Being Ashamed. Teachers should be in Good Health.

[Bluetwo]

Since I was a kid I knew something was not quite right about me.
I found out in my 30's that I was bipolar.
It's wonderful what modern medical field can do now to treat people like myself.
I was able to keep stable for 15 years. I did have episodes but they were well manage by my doctor and I was able to get back on my feet quickly.

Even today....my illness is terribly stigmatized.
People don't want to hear about it.
I feel very ashamed that I have this illness and its very hard to keep it a secret because things do happen.
I recently had a relaspe. It came out of the blue.
It really knocked me out of the game.
It was so bad that I had to change my med's completely and its been a long recovery.


I work for the school district as a teacher's aid but the relaspe didn't happen in front of the kids. It happen during the spring break. Maybe I had some mania during the school time but it didn't keep me from working. I had a lot of energy.

When I got back from vacation...I had to go to my doctor because I was really flying high on my moods.
He changed my med's around and it took about a month to get that under control. Meanwhile I was still working. People were supportive but I made a terrible mistake telling one of the higher ups I had bipolar disorder and I was under treatment.

I feel the same old shame that I have this condition.
I have changed so many jobs in other occupations or was let go because I couldn't keep up with the rest of the workers. It's very humilating feeling.

I've been doing the aid job for eight years now.
And I really like working with the kids.
Looks like I'm going to lose that too.

And the thing is....I work with students who have disabilities.

What a joke!

Once the staff finds out your defective....they tossed you out like a Leopard.
Your not allowed to have these little defects....it might scare the children.

Maybe I'm paranoid...but I think they will suspend my license because I'm not fit to be a teacher because I can't handle the pressures of the classroom.

Should of keep my problem a secret.

[Bluetwo]

Thanks for the encouragement.

I'm just having emotional throwing up right now....if you know what I mean.
Doctor put me on mood stabilizers two weeks ago.
I was on my old med's for over a dozen years. I did had episodes of depression but recovery time was quick. I'm so amazed how subtle this episode came on. It really took me down. My regular medications I used for the longest time didn't work.

When I was in NV. My moods were in mixed state. It felt really weird. I couldn't stop laughing too.... I laughed at everything. It felt real good but I knew this wasn't the right laughing. I was high on my highs. My husband and son "gave me the eye" and I knew that I was going overboard. If I didn't go to my doctor right away I knew I was going into a serious crash depression.

It just amazed me. Couldn't explain it.

The only thing I can think of is Menopause and the right mixture of badly behaved children was the straw that broke the camel's back?

I will never know this mystery. It will go on the ash heap of been there and done that.

Today and tomorrow I'm staying home.
I'm going to really rest up and listen to what my body is saying.
Doctor just increased my dosage again which makes me sleepy, grouchy or smiling.

I know tomorrow will be a better day.
The meds do work....I just need more patience.
I'll get back in the saddle again.
You do lose your nerve to get back on though.

It will show lack of character to the disabled students I deal with if I become scared and run off.

[ILADVOCATE]

Disclosure is up to you. They can't fire you for your disability. If that ever happens you can contact the EEOC. NAMI has good material as regards anti-stigma campaigns. You have nothing to be ashamed of. A psychiatric disability is genetic. Independent living centers have good material as well:
http://www.ilru.org/html/publications/directory/index.html
Who you disclose to is up to you but you have to disclose to your supervisors if you require a reasonable accomodation. As to whether you want to disclose to other people that's up to you but a person I know who works in a psychiatric hospital as a social worker and has bipolar disclosed at my encouragement and they recieved positive responses. Just state the facts though. Don't tell your life story. But that applies to anything. Keep your job though. Its part of your life and income.