Embarrassed?

[DGWR]

I was just diagnosed with BP2 this past Feb.2014.  I am embarrassed to tell anyone, only my Mother, Husband & 1 friend knows.  It is not necessary for others to know but my brother, I cant get the nerve to tell him.  Does others feel ashamed as I do?  There is this stigma that goes along with the name unfortunately.

[DGWR]

Wow!  I'm blown away by all the help and understanding that you receive.  That is a BLESSING!  The places you have to escape, that is awesome!  Unlike you I don't have that support nor places to escape.  I am taking care of my mother and it can be a real struggle bc I cannot take care of myself a lot of the time. Their is no one to give me a break! she is not bed ridden but came close to death. Since then if off & on with different medical issues. She is with me almost 24/7. Hope God does not take me wrong, I am not complaining (I am BLESSED to have her here).
You talked about leaving the country.  I seriously cannot count the times it goes thru my mind to leave but I cannot until Mom gets well & is stable physically. LOL!  I have thought to change my name/identity and start a new life!
The reason for wanting to stop the medication is to have my "ole" self back, full of energy (almost euphoric).  Busy, Busy Me, now I am a turtle & have put on 20 lbs when ALL my life I was skinny, skinny.  The medication has to be the problem!  
You have a fantastic plan but unfortunately it would could not work for me but I do THANK YOU for sharing.  Know how Blessed you are for the people around you who love, understand and help!!!

[weaver71]

I have a dose of Abilify set aside for my wife to hand me if I go to manic and she wants to knock me out. I have Lamotrogene to take as the Abilify wears off. I am only taking jobs I can leave if I need to. I have a private space to retreat to. Friends are watching me, and giving my wife feedback. My 10 and 12 year olds are also watching me and warn me when I start to drift into obsessive thinking or am getting real intense. I go to therapy regularly to get feedback on how I seem to an objective observer. I study CBT daily and take inventory of myself constantly. I don't carry much cash, so I don't just take off to a foreign land on a whim, that has been my MO for a long time. I have my iPad in my cave, I write anytime I feel irritated or anxious, bad in any way really. The writing helps me a lot, at the time and when reading it later. Everyone in my home knows to leave me alone, if I say I need space right now. I arranged my life, so I can stay in my cave anytime if needed. I eat really well, so I can rule out blood sugar issues and make certain I am not malnourished. I have people I can call anytime for support and help bring me down a little, or at least remember the Big Picture beyond moods. I think reducing as much stress as possible is the main thing for me. I have a backpack ready to grab and go out in the mountains if I need to get away from my property. That's most of it. I am sure that list will keep growing as I learn more of how to cope. Having local people who understand my condition relieves a lot of stress. It took awhile to find them, but I do not feel so alone in this now. I may feel bad, but I dot feel like a freak or a loser anymore. I thought about church, but my therapist suggested I avoid organized religion for awhile. I'll try to think of more tools. Are you quitting your meds for a specific reason? Do they help, do you have bad side effects?

[DGWR]

That's Great you have those hobbies!  Your are correct, I loved the flower gardening I once called it my therapy.  I had stopped for years, until this one and I had the desire to plant (half heartedly) but I did.  It wasn't quite the same.  

[DGWR]

Thank You for explaining, it makes plenty of sense.  I do pray it will work out successful for you.  I am slowly tapering off of the medication, I know I must go slowly.  What safety measures do you have in place.

[weaver71]

Meditate on a hobby, maybe it's time to start a rescue facility again, something meaningful that drives you. I find I can get out if my head by being in my body, sometimes. I garden in summer and write in winter. I have a few things I picked back up to keep me from obsessing on how I feel.

[weaver71]

Why do I not suggest stopping meds? I don't think it will work for everyone and is potentially dangerous, for me it is anyway. I get really manic. So I don't recommend nor Condemn the use if meds and support people in whatever they choose. My situation is unique, supportive wife and kids, I have a studio to hide if needed, friends are watching over me, doctor and therapist too, I have the option and support to change my life anyway I want. If I hop a plane and end up in another continent, again, my family will accept me back and help form a new plan. Without all those things in place, I couldn't have gone off meds. Still not sure I can stay off them, but I had lost who I am in the meds. I have to start over if I am going to use them. I felt I was medicating my medications more than my BP. I still had intense cycles on meds, so I decided to form a solid plan and went off meds.

Since I quit, I had one moderate psychotic event. My friends and wife were worried, but I came out of it with little consequences. We have made some adjustments and intend to handle things different next time. Whether it's meds or no mess, I find BP treatment to be a total experiment, even doctors will agree with that. They don't know why the meds even help, there is no hard science to back any treatment, only trial and error, lots of accidents too. Heart meds help some, anti convulsants help some, BP meds help some, and some never find relief from anything. Going off meds was a difficult and well thought out plan. I could never suggest anyone make that choice because of me, it has to be their own decision. I would also never suggest taking any particular med. these are life changing choices.

If you want to know more specific about the safety measures I have in place, send me a message. I don't want to be putting ideas in people's head who weren't already thinking about them. I am still uncertain I can do it, this is still in my trial phase. I have met some folks who are med free and happy and people on meds who never feel good though, so I'm gonna give it my best shot. I know some will condemn me for sharing this or thinking it's even possible, but I have seen pretty bad results from prescribed meds as well. Unfortunately there is not one right answer.

[DGWR]

Thank You ! To answer your question, I don't do anything for fun and I know that is not health.  As for hobbies, none anymore.  I lost interest in the things I would do in the past that was enjoyable to me.  I loved rehabilitating raccoons (that was my passion).   WR&E (Wildlife Rehab & Education) found it very difficult to find people that wanted to rehab them because it takes almost a yr. for a raccoon to be ready for release.  They are very intelligent creatures & wonderful to raise with a LOT of work. The work was worth it!!!
When my husband kicked me to the curb and then we agreed that I would return & I would take care of my elderly uncle, that's when I lost all interest in things. Its when I came back here.  This land is my inheritance & Im Thankful for it and I will leave it at that!
I do need to pick up a hobby. 1st I need ambition & the energy I lost.!!!
You don't suggest anyone to stop the BP meds but you did.  Why would you not suggest it to others?

[weaver71]

"Compassionate and helpful to others in need." I have found that most BP people have extreme values, many are truly amazing people, I feel the same about recovering addicts. I think suffering makes us caring and open minded. I am in the process of making new friends. It is an experiment. I have been telling people I am BP the first time we meet. Even so, I have been invited to a sweat lodge, an astronomy club, and people want to come see my aquaponics set up I am building at my house. I guess I is aged myself more than I thought. I believed I cad stuck in my situation, but I wasn't. I couldn't think of anyone who cares about me or anything I do. My view was narrow and I wasn't looking outside my own limits. I found out my neighbor has the same diagnosis as me, he complimented me for being so honest. He asked how I had been and I said the truth, I was cycling fast and having a rough time lately. He felt totally alone until I was open with him. He is well liked and respected by many, but he could only see the judgment and limitations on him. I relate, I feel that at times too. Now, at least we don't have to feel totally alone in that. I flipped out in my front yard. I was embarrassed to leave the house. I told another neighbor what was going on. They said, "oh, okay, we thought you were on drugs, that's a relief." They talked about a close friend who goes through the same thing and said I will get a hold on it. They know about me being on opiates a couple years ago too, and they still seem to be caring and like me. I am amazed to be honest. I would not have guessed the nieghbors would be relieved that my behavior was bipolar. Anyway, not even sure any of this applies. I just wanted to say that I felt backed into a corner of hell and believed I would never escape. I just keep trying new things, usually just beyond my comfort zone, but I am slowly finding new ways to cope.

As for meds, I would never suggest anyone who is BP to not take meds. On the other hand, I took meds for 6 months and went off them all. My old self has returned, but I have had some struggles in coping. My wife is the one who is deciding. If it's too much for her to handle, I will take meds again. In the mean time, I have plans in place for any future events I can think of. I also am very diligent in channeling my thoughts to optimistic thinking. When I obsess and get negative, I have a place to go an wait it out.

It must be hard having family who doesn't understand you. My parents sound similar, accept they are on drugs too. They say, "We are all BP, just think about something else." Well, we know that is not always possible. I had to search and search to find people who related. I finally felt I was gonna go insane and never return. I couldn't hide it any longer. I THINK THAT IS WHAT inspired me to start telling people. I have lost work, some friends, and some people are plain scared of me. I do look scary in full mania. It has been worth those issues to have so e support. I couldn't do it alone anymore.

WhAt do you do for fun, any hobbies, sports, or anything?

[DGWR]

I to would like to vanish but I have my Mother to take care of  LOL!  I give it my best but its hard to take care of myself.  Sometimes its like the blind leading the blind.  I am Thankful to have her (she almost died, life support for 2 mths).  I make mistakes so often, it is scary. She puts me down a lot but she apologizes.  Its still difficult bc she does not understand me (I don't even understand me).  I try to talk with her about issues I am having and Im told get over it, stop thinking about it or I don't want to talk about it.  I talk to God he is the only one to hear me & care.  I believe he lead me to this website to have others to talk with who are in my same boat & will read care and share.
God Bless You & Everyone

[DGWR]

I lack support from those who know. U too?  Have u ever felt u have lost yourself? I do, I cant find myself!  In my mind, if I could get off these BP, anxiety drugs, I (the person I once knew) would b back again. Do u feel or have ever felt that way?
Thank You!!!!

[DGWR]

Compassionate and helping others in need.  Instead of compliments from others, I receive insults and put-downs.

[persephonedemeter]

That's true about the stigma, but it makes me roll my eyes or get angry when I hear a very ignorant comment or myth spoken about it, especially when it is used to belittle or bully someone or used like a "b" word.

I've never been embarassed about having bipolar disorder, but I certainly was angry and upset when I heard the psychiatrist tell me that I have bipolar disorder. It took awhile for me to "embrace it." I know the reason why I was upset with the diagnosis is because It took me away from viewing myself iin perfect health. It was a big blow to me.

For a very long time after I reacted very strongly upon hearing the diagnosis , No one, not even my psychiatrist, my therpists or people around me even mentioned the word bipolar disorder to me until I asked about it myself. It took more than a year for me to query about it. People were gentle about my question, but I think they were really glad I finally said it, probably because they spent such a long time tiptoeing around me. Tiptoeing around a person can be pretty hard sometimes, especially when it comes to freedom of speech. I am usually a person who likes to be spoken to directly.

It was pretty obvious to people that I was not mentally well. More obvious to them than it was to me in the beginning when I was trying to control it with just therapy and before I even saw a psychiatrist for the first time. No one asked me what was going on. People generally respected my privacy, but if I did get a question fishing for answers; especially, when I knew it was going to go on to gossip, I would either clam up and walk away.   At first they thought it was a situationally caused mental breakdown, because I usually bounce back pretty quickly and I was known to be very resilient under extreme stress. When months went by and I would be stabilized for a few months and break down again, eventually spending a long time being hospitalized, they knew it was something more severe.

I did tell people I was dealing with bipolar disorder. I work pretty closely with people, and I didn't like to compromise myself or others by tiptoeing around myself. I knew about the stigma but I didn't feel like it was something I had to hid. I live in San Francisco, and I saw what stigma did to people who had AIDS. So, I put it out there, and put a face to the bipolar disorder. I knew and anticipated the possible consequences. There are some people out there who I knew would try to turn that fact into some kind of weapon, and a few did to try to discredit me, but it backfired on them, because they were so over the top with it, they looked more crazier than I was.

I learned who my real friends were, and who I had to be more careful with. Surprisingly, I discovered how much people who I didn't even consider as friends really cared and thought highly about me. For these people, they defined me for who I was, not by a disorder that was a part of me. I also learned a lot about my family. It gave me a sense of what love and friendship was all about, and the depths to which it will go. I also found out a lot about myself, and what I really valued. I found out I underestimated myself. I and others also discovered that I was a lot deeper and multidimensional than how I looked outside. Illness will do that.

I got all kinds of reactions, but for the most part, people were polite to my face about it. Some comments came back to me that were said pretty harsh.  Things that people said about questioning my capabilities or my capacity to things. I am an old hand at letting harsh comments, taunts, and name calling roll down my shoulders. I know enough that people who do that usually hang themselves with it in the end, and it never reflects well on them.

I chose to tell my immediate family and my close friends and people I work with because I found it was best to let them hear it from me and not someone else. That has always been "my policy" since I was a kid..even when I knew that it was something they didn't want to hear but that it would likely affect them. In my family, there  is nothing worse than hearing something about family from outside the family. Since I normally feel there is nothing to hide about myself to my family, I usually give them the heads up. I do it out of respect for them and so it doesn't catch them off guard. If there was some topic that might inflict a lot of pain to another, I usually discuss it with someone who I respect, and if I was especially worried, I would make sure the person receiving the news has someone other than myself to talk to who was readily available for support. There are some things I wouldn't tell a soul because I am bound to confidentiality. I know the value of discretion, security, confidentiality and privacy. There are a few things in my life that I am embarassed about but bipolar disorder is not one of them.

[mema61313]

I have the same problems. U can talk to me. :)

[mema61313]

Hi I'm new here! Lol. I'm also ashamed to tell anyone. My family and hubby know. I am also having the same problem. If anyone can help to deal with this issue alot of us have we all would greatly appreciate it. Thanx :)

[weaver71]

I totally feel lost at times. I just went through it, that's why it took so long for me to reply. My psychotic breakdown left me in ether space, limbo. I couldn't remember how to do things I've done since childhood. I couldn't remember who my friends were, much less me. The last year of telling people and reaching out has made it easier for me. I can tell my friends I am in a tunnel and obsessing in a negative way. Instead of appearing crazy and like an escapist, They understand me more. I am surprised how accepting people are. Not everyone, but the important people. I always hid, but having kids has forced me to be present more. I think that has made it harder. Now, I tell my kids I'm manic and should be left alone, they have grown okay with it. For a 10 and 12 yr old, my kids know a lot about drugs and mental health. I feel less self destructive due to my condition because of that. Hope you are feeling better, you are in there, so never stop growing.

My first wife said,"There is no such thing as Tony, you ARE change." It took many years, but I know that is not true now. My faith, my empathy, my helpful nature is always there, even in the depth of my opiate addiction. What are some things you like about yourself, or compliments you have received about your good character? I meditated on that almost a year before it became clear. So, tell me a good thing about you.

[usehername]

I vanish when I'm depressed and people want real answers for my months long absence, so everyone close to me knows. I disappear because I don't want to accidentally hurt anyone and I kind of just want to be alone. Itsbetter that way. My boyfriend and mother check in on me, but to the rest of the world, I've fallen off the face of the earth.

[DGWR]

Thank You so much !  What you are telling me sheds a whole new light on the situation.  It would definitely separate the true friends from the fair weather ones.  You talked on accepting the BP yourself, I too am struggling with acceptance.  I did not know about the people you named that had such great minds with BP.  Thank You, it helps me to feel better.
It makes me cry to read your sentence (dumping our problems on each other is part of why we are here and don't give it a second thought).  Right now I am struggling, I want my old self back. I have lost me, I don't know who I am or how I lost me.  Do you ever feel that way? I was so full of energy (cleaning for 16 hrs was nothing for me), a total perfectionist, always skinny and very close to God. It all went away and I keep gaining 5 lbs by 5 lbs.  I am thinking of stopping the mood stabilizers & cutting back slowly the other 2 drugs.  I think maybe I could find me if I could just get off the medication.  

[weaver71]

After 20 plus years of hiding it, I finally decided that telling people helps me determine if they are gonna be real friends, or fair weather friends. I was not rehired for a job because of my BP, and the owner of the business is BP. Pretty much everyone knows now and I think the stigma feels less for me, simply because I avoid close minded and judgemental people. When I was really trying to accept it myself, I did research on the greatest minds of history, looking for those who were bipolar. Galileo, Michaelangelo, Isaac Newton, Picasso, just to name a few. Everyone has weaknesses and fall short of perfection, to me, bp makes my weaknesses and strengths amplified. I don't think I would have such deep empathy or creative processing without my bp. I am not saying you should tell anyone, I do live in a very alternative community, so there are enough people that accept me. I just wanted to share how it went for me. And by the way, dumping our problems on each other is part of why we are here, so don't ever give that a second thought.

[DGWR]

Thank You 4 your help.  I will keep it to myself bc of the stigma.  I have no one to talk to about my Bipolar Issue and am Thankful to find this website and people like you who are helpful.  
I take care of my Mother who is going thru serious health problems.  It is extra hard for me bc at times I cannot really take care of myself. She doesn't give me support & puts me down when I go thru those periods of depression with low grade fevers & sleeping a lot. She is impatient & often I cant do anything right.
I am separated from my husband who lives next door, LOL! He is supportive sometimes. Then there is the 1 friend who says, "They shouldn't put labs on people like Bipolar, that makes me mad. I think you should find another psychiatrist".
Sorry to dump all that on you!  I don't feel sorry for myself, its just nice to have someone as myself to converse with.   Thank You Again  & God Bless You,

DGWR

[Midijane]

Hi there,

I'm not sure what the answer is bc we want to feel understood and supported but the stigma is so strong and mostly negative. I have felt over the years that it is easier for my friends not to know about my bipolar. I just talk about my depression and leave it at that. My close friends are empathetic to my depression and not having to deal with any other judgements they have kind of takes some pressure off for me. It's one less thing to worry about.

With my family, I'm not sure what else I should expect from them. They're loving and supportive when they need to be, and otherwise treat me like they always have. There are times when I feel I need a lot more support from them and don't get it, and times I hear pity in my sisters voice. I guess everyone involved does their best but it's hard to know what to do or how to act.

If you're hesitant to tell your brother now, then wait. Listen to your gut. There is always time for that later.

M