Thanks weaver. It feels good to be back in reality. And I'm thankful my husband called the police on me. I don't know where I'd be right now if he hadn't. Probably not in a good place.
The only reason I haven't been hospitolized, is because I live in the woods. They would have to drive me over an hour away, to the closest hospital. It's embarrassing, that is for sure, but you are still breathing. When your doctor said it could have gotten worse, death would be worse. As long as you are breathing, there is always hope for unlimited potential. That is my doctor's fear, that I will not try to hurt anyone, but that I won't be careful. Anyway, I'm so glad you got some help. By having to go through it on my own, I lost my memories, borderline personality, went to jail, and did quite a bit of ranting, until I collapsed into catatonia. It's better the way you did it, I always do things the hard way. Welcome back.
I ended up slipping back into it and freaked out and was dragged to the hospital by 911 people and police officers who kept on asking me if I was going to cooperate. At the hospital the doctor said my psychosis situation could have gotten much worse and I was like, how could it have been worse?! Most terrifying experience of my life! Anyway, I'm fine now. :o)
I was paranoid of my doctor who had prescribed an antidepressant that induced an extreme mania. I was immediately euphoric/hallucinating all sorts of vivid colors, I felt great.. until I started becoming afraid of shadows and weird things I'd see in paintings -- the episode felt like a freaky nightmare... I didn't seek help, because I was afraid... except I was psychotic for 6 months! I did eventually come to my senses, except I was suicidal and felt no ground and a friend who I trusted convinced me to get help. I didn't trust anybody...
If I were you, and you're not paranoid [yet] I'd get help now, before it gets much worse. I kept telling myself in the beginning. "It can't get much worse than this... Can it??" Except it kept getting worse and worse.. and then I lost all sense of reality, so basically I screwed myself. If you're still sane, get help while you can, before it gets much worse.
Thanks weaver. You always have helpful advice. I'm trying not to freak out and remain calm, but can really feel things slipping away again. Things becoming unreal again. Racing thoughts again. Wanting to save the world again... Paranoia again... I've been trying to write in my journal over and over again that I'm not dreaming, but of course you're going to write that when you are. Okay, just have to focus!
I could not find help, so I came out of my psychotic break on my own. It took some time. I had lost my memory and felt some of the things you are describing, though I didn't hallucinate. My mind simply became so tired, it started to shut down and rest. I found that even if I didn't sleep, I had to rest my mind in meditation and rest my body as well. I found a therapist and doctor after that, so I just kept getting perpetually better. A lot of it is a waiting game, try not to obsess on it too much. Try to rest, after you leave a message with your doctor. That's what I'd do, but don't feed it by constantly trying to figure it out, stay as calm as you can.