Confused

[wobbles]

Hi there, was just wondering if anyone can offer any advice at all. Not sure where to start, but have had depression on and off since my fathers suicide when i was 16 (12 years ago). I thought i had it under control after many years of trying diferent meds and having numerous counsellors/therapists. Then i had my son a year ago and when he was 6 weeks old, the anger started. I would get extremely angry, enraged, furious over nothing at all, and have since been told i have PND and put on 40mg Prozac daily, and seeing a counsellor regularly. The problem is that as time goes on, it is becoming more and more evident that there is a definite cycle happening. I'll spend a couple of weeks suicidally depressed and no functioning, and then suddenly that will switch to being elated, euphoric, overwhelmingly happy, functioning, doing things i normally woujldn't do, socialising, motivated, really creative and excited etc which will last for about week, and then i'll have a short period of in-between, and then the anger comes back, which turns into severe depression.

If i only had depression, wouldn't being on Prozac for 9 months show some improvement rather than things actually getting worse and a very clear significant cyclic pattern emerging? I don't know whether i'm coming or going from one day to the next, my moods can change a few times each day, and the depressive episodes are so extreme and devastating to myself and my husband and baby. I really feel i can't take it anymore. Going from being ecstatically happy and motivated and functioning, to being suicidal or feeling that i want to check myself into a psychiatric hospital, and never really experiencing any stability. I'm not myself, i don't even know what 'myself' is anymore, it is affecting my relationship with my husband, my son, and my relationships with people in society. I cannot work, can't even keep the house tidy.

I have been to the GP who has referred me to a psychiatrist, but i hve not idea when i'll get to see them, and i'm feeling desperate for answers, i don't know what to do with myself. I have read all i can find on Bipolar II and it all seems to fit perfectly. I'm now worried that taking the prozac is going to make it worse, but i can't stop taking it because i go downhill very very quickly, even if i forget to take it for one day, it's horrible.

Can anyone offer any insight, personal experiences that may be similar or some advice please? Am feeling very isolated, and confused.

[arjunkanna80]

for my kind advice, in all type of mental disease (psycho-neuroses), tablets or medications only gives a neurological support. we have to develop new kind of mentality and thinking by ourself. then only we can solve our problem easily. because no one can change our internal thinking pattern. we should change ourself. i also suffered in Bipolar for the past 10 years. somehow managing with this disease.i am also same 28. i am also taking same prozac for the past 10years. u have to develop our own resisting pattern against our unwanted thoughts. all the best

[RichReligion]

It seems that you have a chance; you're in and out at time. You're evidently able to find away and reason to be happy, you just have to get stuck in the happy stages. Negative thoughts are hard to control, exspecially when you don't do anything about them; somethings we have to face head-on before moving on. Focus more on what make you happy. Focus on who you were before all of the drama; you forgot about you and started paying more attentions to the problems. The good things count. counter negative thoughts with postive ones.

[therese83]

I understand that you cant remember what being yourself was like, I remember that feeling!  

With the right medication you can feel completely like yourself again.

Best

[Jadzia26]

I understand how frustrating it is to feel like you have no control and at times honestly have no control. Seeing a psychologist may take some time but in the mean time you have to do what you can. I suggest finding a few things that keep you busy or bring some enjoyment. When I start to get depressed I bake or knit. I don't feel like I'm doing too much and I accoplish something. When I get angry I exercise to release it. When I start to get manic I organize and file my papers. There small things but it can help. These particular things may not work for you but try to find something to keep you busy. It will help a little and sometimes a little make a bid difference.

Take Care

[Fairygirlthirty]

I've been there, believe me!  Not only is being on just an antidepressant bad for a bipolar person, being on Prozac was nearly toxic for my life.  I became very much unlike myself on it.  

I suggest you see a psychiatrist as soon as possible.  Do what you need to in order to see one sooner than the several weeks it would normally take.  

[wobbles]

Thanks everyone.

Apeystar, would you mind elaborating a little more on what prozac did to you and your experience before you were diagnosed? I understand if you're not comfortable with it, but i can be emailed if you wish.

[FallenFaery]

I have been bipolar since I was 12, I am now 43. I was unstable until the age of 38 and misdiagnosed as only having depression. They put me on every anti-depressant you could imagine. Nothing helped and it all made me more manic.I have mixed episodes so so the anti-depressants only made things worse.
I now take mood stabilizers and prozac and have become much more stable in the last few yrs.
I feel you definately need a mood stabilizing medication even though I am not a p-doc, you obviously have a mood disorder of some type whether it be Bipolar disorder or something else. An anti-depressant alone for someone with a mood disorder or even without can be extremely dangerous without mood stabilizing medication. It was for me and also for my Bipolar/Autistic son.
I wish you all the luck in the world...I know and understand how lost you must feel...but keep your head up. It can get better. and Remember whatever you are diagnosed with...you only have it...you are not "it"

[renahere]

I hope you are feeling better. I thought I'd write to say that if you can't get in to see a psychiatrist soon, you could think about going to the hospital. I made the mistake of going to the 1st psych available which ended up explaining why he was available so soon. I was looking at a 3-4 month wait and would have been better off to have waited.

However, if you need to get help soon, going into the pysch ward may be an option. They can get you off the Prozac & on something on a lot sooner than you can since they can watch you & adjust things. I don't know if you have insurance or have a decent psych ward you can go to. I was changing medicines a few years ago (and now too) and had spent 5 weeks weaning off one medicine and going onto another. The new one didn't work for me and I decided to go back on the old one. (was trying to get on a safer med to have kids). I was looking at 5 more weeks doing the reverse of what I'd just done. I ended up "biting the bullet" and went into the hospital for 5 days. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done but I ended up being glad I did it. I saw the doctor every day and was doped up most of the time. I also met some great people that made it better. Luckily I was lucid enough to make sure they were giving me the right meds - I asked every time I was given pills. They had the wrong ones a couple of times - yikes.

Also, I'd recommend making several appointments with different pyschiatrists in case you don't like the first one you go to. Then you won't have to wait months to check out a different one. You can just cancel the appointment with the other if you get lucky on the first try.

I hope you find something that works well for you. Take care.

[Fairygirlthirty]

"Apeystar, would you mind elaborating a little more on what prozac did to you and your experience before you were diagnosed? I understand if you're not comfortable with it, but i can be emailed if you wish."

Sure, not a problem at all!  

Before I was diagnosed I would spend several months in a manic or depressive phase.  I thought that my manic phases were me being normal.  The year I was first put on anti-depressants was in high school, beauty school, and working two part time jobs.  I barely had time for sleep.  Obviously that isn't normal, especially for a 17 year old!  Then there came a time, I suppose it happened gradually over a month, but it seemed to happen very suddenly where I became very depressed.  I dropped out of both schools and quit both jobs, and slept for about 16-20 hours a day.  After about a month of that behavior I attempted suicide and was put in a psychiatric home for 2 weeks and treated for severe depression.  When I was released I was manic or feeling normal.  At my follow up appointment with an outside psychiatrist I was taken off of the anti-depressant, and told that I was cured.  

At 21 I was finally diagnosed with Bipolar I.  Between 17 and 21 years old I traveled between manic and depressed regularly, staying at each for months at a time.  I attempted suicide, or cried out for help, several times.  I spent a lot of time in various psych wards, and it seemed that no psychiatrists actually gave me the time to diagnose me properly.  Finally when I was 21 one psychiatrist spent about 2 hours with me in her office, listening intently to me describe my experiences and mental states.  At the end of the session she said to me, "April, you're very clearly bipolar I."  She prescribed me a mood stabilizer and an antidepressant.  

Once home from that appointment I did mad amounts of research on Bipolar disorder and...it fit me like a glove.  I felt so relieved to finally have a diagnosis that could be worked with.  

As for Prozac...
I should start by saying that I've been on most psychiatric meds out there, and finally in the last two years found the combination that really works for me.  Being on Prozac was a horrible experience for me, actually.  With in a week of starting it I became very aggressive and violent and paranoid and my thoughts were overwhelming and completely inaccurate.  For instance one time I was at a gas station and I was 100% positive a woman in a car across the lot, who wasn't even looking in my direction, was thinking mean thoughts about me, and I wanted to fight her because of that.  I'm normally very much a non violent person!  In the end, after a few months on Prozac, I wound up in the psych ward again, and told the psychiatrist there everything I was experiencing and he said that he never prescribes Prozac for bipolar patients because we can experience the side effects I was living during the time.  

I hope my experience helps you a lil bit!

[Lizz67]

Your description of your mood states is really right on - I like all the words you used. This illness is very isolating. Mental illness are still stigmatized and it's really difficult to tell anyone.  And for many of us our jobs are on the line, ADA or not.

I've been stable and working for three years now, but depression has been difficult for me. I function at work well, but when work is done I'm back into that can't motivate mode and little at home gets done.  A couple of my friends do know I have BP l, but I dont get the feeling that they really understand what it's like to not want to do stuff or talk to people. Even people that care about you.
That is why I like this site so much.

And regarding Prozac I just started it 2-3 months ago to see if it would lift a depression that was getting deeper..  I was feeling suicidal acutely many times a day and was formulating my plan and my will.
Since being on the Prozac the suicidal feelings have stopped completely. My situation is still getting me down and I'm not un-depressed yet (in terms of functioing mostly), But it is so weird how the suicidal stuff has abated.
I'm on Li, Lamictal, and Seroquel.  Seroquel is pretty sedating so I've reduced my amount quite a bit -with my doc- and it's been better it still helps me sleep.

Everyone is different in how meds affect them, of course. I haven't had bad side effects for the meds I take now, but plenty of people here report them
.
I don't know if all this was helpful or not, but I'm sorry you have to wait to see a doc, but hanging there with some of the advice you've gotten here.  Take care of yourself as if you were sick, sick. And keep in touch with the people here.