Bipolar Ii And Denial, Acceptance, And General Difficulties

Hello my fellow tree-folks with a mental illness part of the Bipolar Branch...

Okay, so, I am new to this board, and I have been having a bit of a hard time with Bipolar disorder II. I am now taking Lamictal with Effexor, and Seroquel when required. I was officially diagnosed when I was almost 18. After an original misdiagnosis, I was put on Carbamazepine (my saving grace back then!) and Seroquel, and, later on, Lithium instead of Carbamaz. I was on the meds for awhile, and then went off them, and had around two years of feeling what I would call 'normal'. I thought this thing had gone away. Maybe it was wrong all along? Then, I developed severe anxiety resulting in constant panic attacks for about 2 weeks and had insane worry about nothing at all. Late last year, however, I started slipping back into depression. This was not all the time sometimes it would be pretty severe for a few days and then...go away again, but over the last week, the depressive side has been horrendous when it came back full-force. Sleeping all day, low energy, craving sugar yet lower appetite, no interest in anything, withdrawn, tearful outbursts (one at work, too) etc and just feeling so awful.

Anyway, as I could feel myself starting to go into it, I had an afternoon where I went to see the doctor to get a referral to my Pdoc I saw when I was first diagnosed. I was paranoid, talking rapidly, had to get her to repeat the questions, and felt depressed. I think it was a mixed state. I have had some 'mixed states' at other times in life, which were always plainly awful.

Then, there were the times of hypomania. I smile when I think about it. I get this physical rush in my body and that is when I know it has arrived. I remember doing things like vacuuming in the middle of the night, noticing patterns and connections in songs, texts etc, feeling like words are suddenly so beautiful, feeling like I want to be around people and 'busyness' (yet also get impatient with it), and feeling like a pretty great person, and that I know something no one else knows (like some of the secrets of the world). I am already creative, but it is heightened more. Everything is heightened. Sometimes I also want to drive fast (yet, I am aware of this, and try to stay safe...so I do have some insight into it), feel like others are far too slow, yet feeling angry when little things happen (e.g. someone cutting in front of me when driving and thinking 'how dare they do THAT to ME'). I do not see it as a bad thing, as I do have insight into it (is this usual for those of you with hypomanic times?). Sometimes it lasts a mere few hours. Has anyone else experienced this kind of thing?

I suppose I do feel like I am in denial and struggle with acceptance...if I had Bipolar I and had been hospitalized or something for mania or psychotic mania, I could understand the diagnosis much more. However, for me, I struggle with depression the most (is this the usual for those with B.D. II?), and the hypomanic times were often brief (longest about 5-6 days, then an awful crash and catch up on sleep etc) but lovely. So I guess I always wonder if it is Bipolar.

In those hypomanic times, I felt I was productive, and my Pdoc did agree, and said it can sometimes be very beneficial for people, but the downside is that you will always crash again, and also, hypomania can escalate into full-blown mania in some...not good.

Anyway, I feel I am still recovering from this bad depression (hurry up, Lamictal!), and I have been upfront with my parents and a close-friend about what has been going on, and I feel that this is a good thing. I am, on the one hand, glad I have my diagnosis, because I am now on the right medications and know what I am dealing with. Also, I feel like this has taught me so much, and I have developed more insight, compassion, and empathy due to it. Also, those periods of hypomania are a lens where life looks different, and not everyone in the world experiences that.
On the other hand, I do not really want to have to take medication for most (maybe all?) of my life, do not want to have a mental illness, worry how to tell people, feel embarrassed to talk to people about it etc. But, hey, everyone has their own issues, and there are plenty of conditions that are life-long etc, and I am lucky I am on the right medical track now. So, I am still in that sticky phase of denial and finding it hard to fully accept, yet feel glad it has been recognised and 'caught' early, and I can help others through their own experiences with Bipolar disorder, or other struggles etc. Do others struggle with acceptance/doubt?

Although I have these feelings, I also know that the only meds that have benefited me are the meds for Bipolar, so maybe that is saying something? hmm.

So that is it in a nutshell. Thank you everyone, and I am looking forward to hearing from you, this is like my first little 'support' session!

[Gnil]

Hi there!!!!!! You are absolutely normal!!!!! Haha!!!!  everything you are and have experienced is normal for Bipolar. I am now 20 plus yrs with this and it is one helluva!!!!! Ride Hehe!!!  But we are Special People as we do have insight to things that other people seem to not get, and I am also artistic and I find that other people just don't see as deep as I can?????
I think we have some gift and unfortunately our brain is working on some other level and that makes us weird to others????  But in all seriousness the bouts of depression are the horrific part unfortunately!!!!! And to get out of that I think the Med's are the only help.
You will have to take med's all your life that is true but HEY!!!!  Diabetics take meds all their lives!!!!!
I have been through all the things you talk about and more don't like med's but I swallow them now and am on a maintenance dose after years of high doses, so it does improve and have been on that dose for a few years now. Still have a crash now and then but getting used to the sign's and quick action HELPS.
Soooo!!!!!!  I call it managing my SG????  (synoptic gap's )
You don't have to explain to people as they WILL NOT UNDERSTAND if they have not experienced it they don't get it. So why explain????

If they can not physically SEE something they can not comprehend that this can happen???
Hence you get the PULL yourself together etc.

I find that you are best just saying nothing unless asked, I run my own business and no one even suspects that I am Bipolar, they might think I am MAD but who cares!!!!  Hahahahah!!!!!

If you look into history most of the talented people were Bipolar, artists, poets, great leaders, etc. And who are we to complain about that, tells me we have somthing??????

So keep up your good work, and I hope I hear from you Here's To Life Man!!!!!!  
  

[helplogan]

Accepting we have an illness that is going to need treatment for the rest of our lives is never an easy thing to do. I have to take a combination of medications and as I have a diagnosis of rapid cycling bi-polar.  If Not taking medication was an option we would  all be jumping but for joy but for most of us it's a necessity and can greatly improve our quality of life. As I personally never have a stable period because I constantly cycle I have had to accept that in my case what relief I do gain from the medication I take has its limitations and my doctors have always been brutally honest with me regarding that. So my expectations on any resulting treatment has stayed realistic and though there are times I've seriously wondered why I bother taking them if they aren't doing more to help me, Contemplating what I could potentially be dealing with without taking medication of my life before diagnosis, treatment and

[helplogan]

I really need to get on my computer, stupid phone!
What I wanted to finish by saying is, the memory of my life before diagnosis, treatment and taking medication is still there and though what I take doesn't keep me stable, it has improved my quality of life if not my families too.
When it comes down to us being artistic, intelligent  and gifted I was obviously in the wrong queue because it missed me :-)

[lindahand]

A person with Bipolar 2 usually spends twice to three times as much time in depression as hypomania and the suicide rate is higher among bipolar 2 from one study I saw fairly recently.

Acceptance is hard. When the doctor first said "I think you have bipolar disorder and would like to send you to a psychiatrist" I went on every web test I could find and skewed the answers so it came out that I wasn't bipolar. lol. It took my psychiatrist about 8 months before he formally diagnosed me as bipolar 2.

And you may not have to take medication your whole life. They are doing some research with MRI's and magnets, that shows promise. They found that people with bipolar who had MRI's showed improvement. They are also doing some research with some other medications so if you do have to take meds your whole life - may be a better type of med.

Somedays I fill my weekly pill container and resent it. Resent that I have this disorder. Resent that I have to take these pill, Get mad/frustrated at the side effects. But when I stop and think back to life before meds. What a mess. I started to ultra rapid cycle last episode. It was so scary. I became suicidal. One night I decided to turn a 6 person table into a 4 person table. Old oak table. All I had was a hammer and screw driver. I did it, not well, the table is a little warped, but it was this frantic energy.

It took me a loooong time to find meds that helped. So it may take a few kicks at the can. I finally found a combo that helped about 1/2 way. I was on it for about a year and a half. It was causing weight loss to the point of being dangerous, and fatigue. So I switched to something new and it gave me a life. It was amazing. The side effects at first darn near killed me. I had horrible stomach pains, but after about 2 months they went away and now I am doing probably about 80% mood wise. Had a bit of a blip that last 8 weeks. Went on birth control because of low estrogen which lower lamotrigine levels so I got a bit unstable.

I am starting to fall asleep at the computer. It does get easier. Acceptance too comes in waves I am finding. Sometimes I am very accepting and other times I rant and rave about the unfairness of it all and other times I get caught up in the 'if I do everything right (eating healthy, exercise, meditation) then maybe I wouldn't have bipolar." and then I beat myself up for not being a better person (usually this one comes when I am depressed).

It's a journey. There is lots you can do to tip the scales in your favor. In our bipolar education class they said the medication is 60% the other 40% is how well you take care of yourself, and managing your triggers. So we do hold some power.

[bonae]

hi i was diagnosed as b polr 25 yrs ago. i was going  through a rough time in my marriage. the drs told me since my mother and her father and uncle were bp i definitely fit in that catagory. i would cry alot sleep alot and go thru phases which the drs called rapid cycling. in the last 10 yrs my younger sister has been diagnosed with bp she has  been institutionalized twice due to phycosis.  what the drs  did not know was  that my sister has always been experimenting with drugs. which is what i think her real problems was. i had taken pain meds during the years that i was supposively bp and i am very anti drug today. i have been taken off of almost all of my bp med nuerontin abilify celexa and down to only 25mg of lamictal a day. i feel much better i can think clearer than i have in years and i can feel inside of me again. i will soon b totally off of these meds.my new dr sees no need for them either since i have never had an episode of phsycosis. in the last 9 yrs i was discovered to b narcoleptic and that is why i slept so much. i havent taken the meds for that in the past two months i think that has dissapated. i just wanted to say b very sure u r diagnosed properly or u could b taking meds for the rest of ur life for something u dont even have