Battle In My Brain

[IsItOverNow]

I have become my worst enemy. Everytime I try to talk my way out of a depression or an anger spell I have a full force match going on in my brain!!! I am getting SO very exhausted and don't know what to do. I have dealt with depression in the past but I made sure I was "strong enough" and got through the tough times. I mean, as an African American, that's my family's culture, we handle our business and don't complain. We hustle to survive and we sure don't resort to medical help. Well, after going through SO much already, my EX fiance moved my son and I across the US to live here and then he gave me herpes and left. I have finally reached a point where I am just numb and show very little empathy or affection. I'm sarcastic/pessimistic/cynical all the time. I was already having bad PMS and now my cycle triggers outbreaks! I don't want to get up some mornings. I call in sick or just work from home if I can. I have completely withdrawn from friends and family. My son is 9 and beginning to display ADD symptoms (not sure if he is just reacting to my behavior). I found out he stole gum out of purse tonight and had the biggest outburst he's ever witnessed! I pushed him against the wall and told him I want him out of my house!!! He's my heart! I would die for him!!! What is WRONG with me??? :( I get SO sad and just want someone, anyone to be here with me, to open the flood gates and cry, cry, cry...but then I duke it out in my mind and tell myself to stop being a big baby and suck it up cause I don't want anyone around me! I try to reach out to friends, but then feel guilt, anxiety and nervousness and talk myself out of it. I've stopped going to church. I don't want to go to work. I feel like I can no longer raise my son. I don't sleep much, I don't eat much, I don't even do my hair. I feel like I will never be in a relationship ever again. I'm having suicidal thoughts again, but of course, I talk myself out of them because "only weak people commit suicide". I am officially in purgatory!!!  I won't allow myself to be happy nor give up....but feel as though I need to drown in numbness and an emotionless pit.  My Dr. just prescribed me Zoloft, Ambien CR, and daily suppressants for herpes (can't recall which) but I haven't even started to take them because I'm too scared. Can anyone relate??? Are meds the best way to go? Side effects? Advice? Counseling/Therapist? Group meetings? Someone say SOMETHING!

[IsItOverNow]

I woke up groggy from the sleeping pills, jumped out of bed, went to the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror for 20 minutes. I don't even recognize that person. The thought of driving to work, sitting in an office, smiling at this one, saying hello to that one, staring at a computer screen, going to meeting rooms facing all of these unsuspecting people just freaks me out and I don't want to go! I called out of work yet again and have been walking around the house like a zombie. I have those "tremors" mentioned before and these aweful thoughts of taking all of these pills all at once or jumping out the 2nd story window, or screaming and punching holes in every wall of my home to arrive at moment of peace and serentiy, some clarity.

I'm going to see of my medical provider covers therapy. I've never sought psychotherapy/counseling and not sure what the first step is. Any advice?

[wj74]

I had tremors on Zoloft.

[paranoid_cataclysm]

I have been on meds for almost a year now, I think.  Some take some kind of effect immediately while others take a few weeks before they take any effect.  I see tremors in the list of side effects for Zoloft.  You are taking the correct steps towards recovery here, the hardest steps to take are seeking treatment and actually starting it.

[IsItOverNow]

Thanks for responding!!  How long have you been on meds? I started taking the meds and have yet to feel the full affects, but just being able to go to sleep at night has made me feel a little bit better during the day. I am mustering all of my strength to be reasonable with my son and others and not to overreact. Besides, he will be having a vacation away from home, spending the summer with family. Thanks for your concern, corlenbelspar. Trust me, my world spins around this young man and would definetely seek counsel/family before putting him in any more danger.

Is it normal to have "the shakes" as a side effect to the Zoloft or Ambien CR? I've had a couple of anxiety "ticks" today.

[heyjude1]

Defintely take your meds.  Depression happens from stress and many other issues, however, the  more depressed, the more the brain chemicals get out of wack!  You can't lie or wish your brain chemicals back to normal, it takes meds.  Zoloft has helped many people and it causes very few side effects if any.  If you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, start taking your meds and don't stop.  It can sometimes take a few weeks to get the full effect of the med because it builds up slowly.  There is absolutely nothing wrong going for help...the problem lies when you don't go for help.  Best of luck to you and take care of that little boy.  The child does not understand what you are going thru and please be gentle with him.

[wj74]

I agree. I'm not a med taker usually, not even tylenol. But with my brain, I was forced to take them because my job and family were falling apart. I don't know what I would do without the meds.

[paranoid_cataclysm]

I would say in your situation meds would be the best way to go.  I too am extremely scared to try new medications but I am one of those people who can't really function without them.  All these feelings are all a natural response to what you are going through.  You are not a weak person for deciding to seek medical help, bipolar disorder and major depression are both serious problems some people can't cope with without medication.  After all, it's difficult to function on a daily basis when your own brain has turned against you.