Doomed or not to be !

[cleveulivi69]

I'm now 46 yrs old and have had a bumpy road.  I started having severe mood swings when I turned nineteen and was wrongly diagnosed with just depression when I was actually severe Bi-polar.  I used alcohol especially in these younger years to make me feel normal what ever that is?  Still to this day when I do have a few glasses of wine or a six pack of beer I just feel better,  more relaxed.  I've been on so many different drugs I can't name them all,  I'm presently on lithium and tegratol.  I married my long time girlfriend despite telling her she would be better off without me and we were married for 16 years and had two incredible sons now 15 and 20.  I was very verbally abusive towards my oldest son and cannot forgive myself,  when I was stable I was a different person but out of no where would become very angry and lash out at the ones I love most.  I became addicted to Norco pain pills five years ago and quit cold turkey,  I haven''t had any pain meds since October 1st of 2014.  By then the damage had been done,  neither one of my children will even talk to me not that I blame them.  They are the two most important people on this planet to me.  I guess my question is should I even be in their lives?  Will I relapse with the pain meds since I have had two back surgeries that have left me disabled,  I will never be normal but over the past six months I have been as stable as possible,  I'm controlling my anger outbursts but for how long.  Do I keep trying,  I can't seem to move on with my liife without them in it.  I guess I"m getting what I deserve...

[Bubulous]

Welcome to the forum,
YES you keep trying.  My new motto is Never give up!!!
Like CRS said, you are not to blaim fo what has happened but you are responsible for what happens fromt this point on.  I mean it- this point on .  Get in the moment and let the past go.  We keep fighting because we have to.  Sure it is a never ending battle and the opponent is the same every time (depression, and anger).
Please do not go back to the pain pills.  Sure they help but they are not the answer. I know that those kids mean the world to you.  I have three boys right now ages 6, 3, and 2.  I pulled myself out of their life because I thought they would be better off without me and that was true then.  However, I long for the day that I may be stable enough to be with them.  I will continue to work on myself until then and the main thing is that we must love ourselves like we love those kids.  We must have faith and Never give up.
Hang in there.  You have a few years on me but I have fought the same battles you have and I am at a point that i do not need stimulants to live my life.  If I never see those boys again I know that they are taken care of.  I left them with some very capable and loving mothers.
Find peace in yourself and spread it to others... that is the secret to life.  We must keep the love coming in and when we are full we must spread it to others.

[CRSeaside]

Number one you are not to blame for mental illness. Congratulations for kicking the Norco. That medicine can add to mania and anger outbursts.
  Are you the type of person who forgives and have you taught your children the art of forgiveness?
Be the type of guy they want in their lives. Have BBQ's. Buy a boat. Jet ski. Or rent a boat and invite them on a wakeboard & waterski trip. Think about it.
  What would you want to do with your own dad?
  Try to not feel rejection. It may take 40 invitations before they agree. Send notes. Eml. Call on the phone. Don't give up. Make this important.
  You may want to get a psychologist and learn some behavior techniques. It's called CBT.
And get a new Psychiastrist from a hospital that has a mental ward. You may need your meds reevaluated. They have the most experience.
  All the best to you. Maxy