Bipolar or just moody?

[LBH1987]

hello,
Several years ago I was hospitalized for a self-harm and was diagnosed as cyclothymic. I was put on more and more meds by my psychiatrist until I was taking 6 at one time (anticonvulsants, antipsychotics, antidepressants) and was no longer myself. I made a choice to go off all my meds cold turkey and see a new psychiatrist.
The new one had a much better reputation and told my he thought I was not bipolar and was simply an intelligent, artistic person with a lot of emotions.

I have not been in meds for 4 years now and perform well at work and all that. But I have extreme emotional outbursts all the time with panic attacks and often suicidal thoughts.  I feel like I am in the verge of losing it all the time. When I work I work hard, day and night often   with little rest for weeks until I crash.  I am embarrassed of my moods and try to hide them.  I have learned I think to control my manic moods most of the time.
I really hate myself and I feel like it's getting worse.
Does this seem like bipolar?  Is there anyone out there  with mild bipolar who has chosen to go without meds?

[LBH1987]

Thank you so much Bubulous, you have no idea how much it means to get this kind of support (or actually you probably do :)). It is easy to start talking to nobody after seeing my mods drain the people around me for so long.  I agree about the creativity, and I do try to harness it the best I can.  I am awake now and have had trouble sleeping the last few days but hopefully this will lead to some creativity.  Thanks for your kind words and I am also here if you ever need anything :)

[Bubulous]

I like what the psychiatrist told you because it is true.  You could say that we are bipolar or you could say that we are "intelligent, artistic people with a lot of emotions."
Don't hate yourself.  You have a community here with testimonies from some of the mos afflicted people I have met with bipolar.  We must learn how we work and when to be on medications.
I would not call you mild bipolar.  Once you get into this spectrum of mental illness you have to understand that you are going to hve some extreme bipolar symptoms that can lead to suicidal thoughts but often this is the same energy that helps you come up with creative thoughts.
Harness the energy of the mania and try to use what you can of it in a positive way.  It is your perspective that needs light shed on it and we can help.