At present I have no friends, no love relationship, and no job. My finances are destroyed and I can't engage in any activity. I live with my 84 year old mother, and I only see sickness and death ahead of me.
I need to engage myself in something, I used to be quite talented in many areas, but during this phase of depression I can't access any of my good qualities. Days are so empty. I wish I could find some kind of activity.
I'm a musician, and for 6 years or so i quit playing due to my mental illness .But in the last couple of months i've began playing the guitar again and also will be buying a drum kit when i save some money. (I've played both instruments on and off for over 15 years) I just got a new guitar this week and i'm loving it , it's so good to do something you love , and it's great therapy too.
But i've also decided i want to buy a 'ukulele' or a 'mandolin' , something new and something different for a new challenge , plus they sound so great :)
Stormbear, I used to be a musician, I play many string instruments, including mandolim. But my knowledge on Hindu Culture made me pursue the career of an astrologer and a yoga teacher.
When I played guitar and other instruments I used to write music, but I did it all under the effect of weed.
Right now I don't think it is advisable for me to smoke again, and I don't see me making music without pot.
I have no interest in astrology and yoga anymore, and I am just lost.
Hi there , I completely understand where your comming from , Weed played a big roll in my life and music for that matter too, i believed all my music creativity came from weed , and when i stopped smoking a few yrs ago my music interest stopped too :( , I also believe drugs and alcohol played a role in my mental health over the years too. I'm clean and sober for 3 years in December 22 .
I guess now , i'm stable on meds ,well for the better part anyway and attending activty groups through the week and just having some options and variety in life my music interest came back too me . I made a commitment some years back and had 'HOPE' tattooed across my fingers. But with this illness i do know that things always change , and trying to have a positve mental attitude is important.
I think it would help you alot from your depression if you can grab hold of the part of you that reached out on this forum to say something more positive about yourself...even a tiny shred. It sounds like you are adding to your misery by being your own jailer. Who needs other people to imprison you if you do it to yourself by saying you are so blocked, which is probably true.
I know how bad depression can get, and how it can immobilize me. Are you still seeing a psychiatrist, being medicated, seeing a therapist? What is it like to care for your mother? Don't you ever leave the house? Do you have any kind of contact with people? Does your mother's physician know that you are a casualty to your own mother's care as caretaker?
I was depressed and took care of my father when he had a stroke. I literally had to think for the poor man, when I wasn't very well at all. I fled the hospital and left against medical advice when my father became suddenly, devastatingly ill. It was torture but I had to be there for him...a lot of me didn't think or want to deal ith it or even move, but I reached really deep and hard into me to try to be with my father because I wasn't sure if he was dying.
It takes a lot of energy, staying power and commitment to take care of really sick person, whether they are your family or not. I took care of him for years, but I also managed to take care of myself. No one could help me if I didn't even try to help myself. I wasn't available to walk into a therapist or my own doctor's office for a couple of months because my father was close to death every single day. I went through what everyone else here recently is talking about...loss of identity, feeling inadequate, making mistakes, confusion, getting motivated, self condemnation, whatever. Even the doctors taking care of my father could tell I didn't look well, but guess what? My family made me the point person and the decisionmaker because they were completely at a loss to what to do and they were probably about 2 degrees more emotional and overwhelmed than I was. I did my very best, I won't even ask if it was good enough at that point, because it's pretty insane for me to place judgment on how well I performed that role in those circumstances.
I took breaks, a lot of small 5 minute breaks, and since I really enjoy drinking coffee, that's what I did. I also spent a few minutes, sometimes it would only be 1 minute, on the phone talking to my therapist, in the first few weeks, and All I would say is "Going through hell. Situation still critical. Can't talk right now.Thanks for calling." and she would always say, "Just remember to take care of yourself, and I am here when you need me. Just call." That's how demanding it was, because I dodn't just have to deal with my father, but my elderly mother, and very, very distraught siblings. I was on the phone so much talking to all sorts of people day and night that I had to have 2 phones going just to keep the batteries going.
You don't have to perform or be heard to play the guitar. My solace and feel good moment was a few sips of coffee and I did that mostly by myself, and preferred to drink by myself just to have some quiet and no one asking me questions or having me do things. I think Stormbear is saying that he plays for himself primarily, because it makes him feel better and I know, in his prior postings, he has said many times, that music is wonderful for him.
Like the saying goes, and it is actually true, how can people help you if you won't even help yourself. Just try. Strum a few notes. Be something beautiful and wonderful for just 2 seconds just to give a chance for a little light to shine in, and don't even dare to judge yourself or criticize the quality of your action, because that isn't the point. The point is do be nice and play nice with yourself and stop imprisoning yourself with a lot of negativity. That really isn't what life is all about.
There were moments of lightness is all that horrible drama, and then all that "at home alone" caregiving. Sometimes, they were fleeting, but it was enough to make it all worthwhile for me. It went on for years, and then my father died. Then, I had bury him, grieve, do after death business, be there for my family, and still try to take care of myself. I have to say, to this day, I still wonder how managed to do it, but I did. I don't even look back and feel a sense of accomplishment, because my very best friend, the support I could always count on, the one guy who I knew , without a doubt, loved me unconditionally and father died.
A 10 year oldgirl who I met in the hospital who had terminal cancer, and looked terrible told meone time when i was waiting in the hospital lobby told me something like that life can be a prison if you make it that way. She was referring to her chemotherapy and how isolated it made her besides going through feeling sick through it.
I would love to be able to play all the instruments you play, live in Brazil, be a yoga teacher. If you do know yoga, you know that you can reach that spark that I am talking about, and how freeing it is when you do a simple posture or movement.
I have to clarify because I wouldn't be doing the young girl justice. She was actually referring to how she deals with being isolated, sick and in chemotherapy. She was telling me we can make our own prisons with our minds, and we can do it to ourselves.
God Bless you both , I can only imagine how hard it must be, to be a carer for an ill parent , and being unwell yourself , you truly are the definition of wonderful human beings .
As persephhonedemeter mentioned above , my music is firstly for myself , it's therapy , and helps me cope with audio hallucinations, one day i might get a band started , i have friends who play instruments too , but we are not pro's ,it's just doing it for fun ,therapy and creativity ,something we have in common and sharing our ideas .
We got to not judge ourselve's so harshly . Because that saying "WE TEND TO MAKE A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLE HILL"
In saying that are you seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist ? ,we have to take care of ourselve's ok. All the strength for you .
:))) S., I'm with you on the mountain out of a molehill. One of my favorite sayings.
Another good one along the same lines, us gardeners like to use is "Too much s--- can spoil the plant." or in other words, don't shovel so much manure on a plant that's trying to grow.
Bipolar108, here's one for you since you know yoga, and applies to your situation. Stretch yourself a bit, even if you don't feel like it. When I was depressed, in the psychiatric units, they would really "encourage" me to go to art, music and dance movement therapy; and I had absolutely no desire, motivational or inclination to do any of that stuff. It was annoying to me, and a lot of other depressed people like me didn't want to do it. I picked up the crayola and drew a few lines, picked up the toy drum and beat it, and swayed my arms above my head just to get it over with, just like everybody else. It never failed that I would go along and do the whole 30 minutes instead of the 3 seconds I was intending to do and then, just say I needed to go to the bathroom and just go back to my room and bed.
You are not going to get over your depression, breakup, love addiction, or empty existence if you don't even try to feel up your emptiness. It would just be another day filled with empty hours. I believe you wrote that he knew you better than you knew yourself. I'm sorry to say, that that is what love addicts say, because the truth is, he didn't. He only knew what you fed him online. I think it is time to get acquainted with who you are and stop depending on others to define you, because it doesn't work that way. Part of yoga is centering your being...and you are not centering. i use yoga in my daily life. It is also usually taught along with meditation in pretty much all the psychiatric facilties I was placed in, and they didn't care whether we were motivated or not, they just wanted us to give it a go. I don't know what kind of realtionship you have with your mother, but you are 50 years old, and no one can actually forbid you to even have a social life...unless you give that person that kind of power over you.
It is not easy to play, just because I don't want to be heard, I don't want people to know I am playing. I come from a family of musicians, I have a brother who lives in USA and is a conductor. My other brother, who was my best friend and died in 2010 was an opera singer. I am the only one who likes pop music.
I know a lot of yoga, mom started practicing it when she was pregnant of me. But right now I just don't feel strong enough to practice it.
My psychiatrist is a good person, has medicated me, otherwise I would be worse.
I am lost, weak, tired, and I don't believe in changes in my life.
Does your psychiatrist know you are depressed and why? At this point, I think you need to have a therapist do deal with your issues. I'm sorry, but you are sending mixed messages, because you wrote in your post that you could find some kind of activity...presumably, to chamge the emptiness of your life.
If you want to just stay still, then you are just looking at just being miserable. I read in the other community, that you are still trying to contact through email the person who "humiliated you" and dumped you 1 year ago, from the 7 month long encounter you had with him over the internet.
You are a wounded person, and you ask for help but won't even try anything to heal? This reluctance to even try, it's all part of depression. I told you about nurses and therpists encouraging me get up in the hospital to do activities I wasn't even interested in. I was tired, not motivated, didn't care, but I moved because I had those empty, empty days and totally miserable. You realize you are talking to someone who knows intimidately what is is like to have bipolar disorder and what it is like to be depressed to the point of hospitalization...several times.
I'm around the same age as you. I can play piano, and not perfectly these day, but I will still try a few new pieces and it sounds pretty terrible, but I like the feel of the keys and stretching my very stiff fingers. For many years, I could not do the sports I excelled at, but I took it up again, in the company of people who stayed in their game, and although, I was a bit nervous, worried, and self conscious of how I looked, because I was 50 lbs. overweight, did not have any kind of muscle tone, and I had spasms and stiffness of inactivity and drug effects, I did it. People weren't mean about it. They were glad and relieved to see me trying and moving. I wasn't graceful, I fell a couple of times tripping over my feet, and I wanted to cry, but I got up and ran (very slowly) and I only lasted 10 minutes. It felt like 20 miles to me, but It was maybe 1/4 mile, but I did feel good at the end. I didn't want to be perfect. I didn't think even that would make a difference, but it did.
I know professional musicians. Unless your family is very critical, abusing, condemning and toxic,I hardly think there are many times when they are even the slightest bit critical about a fellow musician who went through a dry spell, hasn't practiced and picked up an instrument again. If people were so great at playing an instrument or anything in general, we wouldn't have rehearsals or practice time. Most musicians are open to appreciate or at least, listen all gemres of music...even opera singers and conductors. For heaven sakes, Pavarotti performed with Bono.
I think you are overthinking, and coming up with a lot of discouragement from inside of yourself. Bipolar108, even with or without depression and all the troubles you are going through, the only one who can pull you out of your funk is you. No one would drag me to art therapy and make me pick up a crayola. No one could make me take a bath. I did it myself. I used all kinds of excuses, haven't brush my teeth, legs too stiff, haven't had breakfast, light is too beight, can't put on my clothes..come on. When ir comes to depression, I would be considered a tried and true "professiona," at it. I know you aren't severely depressed and catatonic, because you are reading this. I never would have turned on a compiter terminal and entered a Medhelp discussion or even be interested in looking at it if I was so depressed and didn't want any changes at all to get better or at least, get a better handle on things.
I'm sorry, but I don't buy that you don't want a change. I've read all the posts you've written, and people who don't want some kind of change, don't bother typing questions or statements on the forum. I know you don't want to be in the situation you are in right now, and you are probably afriad this will go on forever without any prospect. There is no such thing as a knight i. shining armor going to come in through your front door and save you and start putting rainbows in your world. You have to make it happen..and the practical thing to do is take baby steps and open that door inside of yourself to allow possibilities to happen. It's not going to happen if you won't even attempt to open the door and stand behind a locked door all the time.
I will be seeing my psychiatrist this week. Meds kept me ok last 3, 4 months, but I think I am not ok now.
It would be good to start some kind of therapy. I don't know how, I don't have money.
I don't even think I have conditions to hear what everybody is saying. I am too sad. Nothing really makes any sense.
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