Could this be Borderline Personality Disorder?

I am 15 years old. My parents divorced when I was around 9, my father marrying my mother's best friend, leaving me very confused as to who's side I should be on. I do not have a history of abuse. However, for the past few years my father has negelected me, treating me with disrespect and constantly giving me the cold shoulder. I have very little idea of who I am to the point where I become anxious and depressed. I have a lack of identity. I experience difficulty planning my future, due to my constant changing values, personality, goals, and sense of self identitiy. I experience bouts of anger, depression, or anxiety that last from several minutes to hours, daily. My attitudes towards my friends and family suddenly shift from great admiration to intense hatefulness, which sometimes can be caused by a little thing such as the other person saying something that doesn't fit my current constantly changing view on a topic. I experience extreme black and white thinking, something either is or isn't, everything must be categorized this way or it will not make sense. My anger is very inappropriate at times and is uncalled for, however my anger never becomes physically violent, I only get extremely irritable and yell hateful words. I am deliberately manipulative in a way that turns the attention of the person towards me, but not in a sexual way. I am deliberately difficult just to be different that others. I make up huge lies to make myself look better. I used to think I had special psychic powers. I am afraid of touching other people. I am afraid of being sincere and emotional infront of others. Since I was 13, I've had a fear of being pregnant. These episodes of anxiety last about 5-7 months, causing extreme depression, anger, anxiety. This fear may be rational if I've had sex in the past, however I have not. There is no possible way that I could be pregnant, and I know that, however I cannot believe it, even if the 3rd pregnancy test turned out to be negative. I fear being the "Virgin Mary." It gets to the point where I relate everything to this irrational fear, and I begin thinking that the dog can sense it, causing him to act the way he is currently acting. Sometimes, I burst into tears for no reason. Only for a few minutes, but then i stop, and it will be impossible for any more tears to come out as if my eyes have gone completely dry. Others have noticed my extreme obsessions with certain things that last a few months. These obsessions include people with red hair (I will stop at nothing to look like a natural redhead), certain people, and certain drugs. I change my room around every week because I become extremely uncomfortable with the arrangement it is in. When one of my friends decides to hang out with someone else, I am left feeling empty, lonely, abandoned, and angry at him or her. Before I do something I will run it by someone else to get their approval so that I am not going to feel insulted later. I act perfectly fine in school, but I have noticed this is a barrier to seem normal. As soon as I get home, I begin to feel my emotional cycles of anger, anxiety, and depression. I have a history of extreme drug use. For about 1 year I smoked marijuana daily. For a few months I got drunk daily, and then began to become obsessed with ecstasy. I did ecstasy for 5 months and then I stopped because the cost ran up to 150 dollars every two weeks. I now only smoke marijuana daily and sometimes take prozac given to me by a friend, but only the recommended dose. My parents do not know my pattern of thinking, I am too afraid to tell them, or that they will shrug it off just like every other problem I have ever had. I do not like to talk to people about this, because they may think I am stupid, or worse that I am over-reacting. I have done every possible online test for borderline personality disorder, and I am almost convinced that that is what it could be.

I was just wondering if someone could relate all of these things that I have described to some sort of a mental disorder, because I am almost certain that all this cannot be normal. I am emotionally drained, and I would appreciate the help.

[Crystlas]

darling, this is the bipolar support forum.  There is a BPD forum right under this one on the forum listing.  Those folks in that forum suffer from BPD so they could probably read this post and better answer your questions.  I would cut and paste this book of yours so you do not have to retype it!  :-)   Good luck finding the answers you need!  

[ames67]

Just so you know, it can be very difficult to differentiate BPD from bipolar because of the mood swings. And the pregnancy fears sound reminescent of some manic symptoms, certainly the anger could be a piece as well. On the bright side, you have ALOT of insight into what is going on with you. Something that is not terribly common wioth BPD. DO refer to both forums, but you need to talk to a professional to help you sort all this out. You could start with a school counselor and get them to help you communicate to your parents. Hang in there. Taking the Prozac every once in awhile is not doing you any good, you have to take anti-depressants for 2-4-6 weeks for them to start working, and then you may have to try more than one to find the right drug for you. I hope you find some relief soon.

[something_in_the_way]

I dont know if my symptoms are extreme enough to be talked about between me and my parents. I am afraid tht they will just say I am over-reacting, and call me silly. However, if they take it seriously I am also afraid of what they really think of me, and they are just lying to me so they don't hurt my feelings. In regards to my anger, for example, one time my computer was having problems for several days. One day I just completely lost it and got extremely angry and threw the least destructive thing in sight. I began to become less angry and more apathetic towards the situation. I decided that I was going to push my computer off the table without any emotion. Also, sometimes when my mom is asking me a simple, non offensive question, and I cannot hear her or I am in a bad mood, I will jsut snap at her and scream WHAT? a million times to make her angry. Would this be considered as a severe anger problem?

[Crystlas]

Any type of psychological disorder always starts with a less severe symptoms and over time gets to the point of being out of control.  You are wise to be so tuned into yourself.  That is a very good thing.  If you really feel like you have serious issues on the rise, I would talk to a professional and get some insight.  Start with writing down different things that happen with you and make a log.  That a way you can present it to a professional and that will help them evaluate you.  You know you best, take care of you and talk to someone that can help you!  

[something_in_the_way]

I want to think one way, to suit my current pattern of thinking and my current mood, but then I start thinking completely differently, which affects my thought process. I then get frustrated, anxious, and angry because I can't figure out who I am because I can't stick to one kind of pattern of thinking. For example, I do not allow myself to llike more than one genre of music because that would be a mix of different kinds of music and one person can only like one type. I am not sure if I'm over-reacting and everyone my age goes through the same thing, I am just looking for quick relief of the way I think whether it is a problem or not.

[Crystlas]

I know what it feels like to have my thought patterns change, but I do not realize it.  I am different when I am manic, stable and depressed.  I have no control over it, but I do not negotiate with it either I just know that I have changed due to me getting manic or depressed.  I hate it.  Stability is my daily goal and when I have a bunch of good days I rejoice in it.  The only way you are going to know what is going on with you is to go see a psychiatrist for an evaluation.  They are professionals at this stuff and that is what they do.  I would start charting your moods and different feelings about everything to present to the psychiatrist.  Take care!  

[dene1966]

It sounded like bipolor to me. I dont know anything...I was just married to a man that suffered from it. We were together for 11 yrs though.

My daughter is exactly like the post.

[something_in_the_way]

my thought patterns usually change to depressed when I am alone, which is usually at home. everything bothers me when i become this way. last night i couldnt sleep, i layed in bed for about 4 hours in the dark, and my mind was just all over the place. i started to get annoyed by little lights in my room, like my cellphones light charging, and the glow in the dark remote control. I was anxious to get rid of all the light and it didnt work, and i got irritable. I ended up falling asleep under the covers where its all dark.

Thank you guys so much for the posts, I really appreciate your opinions. I may go see a psychiatrist, but I am too scared to come forward about all these problems, especially the "virgin mary," that must sound very ridiculous.

[Crystlas]

The more I read about you, the more it sounds like bipolar disorder and I am so glad you are thinking of seeking help.  Please do.  This thing is nasty when it gets out of control!  It is better to catch the sucker and get it put at bay.  I call it my "ugly little man" living in my brain thinking he is in control of how my moods go. NOPE, I shoved a chemical rod up his behind and now I am in control.  I look at my BP with humor, makes it easier to deal with.  I am totally with you on getting annoyed by light.  I love complete darkness.  I have two of those sleep masks on my nightstand just in case I am having anxiety about the room not being dark enough.  I have two because I bought one and got one as a gift.  For those crazy racing thoughts, which I so very much hate, I use a sound machine that plays ocean waves.  Very relaxing and blocks out my noisy brain so that I can sleep.  Hope this helps you more!  

[something_in_the_way]

thanks alot for your help, you are very insightful. But I can't really wear sleep masks, I am afraid there will be something lurking around that I won't see. If I do go to the psychiatrist, I am very afraid that they will tell me I'm over exaggerating or wanting attention because I am a teenager. And if they diagnose me with bipolar disorder or a personality disorder, how long will it take and will I be given a mood stabilizer?

[Crystlas]

I was diagnosed within two weeks.  I had the usual bloodwork to make sure it was not my thyroid.  I started a mood stablizer three weeks after seeing the psychiatrist.  You could go see a child psychiatrist.  They take clients up to the age of 18.  That away they will be more empathetic to your needs.  Go get yourself taken care of!!  

[something_in_the_way]

Im going to start a journal first, and see how bad things get. Im still not positive I should be seeing a psychiatrist, I don't cut or do self harm, other than drugs. In the past couple weeks I've started doing alot of drugs again, but I've noticed that I want to stay sober so I can observe my feelings in relation to BPD. Does BPD involve wanting to be in control? I've always had great feelings of hate towards the government and society in general, and the fact that i have no contorl over it makes me angry, and especially anxious and depressed. I have had suicidal thoughts because of this and other things, but I would never go threw with them. It's more of a wish for a fatal accident to happen to me.

[Crystlas]

I am glad you are going to start a journal, that is very smart of you.  Doing drugs will only aggrivate your condition and not smart AT ALL.  So please please stop.  It is best for you to do this self-observation sober in order to better understand what you have wrong with you.  If you are not sober, you will not get a complete analysis.  Are you using anything physically addictive?  Marijuana is easy to stop, but I know stuff beyond that can be very habit forming and physcially addictive.  If you are an addict, do you have a program you can attend to get clean, in order to figure out what is going on?  When I am deeply depressed I am very controlling and suicidal.  I have to be careful.  After an attempt I now have a chart to keep myself in check daily to know where my moods are.  I am doing well on my medication, very well.  I too, hate the government and just do not involve myself with politics, they are crooks in my opinion.  Society has its good side and bad side, I hang with the good.  Life is a balance, you have to find yours and then you will find yourself a happier individual.  You mentioning that you have control issues and feel suicidal are more bipolar that BPD.  BPD individuals are very self absorbed.  It is stigmatized as the "emo kid" illness.  Most emo kids are very introverted and live with a darkened view of what life is all about.  Alot of BPD's were also sexually abused as children.  This also leads to self-absorbtion and turning inward to deal with pain.  I hope this helps you some more.  

[Crystlas]

To add....in the light of "nature versus nurture".  Bipolar disorder is a "nature" illness, meaning it is genetic.  Borderline Personality Disorder is a "nurture" illness.  It stems from the individuals early childhood and the environment they grew up in.  If the child is not allowed to thrive and is harmed, especially sexually abused are high factors leading to BPD.  

[something_in_the_way]

Over a few days I have been writing a little paragraph or two of exactly how i am on a day to day basis.



I think that there is nothing more important in the world than to obsess over my “defective mental state.”

Sometimes I am bored, careless, hopeless, sad, self-loathing, isolated, sad, anxious, confused, apathetic, irritable, unmotivated, disinterested in everyday activities and lonely. This usually occurs when I am alone. When I am alone I obsess about every kind of mental illness there is and try to relate it to my own life. Suicidal ideation often occurs when I am by myself.

Sometimes I am happy, enthusiastic, irritable, aggressive, agitated, belligerent, impulsive, restless, doing drugs, filled with energy, easily distracted, feeling “chosen” (in relation to the Virgin Mary), intellectual, grandiosity, talkative, and flirtatious. This usually occurs when I am around other people.

I always experience black and white thinking, and loss of self identity. My “defective mental state” is always at the back of my mind. I am deliberately difficult to be different. When I talk to others, it is always about me. I have limited communication skills when it comes to feelings. I am afraid of physical touch. I won’t trust you fully; I think you always have something negative to say about me. Before I agree with something, I need others’ approval. I lie and exaggerate to make myself look better or for sympathy. I am intolerant of others’ views, whether it be agreeing or disagreeing. I insist on you seeing me as I want to be seen. My views on my friends go from intense like to intense hate. My hair will never be red enough. I will never not be pregnant.



I dont know what kind of an answer I am looking for on this website. I was hoping for a yes, you have that or a no, you do not have that kind of an answer from somebody. I do realize now that I need to get evaluated by a professional. If someone could just shed some more light on my situation and what it may be based on what I wrote above, i would very much appreciate it.

[Crystlas]

You are showing signs of both biological and physical states of being.  The only way to know what is wrong is a professional evaluation.  It is a gray area to "diagnose" you over the internet in the first place.  Your symptoms are so sparatic it is hard to pinpoint exactly what is going on.  Your best bet is to seek professional help as soon as you can.  Good for you on keeping that journal!  Take it with you on your first visit along with a list of questions you need to ask.  I am always writing down stuff to ask my psychiatrist and therapist so that during the times between seeing them, I am ready to compile a list of thoughts or questions when I do go for my appointments.  Best of luck!  

[something_in_the_way]

what are my different biological and physical states of being? Is it possible that there is nothing going on and that this is just my personality?

[Crystlas]

I am referring to your display of symptoms.  BPD is a psychological condition where as bipolar disorder is a biological disorder.  Your symptoms seem to be a blend of both.  I have known people to have both conditions.  Simply put, a person can be born with bipolar disorder due to family genetics and develop boarderline personality disorder due the environment that they are being raised in, which is usually abusive in some form.  I would highly advise you in getting an evaluation.  It is the only way to know what is exactly going on with you.

[ames67]

Regardless of whether it is Bipolar or BPD you need to get evaluated because it is making you miserable and influencing your ability to function day in and day out. For any psychological disorder in the DSM-IV (of which BPD is listed here) there has to be a decline in functioning enough to warrant a diagnosis. And on the nature versus nurture front, there is research supporting genetic and environment factors to both bipolar and BPD. It is a matter of degree, with bipolar there is usually a genetic predisposition then stressors trigger an episode. However, the same can be said for BPD as well. I don't care what they call it for you, I just can't reiterate enough how important it is to get some professional help. Journaling is a great way for you to track your thoughts and feelings but you need a therapist to talk to and a psychiatrist to evaluate you for meds, especially since you are having suicidal thoughts, even if you would never act on them, it is still a symptom that needs to be addressed. Have you talked to your school counselor yet?

[something_in_the_way]

no i haven't talked to my school counselor yet, and i would never do so because it is just too embarassing. i actually have gone to the doctor once with a "sore throat" but then asked to be referred to a child psychologist that i saw a couple times when i was around 9. she said she referred me, but no one has called me yet and that was about a month ago. even if i did get the appointment, i might not end up going because talking so someone about this in person would be mortifying. my mom found out that i wanted a referral, and shes been pressuring me to tell her whats up, but i really couldnt. one time i told her about my "virgin mary" crisis, and she asked if i wanted to go see a doctor but i said no because it would be too embarassing to go through that entire thing.

[ames67]

It sounds like your parents know something is up. At some point you will have to decide you don;t want to feel this way anymore and reach out to someone for help. ANd for the record, you don;t have to go through it all when you meet with a psychiatrist, they will guide you and ask you questions about your thoughts, feelings, and behavior, your symptoms. You don't have to give them every detail, but taking your journal with you is a good recommendation. I am really concerned about you and hope you can find a way to ask for the help you need.

[Jazzygirl_96]

First of all, you shouldn't take sides in divorces, even tho you know who's fault it was. Or even if they ask you who you like better. This will just cause more probs than neccesary. Try talking to your dad about how you feel also, even as how hard it feels. Keep a journal and write down how you feel and why you did this and that when you got angry. I was at a doctor once with my grandmother, and the doctor told her to say 5 things good about herself and what she appreciates when she wakes up and goes to bed. It helps, and it will help you realize what u have.  Also, PLEASE see a psychologist or doctor. Tell him/her everything, including the drug abuse. It will feel better not to hide stuff. You should considering going to those places who help teens stop w/ drugs, even tho it's embarrasing, it can save you. The doctor will tell u what you have.

[Crystlas]

I agree with ames67 and she has been in the profession much longer than I have.  I am a newbie Social Worker BTW.  I just happen to do research and it is one of my hobbies, to educate myself more on my own time!  I just want to add, that if you do not seek professional help your condition could worsen.  It has gotten bad enough for you to see help here, therefore, there is need for concern.  Please seek help.  It is nothing to be embarassed about.  Your school counselor has to respect privacy rights and can not release your information.  You have to come to terms with the fact that you are having an issue of some sort and then accept that you need help.  I have battled bipolar all my life, I started showing significant signs in high school myself, I just did not know what it was.  Then a few years later, after an abusive marriage to my high school sweetheart, it started to surface full blown.  So please, learn from us that have been dealing with mental illness and seek help so that you can feel better, as well as, keep the disorder from getting any worse!

[Nikki2226]

You sound a lot like me in many ways.  I don't know what is wrong with us, but I think it is something real.  The more I read about people in this forum urging you to get help from someone who knows what they are doing, the more I agree with them.  I am scared to get treatment because I don't want my husband and family to think I'm crazy and stop loving me.  You are scared too, and being a teenager means people might blow you off as "going through a phase."  I think we should both suck it up and talk to someone whose job it is to listen to people like us.  If they want to judge us or think we are crazy then they chose the wrong profession.  

[Crystlas]

If your husband and family really love you, they will not think you are crazy,,,seek help!  It is the best way to go.  I never hide that I am bipolar, if someone does not like it, they can kiss my behind!!  

[something_in_the_way]

at the doctors, how will they evaluate me? will it take a few times going for the doctor to get some sort of idea of whats going on? or is there some sort of a questionnaire to fill out?

[ames67]

When you go to the doctor they all have paperwork for you to fill out that will ask questions about how you are feeling, thinking, behaving both currently and in the past. As to whether or not they will use like a Bipolar Questionnaire, that depends on the doctor. But after one visit, I would be very surprised if they did not put you on some kind of medication for your difficulties. Then they will typically see you every 2 weeks for awhile until they can see how you respond to the medications, then taper off to once a month or every couple of months and each time they will adjust the medications as needed. I AM SOOOOOO glad you are thinking about going to the doctor. It is the right thing to do, Are you going with your mom?

[jvfierro]

You sound like me....My parents divorced when I was 2 and my dad married my moms best friend.  He neglected my sister and I, and still does to this day.  It does sound like Bi-Polar, but like everyone else who has responded, I would definately recommend you tell your mom about your feelings.  You need to be evaluated and possibly be put on medication.  You do not need to tell them about the details, just let them know so that they can get the jist of what is going on.  I know how scary it is to get help.  I sought out help after getting angry with my kids and hurting one of them.  I told the doctor about hurting one of my kids and they contacted CPS.  Thankfully CPS decided that there was nothing to warrant having my kids taken away, but having them investigate was enough.  I am glad though that I sought out help because now I know that my problems have a name.  Trust me, you will feel a great weight off of your shoulders when you get a diagnosis.  Your first step should be to tell your mom though.  She will be more understanding than you think.

[Crystlas]

It is not a scary process at all.  It is actually quite positive.  You get to finally get those answers you needed.  If they do suspect bipolar, you will have to go get a blood test to check your thyroid.  That is the worst part.  When you are with the psychiatrist, they will talk to you and guide you on this.  I did have one psychiatrist I got transferred to that was a real jerk, and would not talk to me at all.  I only saw him once.  If you get someone like that, keep trying until you get someone that will communicate with you.  More likely, than not, you will.  I have been in and out of psychologist and psychiatry offices for quite a few years and only this one gave me any trouble.  Lets us know how it goes!  I hope you do go.