or get depressed, and just live normal lives without meds and therapists and psychiatrists. And who don't have overwhelming periods of anger.
I'm not even suicidal. I just don't care.
Boo hoo, and blah blah blah. Already know I'm being melodramatic and stupid.
Once again I apologize.
I'm so angry. I've got the rage, and I can't do anything about it because it's too ******** cold outside to go for a drive and scream, and I can't freak out at home and throw sh** because it's late, and I don't want to wake up our daughter, or any of the neighbors for that matter.
I'm drinking a big fuc**** glass of wine and taking three hundred mg of seroquel, and I've already got four mg of clonazepam in me, forty mg of propranolol, and four hundred mg of lamictal, and I honestly don't care if I wake up in the morning or not. I just don't care. I'm a financial drain, and I know it's pointless to lament, but I hate being this way. Why can't I just be a normal person? You know, the people who don't go psychotic or get depressed, and just live normal lives without meds and therapists and psychiatrists. And who don't have overwhelming periods of anger.
I'm not even suicidal. I just don't care.
Boo hoo, and blah blah blah. Already know I'm being melodramatic and stupid.
Once again I apologize.
Yeah. No more alcohol.
My husband and I were talking last night because I was freaking out about the bipolar thing not being in my family, and we both decided that it could be because no one in my family talks about mental illness. Like, mental illness doesn't exist. I know there's depression, even without people talking about it. I don't have a very close family.
I felt fine with the whole bipolar thing until this recent experience. Before I just thought I had some mild form of it, if a form of it at all, because I would just have nice hypomanic episodes once in awhile, that didn't have any negative impact on me or on my life. I also didn't start having any bipolar symptoms until my early twenties when my doctor put me on zoloft because I was severely depressed. First does of 25 mg of it and, no kidding, hour after I took it I was above cloud nine. It was a total disaster. Landed me in the hospital. So I just thought it was medication induced.
And after that experience I was diagnosed bipolar type 2. And anxiety disorder NOS.
But this last experience was NOT antidepressant induced. Nothing in my meds had changed at all, except that my doctor at the time put me on clonazepam, which the doctor in the hospital said was very unlikely to have caused my psychosis.
And, sigh, the doctor in the hospital also said that, based off of my history (spanning seven years), it did appear that I had bipolar affective disorder. And he said my problem occurred because I wasn't on anything to stop the high part of it.
Sigh. I am not happy. This is a real thing now. A not good thing. And I can see it happening again in the future. I feel like a psycho now.
When I had postpartum depression and had to be hospitalized for that, the inpatient doctor was awful. He asked me about my mania symptoms, and I just told him that I wrote a lot and did silly things like make five million chocolate colored pretzels, and that I wrote a 100,000 word novel in two months, while on average getting three to four hours of sleep. And he was such a jerk. He told me that didn't mean I was manic. He said, and I quote, "Well, a lot of the time when a woman is manic she goes to a bar and takes ten men home with her and has sex with them." And then he put me on an antidepressant, which I didn't take. Dude, I'm MARRIED. So not cool, and at the time I was having DEPRESSION issues! Change my diagnosis you ****. I don't give a ****. Jesus.
My husband and I were talking last night because I was freaking out about the bipolar thing not being in my family, and we both decided that it could be because no one in my family talks about mental illness. Like, mental illness doesn't exist. I know there's depression, even without people talking about it. I don't have a very close family.
I felt fine with the whole bipolar thing until this recent experience. Before I just thought I had some mild form of it, if a form of it at all, because I would just have nice hypomanic episodes once in awhile, that didn't have any negative impact on me or on my life. I also didn't start having any bipolar symptoms until my early twenties when my doctor put me on zoloft because I was severely depressed. First does of 25 mg of it and, no kidding, hour after I took it I was above cloud nine. It was a total disaster. Landed me in the hospital. So I just thought it was medication induced.
And after that experience I was diagnosed bipolar type 2. And anxiety disorder NOS.
But this last experience was NOT antidepressant induced. Nothing in my meds had changed at all, except that my doctor at the time put me on clonazepam, which the doctor in the hospital said was very unlikely to have caused my psychosis.
And, sigh, the doctor in the hospital also said that, based off of my history (spanning seven years), it did appear that I had bipolar affective disorder. And he said my problem occurred because I wasn't on anything to stop the high part of it.
Sigh. I am not happy. This is a real thing now. A not good thing. And I can see it happening again in the future. I feel like a psycho now.
When I had postpartum depression and had to be hospitalized for that, the inpatient doctor was awful. He asked me about my mania symptoms, and I just told him that I wrote a lot and did silly things like make five million chocolate colored pretzels, and that I wrote a 100,000 word novel in two months, while on average getting three to four hours of sleep. And he was such a jerk. He told me that didn't mean I was manic. He said, and I quote, "Well, a lot of the time when a woman is manic she goes to a bar and takes ten men home with her and has sex with them." And then he put me on an antidepressant, which I didn't take. Dude, I'm MARRIED. So not cool, and at the time I was having DEPRESSION issues! Change my diagnosis you ****. I don't give a ****. Jesus.
How similar we think. For some reason I didn't want to believe I was bipolar either. I even hired a specialist in the field that I had to pay out of pocket.
He confirmed. Yes. Bipolar. It's just a spectrum thing. My system can go higher than most people. Lower too.
Then my new Pdoc ( of 1 yr) said she didn't think I was "that" bipolar. More ADHD. So she adjusted my meds.
The intensity of the anger you feel is mania.
No one in my family has it either. I didn't get sick until after menopause. Something got screwed up in my hormones.
I'm glad you posted. I was worried you were boozing it up .
He confirmed. Yes. Bipolar. It's just a spectrum thing. My system can go higher than most people. Lower too.
Then my new Pdoc ( of 1 yr) said she didn't think I was "that" bipolar. More ADHD. So she adjusted my meds.
The intensity of the anger you feel is mania.
No one in my family has it either. I didn't get sick until after menopause. Something got screwed up in my hormones.
I'm glad you posted. I was worried you were boozing it up .
I spent all yesterday and a good part of today frantically researching if you can have just one mania induced psychotic episode and not be bipolar. I mean, can you?! Is it possible?! I couldn't really find any answers.
I ranted at my therapist for an entire hour yesterday morning. I felt kind of bad because she just had to sit there and listen to me raving. We argued for a good chunk of time about whether or not I'm suicidal. She insisted that I am. And I told her that I wasn't. I was just FED UP. She would not relent. I'm just so mad. I'm so irritable and angry. I had to control myself not to snap at my daughter this morning, and she wasn't even doing anything wrong, just being silly. I snapped at my husband tonight because I want to call in my alprazolam refill, but he doesn't think I should because I only take it for panic attacks, and he doesn't want me to have any extra medication because he's afraid I'll overdose or something.
I'm angry about what happened. I'm angry that I have bipolar affective disorder when NO ONE in my family has it, and I know it's supposed to be hereditary, so how can I have it?! Do I have some distant, dead relative who had it one hundred years ago? I CAN'T have it! NO ONE in my family has it!
But then I just relate to you guys so well. ;o)
I know I should turn this negative into a positive (I do like being a creative person). But I'm having trouble turning it into a positive because I'm still having trouble believing what happened to me.
Thanks for the nice responses. Yes. I know drinking is bad. I don't even drink normally. I don't like it. I hate feeling drunk. I was just angry and didn't care.
These are my meds: 300 mg of lamictal, 20 mg of propranolol, 2 mg of clonazepam, 2 mg of alprazolam if I have a panic attack (recently I've been using it if I have a temper tantrum. I've become a two year old), and 150 mg of seroquel.
Right now, with the exception of the other night when I took one extra lamictal, I only take more propranolol than I'm supposed to. I don't know why. It's the stupidest drug in the entire world. It doesn't even DO anything. You'd think I'd be abusing my benzos or something. Instead I'm abusing a beta blocker! It's ridiculous.
Anyway, I'll be okay. Seeing new doctor on thursday. Maybe I can get a second opinion. Maybe she'll tell me that I don't have bipolar disorder and instead just have some sort of twitchy depression and anxiety situation, since bipolar isn't in my family at all.
I ranted at my therapist for an entire hour yesterday morning. I felt kind of bad because she just had to sit there and listen to me raving. We argued for a good chunk of time about whether or not I'm suicidal. She insisted that I am. And I told her that I wasn't. I was just FED UP. She would not relent. I'm just so mad. I'm so irritable and angry. I had to control myself not to snap at my daughter this morning, and she wasn't even doing anything wrong, just being silly. I snapped at my husband tonight because I want to call in my alprazolam refill, but he doesn't think I should because I only take it for panic attacks, and he doesn't want me to have any extra medication because he's afraid I'll overdose or something.
I'm angry about what happened. I'm angry that I have bipolar affective disorder when NO ONE in my family has it, and I know it's supposed to be hereditary, so how can I have it?! Do I have some distant, dead relative who had it one hundred years ago? I CAN'T have it! NO ONE in my family has it!
But then I just relate to you guys so well. ;o)
I know I should turn this negative into a positive (I do like being a creative person). But I'm having trouble turning it into a positive because I'm still having trouble believing what happened to me.
Thanks for the nice responses. Yes. I know drinking is bad. I don't even drink normally. I don't like it. I hate feeling drunk. I was just angry and didn't care.
These are my meds: 300 mg of lamictal, 20 mg of propranolol, 2 mg of clonazepam, 2 mg of alprazolam if I have a panic attack (recently I've been using it if I have a temper tantrum. I've become a two year old), and 150 mg of seroquel.
Right now, with the exception of the other night when I took one extra lamictal, I only take more propranolol than I'm supposed to. I don't know why. It's the stupidest drug in the entire world. It doesn't even DO anything. You'd think I'd be abusing my benzos or something. Instead I'm abusing a beta blocker! It's ridiculous.
Anyway, I'll be okay. Seeing new doctor on thursday. Maybe I can get a second opinion. Maybe she'll tell me that I don't have bipolar disorder and instead just have some sort of twitchy depression and anxiety situation, since bipolar isn't in my family at all.
Every feeling is legitimate, yes, even outrageous anger. We bipolar just seem to add some intensity to it. I agree about the drinking. Though I am off all meds now, I can see very clearly how alcohol exacerbates my bipolar, even without the counter indicative affects of medications. I too was broke and felt stranded after my break. I kept saying, "I just want to give up, but I don't even know what that means, give up what?" I don't want to die, that never changes, but I have wished I wasn't born many times. I finally decided that I don't give a crap about the money, the house, the cars, none of it. Is all I care about is connecting with my friends and family, I can do that sitting homeless on a street corner. Funny thing, as soon as i stopped caring if I was broke and focused entirely on healing, my finances have started to improve, my mind too. I am easily sucked into tunnel vision, like I felt like my whole world was going to end, when I went psychotic and landed in jail, there are no psych hospitals up in these mountains. I lost my license, still owe back property taxes, my house is drafty and needs repair, I have a special needs kids, I could go on like this for awhile. None of my problems really went away, yet, but I have finally come to the ability to see that my life is not my debt, my house, my job, what I really care about is my family and my own health. I was in that tunnel a long time though, it was like digging myself out of a grave with a tea spoon, but even a teaspoon of progress adds up over time. I hope you feel better soon. Like I always say, if you don't like your bipolar mood, just wait, it will change.
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I don't want you to drink anymore on your pills. Seriously. You are complicating the chemicals and the pills all respond differently to the effects of alcohol. Stop drinking. If you want a special toast sip of wine for your anniversary party but that's it. Deep down you know I'm right. The problem is you could have a repeat of the mess previously of which now you are suffering the after effects.
I know the bipolar mind too. Remember. I suffer too. When all of our clients got robbed and so did we of over $75,000 worth of property in January I took an extra pill of each of my medications too. Now I'm scrambling to find substitute medications down here in Costa Rica as I'm 3 weeks away from my Pdoc appt. and my trip to the States.
I'm not sure when you post the amt of the medications you are taking if that's your recommended dose or not. But another thing you and I've talked about before. Try your very best to be consistent with your dose and time of day you take your meds.
It's a drag. But remember there are all kinds of things like being blind, not having legs, ect that would be a bigger drag.
People have learned to have a better life because of bipolar disorder.
Creativity is a huge advantage. There are loads of artists, musicians and actors who work in spite of being bipolar.
Sometimes I like to think of it as a gift. Yes my emotions are wild. But I like the idea of strong feelings better than some dull lackluster bored stupid people. You and I have this thing. We must be conscious to work it everyday to our advantage. For example, I have stronger feelings of empathy than other people. That led me to some fabulous experiences with helpless little orphan kittens I raised as a foster mom until they were ready to go up for adoption. My husband would never have thought of doing anything like that even though he has a loving heart.
Plus sometimes even though I'm in treatment too and take 6 pills a day, sometimes I have more enthusiasm and energy for my ideas than plain people. I guess what I'm trying to convey is this: we have it. There is remission but no known cure. There are bipolar cocktail mixes of drugs that we can use to prevent really bad things from happening.
I know you know all of this, and it's just hard. I understand. It's hard for me too. I just think that I constantly need to be reminded that I'm in a better place than any of my previous psychotic breaks which led to a loss of my freedom and hospitalization. My goal is to never, ever need to be in the hospital again. I value my freedom too much and my husband and my friends need me to be there for them too. Peace and Love. Your friend Maxy