Continual crying, sadness, max ativan?

[edmfender]

I have just experienced the worst Christmas. I was manic prior to, over extended myself physically, emotionally making sure everything was "perfect", became sleep deprived, run down trying to gain approval from my guests/family. Christmas day, I realized that not one of my 3 children (age 9 twins & 12) did not give me one gift, not a handmade card, not a sloppily made gift at school, not a flower from the Dollar store although they were thoughtful to their aunts, uncles, grandparents etc. The 3 gifts I did receive (my mom, my sister, my husband) are sitting in a garbage bag in my closet. I can't look at them without crying. I don't feel that I deserve them.  I would trade any of them for a clunky piece of paper mache from one of my kids. My self value has been so low and has been reaffirmed by own children. I can't stop crying. My therapist, my shrink, my family physican are not available until after January 5th and their answering services say "Go to the nearest emergency room"....and tell them what???? I'm hurt? I'm sad? That I have no value?
Currently I take between 1mg and 4 mg of Ativan per day.  What is the max dose that I can take in a 24 hour period? Or do I really care at this point? Or would anybody else?

[Jagejage]

Dear doctors I have been depressed for two years now lost all feelings of joy and love fory family i have only self hatred i take antidepressants but i was reading that loss of everyday joy and lack if motivation to do anything may require dopamine agonists which i dont take because of the side effect of weight gain is there any drug on the market that can help me

[edmfender]

There are some brillant people in this forum.  The one thing that struck me (mentally) the other day was EXPECTATIONS.  The expectations that I put on myself that are unrealistic and the expectations that others put on me and I on others. The expectations that I put on my self do not have to reach perfection and can be dialed back and I can try to learn to live with that.  That being said 2009 is the the YEAR OF NO EXPECTATIONS.
No expectation to have my house 100% guest ready at any given moment. No expectation to serve 5 course meals every night. No expectation to have the best manicured flower beds on the block. No expectation to serve on every school committee. No expectation to do 5 hours of ironing for hubby each week (he can do or send it out). No expectation to do 100% of child care/cleaning (placed an add this morning for a part time Nanny 24 hrs week). No expectation that the bipolar is going to get any worse or any better. No expectation that I am last on any list. No expectation that I am not a valuable person.  Expect only that I am a valuable person.
I'll keep in touch and up date.  Thank you all.  You don't know what your advise has meant to me over the last bit (probably saved me a stay in the rubber room or a repreive or an ativan od)

[monkeyc]

Does not sound that depressing, Ive been doing the same as its just not worth it telling people what you want or buying it for yourself even - this year I refused and my wife and family had to think for themselves - the only rule I put on it was no books no dvd's no cd's...

I actually recieved some interesting things which showed that people can use their brains when they have to.

To my mind the words "you are so hard to buy for" are little more than an incredibly weak excuse for laziness.

[bernie40]

Hi, just wondering how you are getting on.  I didn't respond to your posts originally mainly because I wasn't on here the day you posted and also because so many had already offered the same advice that I would have.

Sounds like you feel like your trying to juggle too many balls in the air for too long - are you able to cut down on some of your obligations at all?  Probably a daft question and you've probably already looked into that.

Christmas has been a let down for me for a number of years so now I tell the kids that I don't want anything, that way I've kind of made the decision even though they wouldn't have done anyway (or at least their dad won't have thought to do it for them).  I also don't let my husband buy me anything because i don't see the point in having to tell him what I want.  I no longer have expectations and that way I can't be disappointed :-(  Sounds depressing but it actually works for me at certain times of the year.

[elwoodsf]

There is a lot of good information on this thread. I too have experienced what you are going through. I tried to be the best ever mom, host, wife, friend. I ran myself down into the ground. I read dippy1's post about moving forward, getting a med check. That is great advise for all that are blessed/cursed with this illness. You are a valuable human being. You are a valuable human being. This is what I sometimes chant to myself just to get off the depressive thinking. Similar to psyc'ing myself into positive thoughts.

If you need to go take a vacation in the hospital, do it. If you need a med check, do it. My family went skiing today and they tried to shame me into going. I didn't want to go and I didn't. Years ago, I would have gone just to keep peace and heaven forbid, if I didn't I wouldn't be doing my "job". Besides, my tailbone is still sore from falling off the sled last week!!

Take care of you ~ SF

[dippy1]

Hi. You do have a lot of responsibilities don't you, and it sounds as though your other half is not around much to help. It's no wonder you're tired and struggle to take care of yourself. You use the word mourning..I talked this week about grieving for my "old life" and for "things lost"  Have you considered why your husband is living such a full and busy life "to the exclusion of his family"  ... sounds wrong/unfair/dodging responsibilities to me.

Seven years in therapy is a long time... are you moving forward at all?

What about meds. When were they last reviewed?

When I first got ill 18 months ago it felt as though everything was a chore...I was repeatedly told to take time out and do something I could enjoy or treat myself, but I had lost the ability to enjoy anything and even things that might be taking time out felt as much of a chore as cleaning the dishes. It was the depth of my depression which made it so hard to make any progress and even harder to notice myself when any progress had been made. But I have made progress...it's been a roller coaster and I still hit a major crash from time to time but I have re-learnt (or probably learnt for the first time) how to take some care of myself and allow myself to be .

I hope your journey takes you in the same direction.

This site is a really good place to get advice and support...you are never totally alone whilst Medhelp's here.

all the best, Kx

[edmfender]

Some very good advice....I know nothing about CBT (it took me a few minutes to figure out Cognitive Behavior Therapy). My therapist has not brought this up to date (in 7 years?) although Lord knows there has been other issues on the table.
My husband leads a very full life to the exclusion of his family. He plays rugby, hockey, curling, golfs, sits on 2 executives and works full time. It is rare that he is home before 9 pm and usually would join us for one family meal a week. After being upset on Christmas day, he told me to call my doctor.  I have minimal respite from the kids/house. I play in a band that practices at our home (the kids are here) and we play about once a month. My younger son is autistic and I oversee all activities with his scholastic and programming scheduling which is very time consuming.  
I guess my point is...it's difficult to take care of myself, sometimes all I see is the obligations, the day to day, the no room for joy (I know negative thinking), just things that need to get done, over, & over & over ....and I am tired, so tired and down and weak and down on energy and one little thing just pushes me over into non stop crying...
I think sometimes, I am mourning my "former" life as an executive managing a department in Western Caanda (150 plus people), travel, sports, friends and angry that Bipolar Disorder has precluded me (or I have precluded me) from carrying on with that lifestyle.  But I also know that lifestyle contributed to me getting ill so there's the rub.  Maybe that's the true basis of failure that I feel.  
Okay, the positive today is the coffee tastes good.

[dippy1]

Hey there. This is negative thinking working it's wicked ways with you.

I think my husband is a typical husband/father and he didn't even know what we had bought for the kids (or anyone else) let alone what the kids might or might not have for me. I was lucky that at their school the mums organise a "secret santa" grotto where kids can spend pocket money on some cheap gift, wrap it and label it and bring it home for Mummy or anyone else. I also have a mother who took my boys to town to spend a few pounds on presies for each other and parents. My kids are fab, but it's highly probable that without this guidance/hand-holding there would have been nothing under the tree for me. That's not the problem; the problem is when your negative head takes that fact and turns it into "I'm useless and noone cares". I'm not always a CBT fan but for this scenario it would be useful...not much help this year I know, does your therapist use CBT (even a short term focused CBT course, or a good book on self CBT teaching, or online help through livinglifetothefull, the negative thinking can be improved.)?

If you step back from your post and see the bigger picture these guys are spot on; you got a bit manic then you swung into depression...no great surprise for someone with BP and the stress that is Christmas...look after yourself, do the things you know will make you better, take time out, rest and recover. This will pass just as it has in the past, meanwhile take it one day at a time, one hour at a time if necessary. Remember loads of us find Christmas an anticlimax; blame the commercialisation and human nature/greed.

hugs, Kx

[LeftCoastChick]

I agree with Monkey, don't mess with the Ativan, you can't hide all you feelings behind a tranquilizer, and taking more thn your pdoc has prescribed is not the best thing. If you feel you can't handle it, like Monkey said, go to your local ER.

Like I said, write down all the postives, and if you can't think of any, ask you kids in a sly way and /or husband. If you can have your own mantra, or saying, make sure it's somthing productive.  Start small, Iike your daily chores, if that's all you can do pat yourself on the back. Try again the next day, but keep positive thoughts going.
Retraining negative thought patterns like your own is not an easy task. Talk therapy is great, and be absolutely honest with your pdoc.

I'm living proof that you can get out of the cycle. I fall back sometimes, but I try every single day to do one positive thing, when then turns into positive thought.

I hope that helps.

[monkeyc]

Well to be honest I can see how a mother would be hurt by this but did your husband not think to make sure they got you something?  This seems to make common sense to me - Kids are kids after all and they mean nothing by it.

Ok right now what you need to do is this.

Reax.  Take a deep breath and think of something to do that you enjoy doing, it might be take a walk it might be get a coffee with a good friend (thats a very good idea) but whatever it is you need to get out that door and into the world and move past.

Ativan will not help, its a short term fix.  By all means if you feel that you need it short term take only what the doctor prescribes but use it.  Do not play around with ativan or any drug - it takes nowhere near as much of them to hurt yourself as people think it does and they can be a quick trip to a place you do not want to go - ive been there and take it from me you do not need it.

On the hospital - This is reality - if you think you are a danger to yourself go to hospital and check yourself in - there is no harm and your kids need you.

The flipside of manic energy and fixation is depression - this is what has happened here, you now need to get up - you are not worthless at all, I know its easy to feel that way, trust me my self esteem is as fragile as anyones and I know what it means to have it smashed by people who should know better - they do not but if you look at your family and what you have you will realise that it matters so much more than anything crappy as a gift - love everyday means more than a card once a year.

talk to your husband get help if you need it or come here and cry on our shoulders - we have been down that road and we will go down it again one day as well.

[edmfender]

Thanks for your reply. I think when I wrote my post I was at the end of my tether and just soooo sad and needed to get it out some where and this forum happened to be it at the time. I couldn't stop crying and was concerned about the Ativan.

Expectations...I could write a book of the life experiences wherein I have set expectations too high/low and grossly exceeded/failed and my emotional attachment & worth was tied to each one. I do not know how to set expectations for myself, I am dismal in setting expectations for others including my husband, my children let alone communcicating them
I agree that the negative thinking (repetative, constant) is not productive. If you look at a previous posf mine same issue....but I don't the tools to change it....i need to learn how

[LeftCoastChick]

Oh Heavens, I'm so sorry to hear you have gone through that. I used to have great expectations for Xmas, but I found that they were only doing myself harm. Wanting that perfect day, everyone happy, getting the best gifts and day full of love.

Reality is a little different. If you set such expectations, you are bound to be disappointed. Children are not mind readers, they are very simple indeed. You have to tell kids, you can't expect them to know what you need, or expect. You should appreciate what you have with your family, and be lucky that you do have one. Speak with your husband so maybe in the future he can organize something with the kids.
Your children I am sure in no way think you have no value, you're their mom.

I honestly think you need to sit down and re-evaluate your negative thinking, does it seem too exagerated?  I don't understand why you wouldn't appreciate the gifts you did get. I'm sure they were very thoughtful :)

You have to remember, meds aren't going to fix negative thinking which is what is going on with you now.  The problem with us BP's is that we get so stuck on one thing, we can't see the value or positive aspect of an event.

What I can suggest is write down the positive things that happened during Christmas. Did you see family, did you have a nice xmas morning? Those sorts of things.