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Bipolar Disorder

I know that not many of you will be doctors or medical professionals in general, but I wanted your opinion.

I was semi-diagnosed with Bipolar (I don't know which type) when I was 14.  I spent 2 years in therapy where I was diagnosed, un-diagnosed, re-diagnosed etc. etc. with PTSD, Bipolar Disorder and depression.  Nobody (I saw many people in that period of time due to my original psychologist changing areas and then being seen by temporary psychologists and psychiatrists).  After that, I was never given any diagnosis again but routinely prescribed a cocktail of anti-depressants until I decided I didn't want to take medication at 18 due to the fact that they're not a real solution as far as I'm concerned due to them only blocking out feelings etc.

I have a history of self-injury and suicide attempts.

I have not self-injured or attempted suicide since September 2008, unless you want to count scratcing myself when I get stressed (2 occasions since that September, one of them being the last weekend in March).  

I am starting to reconsider the diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder and wondering if I maybe still have it.  I don't want to sound like one of those people who do a Google search and decide I have something.  I believed I had it from the symptoms I knew BEFORE I did the Google search.  There is a history of Bipolar Disorder in my family (my mother).

My symptoms:

Possible Mania:
Extremely irritable
Arrogant/over-confident (at times I honestly believe that I'm better than a lot of the people that I know.  I believe I am more intelligent than them and I am going to succeed where they're going to fail.  I leave essays till last minute knowing that I'm intelligent enough to get a top grade while doing it last minute.  I apply for jobs thinking that there's no way I can't get them because I am so intelligent).  
I believe I can pull anything off if I want to do it.  I believe that if someone else can't do it it's because they're doing it wrong and I can do it better.  I get frustrated if they won't let me.
I believe I can pull off large, extravagent tasks in a short space of time, but I'll start doing them and never finish.  I will start off on one thing and then obsessively make it better and better but never end up finishing either the original task or the extravagent task.  I.e:  I was supposed to be spring-cleaning the flat and started in the bathroom.  Instead of doing just a clean, I started to paint the bathroom... still not finished.
I've been feeling overly energetic and restless.  I get frustrated easily and end up pacing the flat shaking my hands and arms around in frustration and boredom.  I don't seem to be able to occupy my mind.  People make suggestions and I just don't want to do them; I get more frustrated and have a go at them because they're obviously not helping me.
I've been in bed more than normal recently, but barely sleeping.  Despite this, I still have this massive build-up of energy and nothing to do with it.
I talk extremly fast and am often told to slow down when in class or talking to friends and my partner's family.  Most people don't understand what I am saying at times.  If somebody has English as a second language, they need someone to translate into slower English to understand what I say.
I have been ridicously impulsive recently.  I cashed in a £1000 trust fund and spent it in 4 days.  I'm not sure on what other than a £300 XBox.  I am in serious debt but I just can't stop buying things.  This is starting to be a real problem.
I don't seem to be able to stay focused on anything.  I move from topic to topic really, really quickly and people quickly lose track of what we're talking about.  I often myself forget the original topic of discussion.
I treat people really badly at times.  Especially my partner.  I say things, really mean things, things that I know will really, really hurt him.  But I can't stop myself from saying them at all.  I feel such intense guilt as I'm saying them and afterwards but, I just can't stop myself.
I lie all the time.  About little things that I really don't need to lie about.  I can't help it.  They just fall out and I don't even know why I'm lying about it.  There's no reason to half the time but I still do it.  I feel guilty after lying and often get myself in more trouble when I cross my lies over and contradict myself.
I go from periods of not really being interested in sex at all to intense sexual experiences.  I suddently want rough, violent, constant sex or I end up watching lots of pornography and masturbating almost constantly.  I'm a feminist and strongly against mainstream porn (the reasons aren't important here) and I feel extremely intense guilt afterwards.  I tried blocking websites on my browser and typed in a random password, but I still end up doing it.

Possible Depression?:
Irratable.
Complete disinterest in sex.
Intense weightgain (I self-prescribe in carbohydrates)
Sleeping too much.  18 hours a day.  The rest of the time spent in bed, resting.
Feeling like I'm useless and screwing everything up.
General feelings of depression.

So, what do you think?  Do I need to see my doctor or do I just know too much about mental health issues and am self-diagnosing?
2 Responses
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585414 tn?1288941302
Yes it would be worthwhile to see a psychiatrist again. There are a wide variety of types of bipolar. We have some websites linked up on the welcome page for informational purposes. You could discuss that with the psychiatrist as well. In addition keep a mood tracker and print out the results for them as that would help. In between manic and depressive episodes there is what appears to be a period of stability but it does not mean bipolar has gone away as it lasts for life and for most people requires treatment for life.
Helpful - 0
952564 tn?1268368647
You're right, we're not doctors, but it does seem that you need some help and should see a doctor concerning what is happening to you. It is interesting that you were diagnosed and then undiagnosed with multiple things over and again. I would suggest you see an actual psychiatrist and not a psychologist due to this. I would say getting in to see a specialist is your best bet. Plus, if you actually were bipolar before you still are now, it never went away. Bipolar is chronic.

Also, medications are not about feeling blocking, they are about helping a system that is not functioning correctly to function. With depression it is trouble with the firing of the synapses of your nerves and the balance of serotonin. Bipolar is an actual physical disorder that effects the limbic system of your brain through bio-chemical problems. Now, that is the system that regulates your emotions, yes, but it is important for stability and functioning. It is nothing to be embarrassed about.

And yes, scratching yourself when you're stressed is a self-harm, if not as apparent as actual cutting or hitting, but it is a sign that this is still a symptom of whatever is happening with you. I'm a self-harmer as well. I hit and scratch. It's not something I"m proud of, but I know when I'm doing these things then I'm not in a good place.

Anyway, good luck and I hope you find a doctor that can help! Keep us posted.
Helpful - 0
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