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1231958 tn?1267933025

Confusion

I've been having a lot of suicidal thoughts lately. I don't know who to tell or if I should tell anyone at all. I was really bad for about four months . Then I was was  fine for about three and a half months and it seemed as though the medication i was put on was working. Now I can feel that i going to start falling again. It always starts with my self esteem falling and gradual suicidal thoughts. I don't see my individual therpist anymore cause they moved me to group. I don't want it to get as bad as it was but why have my meds stopped working? Will they start working again and I'm just screwing with my own head? i'm just really confused.
13 Responses
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1134609 tn?1269272200
It's great that you're going to a therapist. Through therapy, I have learned to accept the illness and to understand that I can't control the mood swings, at least not without medication. But, I can control how I react to those mood swings, in some ways. There are days, when 'controlling' my reaction to the mood swings means that I put in three calls to my shrink and set a time line. If she doesn't call me back by a certain time, I gear up to go to the hospital. But, I had to learn my lesson the hard way on that one; something I don't want anyone else to go through. I get seriously suicidal and I can't get a hold of my shrink, I go to the hospital, that's all there is to it. I don't think about the financial aspects, or even if they'll be able to really help me, but just to get to a safe place, a place where they will make sure that I am safe and don't do anything stupid.
Helpful - 0
1231958 tn?1267933025
Mostly I was confused about why things have changed, and changed so quickly. Old issues have reappeared. It makes a little more sense now that I have heard from others about your experiences and and what you guys think the problem is. I think I'm going to go ahead and set up an appointment to see my psychaitrist some time next week if there is a slot availible. I originally started therapy to work on coping skills, so I guess I could bring that up in group next tuesday. I know that I'm still lacking in that department. Thanks to everyone for thier patience and understanding.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I am so glad you made the choice to join us. I have missed it on all accounts. Second year for my second child/youngest, was the hardest ever and she needed antidepressants for a short time. Not diagnosed BP, just far away from home, not likeing her major or the city she was in w/o a car.
Like ILADVOCATE, many times it is a shortened time with my meds. You work with your Psych...or is it the school medical person?
My bp, I believe showed up at 11, diagnosed early forties. What I have read, and if someone knows differently, Bp shows up a lot early twenties.
I still am concerned about you feeling suicidal. Again, if I am wrong here, just point it out. Just feeling for you and hope you find balance and some coping with the depression. zzzmykids
Helpful - 0
1134609 tn?1269272200
To tell you the truth, I am really a straight anti-convulsant guy myself; Lamictal and Neurontin are kind of my standbys. Zyprexa can be a rough medication on folks.

Don't write off medication, please, please, please don't do that. There are a lot of medications that work very well for people; I was a total mess before they but me on Lamictal. Even the Zyprexa is a life saver for many people; my shrink swears by it; she's BP. She doesn't go anywhere without ger Zyprexa and Seroquel and she's managed her disorder for a very long time.

In my experience, it's just about finding that correct medication cocktail and then monitoring it. In my case, when I find something that works, it works very, very well. When a medication doesn't work for me, I get adverse reactions.

Right now, I'd focus on finding the meds that are going to work for you and push those external stressors out of your life as much as you can. I've even gotten to the point where I have to cut close family members out my first tier of support. They just cause too much stress for me, even on a good day.

If the hospital isn't something that you're willing to consider, at least get your shrink on speed dial. When I am stable I see her once every few months, when I'm having problems I basically stalk her.
Helpful - 0
585414 tn?1288941302
Sometimes people stop responding to medications after a while. It can happen but its not known exactly why. The best thing to do is try to think back exactly when this started and keep track of things on a daily basis (such as the mood tracker here) and discuss all this with your psychiatrist. I have been through countless mood stabilizers in my life. Some people do well all their life with the same mood stabilizer and some people need to have their medication changed every now and then but it doesn't mean they can't be helped.
Helpful - 0
1231958 tn?1267933025
I'm actually the 2nd child. My older brother was the only boy and the first born, but made poor grades, my younger sister also makes poor grades and has a behavior problem, and my youngest sister is the baby. I was always the quiet child that did well in school so I was ignored. I guess my mom didn't think I needed attention. Even with my first attempt at the age of 8. My mother thought it was a phase and I didn't get any help. I didn't get punished for a failing grade on my report card in the 7th grade because I cried for hours and she said I punished myself enough. High School had it's ups and downs, but my problems didn't start getting bad until college. I'm close to the end of my second year. I guess I'm still a teen technically, but I'll be 20 in September. What I don't get is that the medication I was taking was working but then it stopped. I was wondering if what I was taking was ever working to start with. Do you guys think it could have just been the end of an episode and I started taking the medication at just the right time? Or am I getting used to it and its just working anymore? Its only been 4 months. I'm taking Zyprexa and Trileptal.
Helpful - 0
1134609 tn?1269272200
I was finishing up some education last spring and was going out of my head.. It was terrible, but I think I know where you're coming from. I pushed myself to go to class, to do my work, all while fighting the terrible thoughts in my head.. I managed to make it through most of it; until I couldn't make it through anymore.

There was a breaking point for me; I had to go to the hospital and seek treatment. Bottom line; I wasn't going to be able to function in the real world, I was going to be laid up, I might as well be in the hospital, getting the help I needed.

I was back up and running in a week; they placed me on the correct medications and I got myself going. It really was that fast. Just remember; you're BP and there's a good chance that you're one medication away from being happy, stable and functional. That's all it really took for me. I had a rough patch recently, but it wasn't terrible, some quick adjustments to my medications got me back up and running.
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Avatar universal
Amanda, ILADVOCATE,  is a guy and sensible, super knowledgable and caring. I will level with you, I used to do highscool dramas and then after all the tears and the walls broke down, I let them know I worked the suicide hotline as a "listener". There is a teen line for suicide hotline. People have said they have been where you are. Truthfully none of us have been where you are, Amanda. If I had a guess you are either first born or last born. Have to be perfect to get any recognition. Lots of stress. Missing school is the least of your worries, or disappointing your Mom. You say you have no friends, no family that care. To me this says the bp is out of control. Not being honest with your psych, IMMEDIATELY, will cause you to continue on the I feel ok today, oh no I'm in the pits and want to kill myself. He/She have the qualifications to get you medicated correctly and cared for properly.
Please do not take this improperly. As a teenager, you have not developed the coping skills needed to confront improper thinking patters that in an instant can trigger your death. Im old and I don't have the proper ones all the time. But I know to call my psych, day or night if I feel I am losing it.
As for meds, you'll fight them. It takes quite a while for you to see them work. But when you are having friends, feeling love from family and others you will start to see that the bp clouded and hindered all of your rational internalizing of feelings.
I don't know you, but I have seen h.s. students take the word of a person who broke into their hearts and let them know they really had a long life ahead that would be interesting, vibrant but not perfect or always without pain.

As a Mom, loving the person you are now,
zzzmykids
Helpful - 0
585414 tn?1288941302
Medication is just as neccessary for bipolar as it is for any other disability or condition. If the medication you were taking was not working it would be a good time to discuss this with your psychiatrist as regards other options. Here is a list of mood stabilizers:
http://www.psycheducation.org/depression/meds/moodstabilizers.htm
You should speak to your psychiatrist now before things get out of hand. Perhaps if you understood more about your treatment and how it worked you could have an informed conversation with your psychiatrist in that manner then it might be more beneficial. That has worked for me as well as other people.
Helpful - 0
1231958 tn?1267933025
I have to stay in school. There is no way that I can take time off to put myself in a hospital. It's silly really. I'm thinking about jumping off one of the classroom buildings but at the same time I can't miss class. I think its like, I know I won't get anywhere in life and I have no friends and my family has each other. We have life insurance that would pay for my school loans. People act differently out of guilt and pity not because they actually care, or at least not about about me. At the same time, if I do stay here I have to try and be the best possible which just puts more stress on me. i can't be a failure. But if I'm gone I won't be around to see the disapointment and the sadness, if there is much. I know my mom will be upset, but she has 3 other kids and my sister is about to have a baby and she will be there to help raise that kid. I see my shrink at the end of the month. I don't want to have to depend on meds to be sane though. I don't know.
Helpful - 0
1134609 tn?1269272200
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a rough time, but I can relate on many levels.

Last year, around this time, I was undiagnosed as BP and I was basically suicidal every day for five months.. It's hard to reach out and get help when your falling apart, in my case, I was very, very irrational. However, I had learned my lesson; I had attempted to solve a temporary problem with a permanent solution, several years ago. I was very lucky to get out of the hospital when I did that.

But, I finally checked myself into the psychiatric center; I just needed help. I couldn't handle it on my own or even with consistent visits to my shrink and therapist. I had to push all of my worries about the psychiatric center and just go do it. They won't let you go until you are stable, plus, the environment itself is safe.

Also, move those considerations about medications aside; it's out of your control. You can't discontinue medication on your own, there's no way around it. It's up to a doctor to do that; you shouldn't mess with it.

Take the advice from folks on here; you'll get the help that you need. I don't want to scare you, but being suicidal is a slippery slope. I you're already in an irrational frame of mind, you could become impulsive and that's a dangerous thing.

Keep on posting and reach out to the people on this board, it can only help. Take care.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Amanda, there are several things you can do. I am scared for you. It could be the meds, it could be a pattern due to your self esteem, it could be so many things, but what it is could be your life at risk!!!!!!!! I believe the USA over all suicide hotline is  1 800-Suicide. In the front of any phone book is a page that has help numbers.
Also you can call 911 and tell the operator you need a psych evaluation because you are feeling suicidal. You can go to the local city run mental facillity and check yourself in, that would be my  choice, but if a hospital is closer go with emergency room, go there and be HONEST. Should you be honest and open, absolutely!!!!
I don't know why you want to kill yourself but I do know the next day you would regret it. The next or the day after or the one after that, with help and evaluation you can get better. What happens to those left behind......someone finds you, they will never be the same.....when it is known that you killed yourself, your family, friends, everyone that knew you will feel guilty....there is a high copycat suicide rate of your friends....
sometimes your parents blame the other and  divorce or also choose suicide as an out. I am not a doctor, I am not a professional, you need to get help, now.  Not because I know anything but because you said you are beginning to slide back into suicidal thoughts.  You asked, suicide is NEVER the answer and a confused state is  not good, PLEASE SEEK HELP IMMEDIATELY
Helpful - 0
607502 tn?1288247540
suicidal thoughts are not unusual, we all get them sometimes if we are truthful

However when they get worse we need to speak to our psychiatrists, there are things that can help.  

Im not familiar with US, over here there is no 'move' to group - you have the choice; I for one will not do group therapy sessions as I find them a waste of time, I don't want to listen to other people's hells and there's always one person who dominates.

Speak to a doctor - if its getting worse you need to jump on it - suicide attempts can and do happen out of the blue so get help now.
Helpful - 0
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