Biolar is such a lonely disorder

[RubyShooz]

When you are in a manic or depressive or anxiety state of mind, do you feel as lonely as I do?  Regular people cannot possibly understand how I feel, or why -- they may try to understand but I always get the sense they think I should "snap out of it" -- nobody understands how much I am suffering.  Much of the time my Lamictal and Lexapro control my symptoms, but occasionally, like last evening, I have a meltdown.  The world seems to crash down around me.  I have had some recent stresses in my life, things that would not bother a "normal" person, but I have difficulty dealing with stress and any change in my normal routine.  Usually at such times I just cry and cry and talk total nonsense -- suicidal thoughts, wanting to tell people I have a serious disease like cancer rather then admitting I am bipolar and unable to cope with certain social situations.

I have no one to pour out my feelings to (except my doctor, but sometimes I just need a friend who understands).  Most of my friends, I can't confide in about my condition because they are not people I feel comfortable discussing this -- OK, I guess they are not true friends.  I guess I have no true friends.  Even my live-in boyfriend seems to be at the end of his rope and he may be getting ready to move out after 9 years of dating, five of them living together.  He tries to laugh and make jokes about it when I have an "episode" -- but I can tell he is moving further and further away from me emotionally.  He is so distant I feel like I am living with my brother.  Maybe he would do me a favor if he would move out, although I don't know how I would deal with the loneliness in my home.  Maybe I should get a dog.

Thanks for letting me vent.  This forum is the only place I feel comfortable discussing my feelings and my deep dark secrets.  It helps immensely just to write down my thoughts.

[bipolarbunny]

Hi i have been looking for a forum like this for a long time. I suffer with bipolar disorder along with borderline personality disorder and anxiety disorder. I live in a very isolated world and my daughter is the only person I have, but as she is 6 years old I obviously cant talk to her about it although I have explained to her that Mummy has an invisible illness that nobody can see and that is the reason Mummy may be crying for no reason sometimes. So going back to the isolation and loneliness, I feel this every day. I cannot speak to family or friends about this is they are uneducated about mental illness and don't see me important enough to go and research what I have to deal with. They don't offer help with my child even when i have told them I am suicidal and feel to go jump in front of a train after dropping my daughter to school, they see me as an 'attention seeker' but do they seriously think i enjoy feeling like this?? Not at all!! That makes me feel very alone. I don't have friends because I have an attachment issue plus the anxiety makes it almost impossible to communicate with others. My child's father use to beat me up and has now been deported out of the country on drug charges so there is no help there and as for the family, well lets just say; the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I am existing in this life only for my daughter, if it was not for her i would keep attempting suicide until it works. Everyone thinks i am weird because of the way I am, Im not into explaing myself anymore as I become very frustrated when people dont understand me. I just dont know what to do anymore because these are not feelings that should be held inside as it only makes you worse. The Stigma on mental health is really sickening and they need to treat us more importantly than they already do

[cynicism]

I've been struggling with this for going on ten years. Sometimes I feel like I'm so lonely that I must be dying of loneliness. This came on after a traumatic incident. Before that, I was a normal person, with friends, a corporate job, money, boyfriends...now I'm wondering what things I should pack to live in my car. I can't make sense of how it all turned, and how much I've lost because of it. I mean, I know I can be annoying, but for everyone to desert me? Even my own mother! You'd think I was a drug-addict or had a criminal past. It's good to read, though, that some of you understand the extent of the loneliness, like how painful to know the holidays are approaching, and that you'll be alone. I have two little dogs, though, and they take care of me.

[Sweetbutpdycho]

I totally relate to everything you are saying! Today is one of those days for me! I can not stop crying and my world is crashing! Thank you for sharing what you have I dont feel so alone with this battle called life. I have written many poems that sound sick twisted and sadistic to others but bi polar people can really relate! It's as if I'm not in my own state of mind and not there like a trance. I appreciate your story it really was comforting to know someone else has my same struggles.

[friendly45]

From reading this I just found out that my physical awkwardness is caused by bipolar.  I always thought it was my own stupid fault. Is there a way of overcoming this physical awkwardness and general social awkwardness?   By the way, I read  at mass without any awkwardness once I have reached the microphone.  The one activity I am totally at ease with is reading.  I also love to sing.  Anybody with similarities?

[luman605]

please dont feel so alone although when your in the depths of a high or low it feels that way, but your not. I was diagnosed when i was 18 (would have made high school so much easier if i knew why i was so crazy)  ive been on zoloft for a long time, i hate therapy and i can talk to my husband but not understanding where i am coming from he dose not know what to do  for me. Recently ive been having a bad time up and down and all over and i started writing again in my journal, it helps me get them out. You should loose the boyfriend if he is not willing to try to understand what you deal with. im am trying to find a hobby so i can have some friends too, you are not alone

[therese83]

This may sound silly, but be nice to your boyfriend, you are gonna be way lonelier when he is gone !

That is my thought after reading your post, appreciate what you have.

[irishwriter]

i too know the lonliness of bp and the risk we take when we tell people as some can be half witted in their responses like 'cheer up' 'snap out of it' 'what happened' etc... i'm lucky at the moment in that i have a partner who understands that he can't cure me but is there for me when i need him which is something i have never had before and i cherish it and him. for the first time in over three years i am beginning to see some light at the end of the tunnel which is great and am on a med combo which seems to be working for me at last. the support on sites like this one is worth gold. you were right earlier when you said we should not be defined by bp. i always say i am not bipolar it is an illness that i have. just like the flu or any other illness. i usually reccommend kay redfield jameson's an unquiet mind to people who don't understand to read. that can help with people's ignorance if they're willing to learn.

[rogelio63]

I know what you mean about the loneliness and it is hard to tell people.  But I've found that sometimes you sell your friends short.  Some that I've thought would flip out and have a cow have been totally understanding.  Maybe I have been overly fortunate.  There have been times when I've been in a room with a bunch of people and not feel like i'm even there.  Seeing people nearby and not being able to relate to them is frustrating.
Soooo, I come on here and communicate with people who understand.  I've been thinking about joining a support group.  maybe we should both join one?
The dog isn't a bad idea either.  Don't get a puppy.  Mature dogs are very wise.
Rodger

[paranoid_cataclysm]

I haven't shared my diagnosis of schizophrenia entirely with everyone I know, it's kind of good though to share it because I can tell who's really worth being friends with by telling them because schizophrenia like bipolar disorder is a highly stigmatized disease.  I've had a "friend" take advantage of the situation although they admitted to it later but that was very wrong of them to do that.  At work only my manager, supervisor, a coworker with bipolar disorder and a few people outside of the company knew about my diagnosis.  I no longer work there but I'm still friends with some of them.  When I was in the hospital and nervously revealed my diagnosis to everyone in a group when they had us tell why we were there, later in another group a lot of people told me I was stronger than I think I am.  Anyway I lost my train of thought but wanted to elaborate on the idea of getting positive feedback but also negative feedback at the same time.

[Lizz67]

I too, feel very lonely at times.  I have a job I love, but only the higher ups know about my diagnosis - and that is because I had a bad manic episode at work a few years ago.  I was transferred at that time to a different dept/building at the time (which i fought as an ADA violation, but that didn't get me anywhere except on the new administration's radar.)

But the point I really want to make is that "being in the closet" is the worst culprit for me and my loneliness and feeling so different.

My friend with schizophrenia said somethng interesting to me recently I wanted to share:
He is "lower" functioning then I am and his friends, family, and work all know his diagnosis.  He said we're different because when he's doing well he gets a lot of kudos and positive feedback b/c people know how hard he has to work at it.

For me, I only get a sliver of that b/c only 3 friends know and understand my situation.  And no-one at work. I love my job, but I don't feel safe being open.
I'm trying to think of ways that I can add some people to my circle.
Plus getting a pet is an excellent idea - for all the reasons the trainer above mentioned. I have cats and they really help by keeping me company, etc.

[lindahand]

I feel lonely too at times, most times when it comes to bipolar. I have one friend who is bipolar and we keep pushing each other away. We generally come back together though. She is a really great person and it is tough to see her struggle. When I lived in another city we had a great support group and I really miss them. It was so nice to be among people going through the same thing I was. We'd meet once a week for a couple of hours and you could talk about what we were going through be it good or bad.

I love my husband dearly and he loves me back. He can't understand though and that makes me feel all alone in this. I think sometimes he has the harder job because he has to look at me being crasy and he can't do anything to stop it. It must be lonely for him too at times.

I would check out support groups for your area. Maybe something that can really help you out in the long run. Not all of them are good though. I have my three session rule. If I've gone three times and it isn't my cup of tea I leave. Unfortunately we only have one group in our small city so that means I am out of luck. I may try again but they were so intent on being ill that they were enabling each other instead of helping them.

I would love to start a competing group but I am not that big of an *** - maybe.

[AngelMyne]

Part of how I deal with feeling depressed, tho Im not BP, is the training time I spend with my service dog. It draws me out of my self, and brings a dramatic sense of change into my moods and my life. It also gives me something to take care of, something that Always Depends on Me. Its not that I have to be happy go lucky every day or anything, but it gets me beyond my self. Inspite of and Despite of my mood or feelings.

It also gives me a sense that I succeeded at something. that im Not worthless.

theres always Puppy Raiser Volunteers wanted... And theres nothing quite like the feeling of knowing youve changed someone elses life for the better, in most cases, the dog gives freedoms theyd never have on their own. The dog becomes Life its self.

I dont know if such would help, hearing me comment. but who knows right?

[mkuesel]

You are definitely not alone when it comes to feeling this way. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to be alone forever, like nobody will understand the Bp condition that I have. Sometimes it gets to the point where I feel alone even when I'm surrounded by people. I also have borderline personality disorder which makes being alone that much harder. I have stayed in very abusive relationships just so I wouldn't technically be alone. So I understand completely how horrible it feels to be lonely.

[RubyShooz]

Thank you so much!  When I feel the loneliness, I can think of all my dear friends on this forum and know that you experience the same feelings, so we are not really alone.  I can tell you my inner thoughts without fear of being judged or being thought of as "crazy".  No one here tells me to "snap out of it" and no one here backs away from me because they don't know what else to do or say.  When I have irrational thoughts that make no sense whatsoever, I know that others sometimes feel the same way.  In my "regular life" nobody understands and it so frustrating -- in addition to the pain of bipolar there is the pain of having no real friends outside this forum.

You are all wonderful and we are all in this together.  That is such a comfort during my bad times.  Someone here, I believe it was btsmith, wrote that we should not let ourselves be defined by bipolar, we are more than just bipolar.  If we let that happen, then bipolar wins!  We are as good as anyone else, and stronger than most people because we are winning our battle against the demons of bp.
Hugs,
Ruby

[Nikki2226]

I'm sorry you feel lonely, but you are not alone in your loneliness!  I have a theory that no one can undertsand what it is like to be bipolar unless they are bipolar.  So, we understand you.  I feel like I want to run and live under a rock at times.  I too, have thought I would rather have some major disease like diabetes or cancer than tell people " I cant work right now because I'm bipolar and I can't control myself on the job."  But the truth is, bipolar is a major illness that can affect your whole life.  It is not unlike diabetes in that it is caused by your body's inability to control chemicals.  I hope you feel better soon!
Love, Nikki  

[bernie40]

I know exactly where you are coming from.  I to get lonely but then again I push people away because I am scared of having too many people in my life, I can really only just about cope with my own family.  It is a strange feeling, I'm feeling lonely but I don't want anyone around me.

Michael has made some good points.  I am starting with group therapy soon in the hope that as well as support it will get me "out" and with other people.  My pdoc also suggested yoga which I shall look into.

The hardest thing is that I can be very gregarious at times and I upset people because they don't understand why one day I am laughing happy and the next I am avoiding them.

I wonder if its so difficult because everything is so difficult to explain, I don't understand half of what I do and say or why so how can I explain it to people who aren't bipolar.

I hope you can find a good therapy group near you or, do you have any hobbies which you could share in a group setting such as photography, art, reading club etc

Take care

Helen

[Venora Moonwind]

When I am manic I get really social. I amke lots of jokes and I am zipping around like Robin Williams.
I  have been on a mini manic so my coworkers think I am a lagh a minute ( and I am LOL)
Summer always maes me amnic a bit cause I love it so much and I feel so good .
remember Never,never , never give up and you are Right!! Tomorrow is a better day.
Love VEnora

[RubyShooz]

Michael, thanks so much for your comments -- your understanding and support.  You have given me some very helpful suggestions.  I will remember your words and try to help myself each day -- the only thing that keeps me from thinking about suicide is the hope that tomorrow will be a better day -- and I know that one of these days, that will be true.  And I will try your suggestions, you have made some excellent points.
Thanks again,
Linda

[Jikan]

Namaste,

I used to feel very lonely when I was in a depressive state(I'm bipolar I as well as major depressive disorder). I know what the feeling is like. I don't have any friends because I'm afraid of people and have been pretty much a loner, anyway.

Getting involved with counseling, either individual or group can be helpful.  At least it will get you out of the house.  You might also consider doing some volunteer work, which will focus your mind someone other than within itself.

Taking a walk or some other form of exercise also helps. Yoga and Tai Chi are both excellent in getting your mind off of being lonely and you might find some new friends.

If you still don't want to get out of the house, learn meditation techniques which will not only calm you, but will focus you elsewhere.

Michael