I'm starting to worry that I might have bipolar disorder (not sure which kind). I don't want to jump to conclusions or try to self-diagnose myself, but it would be really helpful to get my thoughts out and hear some feedback. Looking at my life thus far I see quite a few red flags...but I could be seeing patterns and symptoms that aren't there or aren't significant. I'm just not sure. Does this sound like bipolar to anyone else? Does anyone have any advice about where I should go from here. I'm at a particularly hectic juncture in my life (I'm totally broke, my Thesis Defense is in two weeks, and 6 weeks until I graduate and get thrown out into the real world, AH!) and I'm having a really hard time right now, and I'm just not sure what to do.
I was diagnosed and treated for major depressive disorder and general anxiety starting in the winter of 2008 shortly after starting college and continuing until summer of 2011 when I somehow pulled out of it. I suspect I've had one or two depressive episodes before, especially between 7th grade and my sophomore year of high school as well, but I was not treated.
When I'm depressed I don't do much of anything. I don't leave the house if I can avoid it, I skip a lot of class (which is very uncharacteristic of me), and when I'm at school or in public I go out of my way to avoid being seen by anyone or talking to anyone. I get horribly self-critical and self-loathing, and utterly isolate myself. Sleep-wise, I either don't sleep at all for days on end (when my brain just won't stop firing away), or I sleep upwards of 14 hours a day and have absolutely no interest in getting out of bed and doing anything. I cry all of the time, I gain weight, all the standard depression stuff, I suppose.
Also, for as long as I can remember, I've never been much of a sleeper. I can remember watching the minute hand of my alarm clock tick away starting at my bedtime at 9pm until 3 or 4am on a pretty regular basis, at as early an at age 7 or 8. Strangely, waking up was always a painless affair when I was growing up even when I frequently only slept from 3am-6am or so. I just wasn't tired. I don't nap. I'm not capable. It usually takes me at least 3 hours to fall asleep. I also tend to become nocturnal when I have a choice. During summers, I usually go to bed shortly after sunrise and get up in the afternoon.
My family history with mood issues (at least from what I know) includes two people who committed suicide whom I know very little about, an aunt on my mother's side with Bipolar Disorder type I (she had to be institutionalized when a manic episode crossed over into psychotic territory and she was seeing demons and jesus was telling her to jump off a balcony or something along those lines), and another aunt with chronic depression and anxiety. My last psychiatrist actually suggested to me that I might be bipolar II because of my depressions, weird sleep issues/ racing thoughts, and family history of bipolar disorder.
Right now, I'm not being treated for anything. After things started looking up last summer, I got off my meds (celexa and wellbutrin mostly) and was absolutely thrilled to finally be happy again. I stopped smoking weed, and drinking (which I did quite frequently when I was depressed), started exercising and eating right. I lost the 40lbs that I'd gained while I was depressed. And was just generally doing really well, it was great! My volume knob on my general anxiety was turned down from a constant 8 to a hardly bothersome 1, which was the least anxious I'd ever been in my life! I was painting a lot, seeing my friends a lot, dating etc. When summer ended and college started back up again, I continued to do well and managed to get all As for the semester, while still maintaining my social life and sanity.
This semester has been a bit more shaky. It's almost like the volume knob controlling my anxiety has been slowly turned higher and higher the closer I get to graduation. I'm also writing an honors thesis which has been quite stressful. Where things get really weird, is that one day a couple of weeks ago I just woke up extra rested with an extra spring in my step, and SO MUCH extra energy! I was talking a mile a minute, and felt like I couldn't stop talking (which is especially strange because I normally speak pretty slowly!) constantly moving and fidgeting, and feeling like the entire world was going entirely too slow for me. My self esteem was through the roof (also uncharacteristic of me), and my friends kept telling me they thought I was on crack. I didn't sleep for more than an hour or so for the next 4 or 5 days, and without giving it much thought I totally drained my already pitiful bank account balance. I didn't care at the time though! I was having a blast! I made plans to fly to Scotland, to drive to Canada on a whim, and kept wanting to do hard drugs like coke or E, which don't normally have any interest. After a 4 days of no sleep (and no hard drugs, mind you!), my nerves were getting pretty frayed. I was impulsively talking to myself (I wasn't hearing voices though) all the time, and I getting fairly confused, and just generally acting bizarrely. For instance, whenever I drove my car I felt it necessary to rest my left leg on the dashboard the whole time...which probably looked a bit odd. I finally crashed (sleep-wise, not car-wise) and slept for 13 hours one night and have been on an especially weird sleep schedule since then. 2 days no sleep, 1 day all sleep, 2 days no sleep, 1 day all sleep etc. (at least roughly). The past few days have been mixed. Sometimes I feel AMAZING, and others I feel like I can't stand being in my own mind. My nerves are just too frayed, but my brain doesn't know how to turn off. That's how I feel right now anyway.
I'm really reluctant to seek help, in part because I'm not totally convinced anything is really wrong. I'm not horribly depressed like I was a year ago and I'm definitely not suicidal. I feel like I could just be super stressed out due to impending graduation and all that. Maybe I'm blowing things out of proportion? I also just don't want to worry anyone close to me, and I realllllly don't want my thesis committee thinking I've lost my mind. Oh, and I'm not insured right now.
I just realized how long this post is, my apologies! I am greatly thankful to anyone who has read this far, and I would be even more grateful to anyone who can offer me some advice.