Feeling Trapped

hi recently i have been experiencing a feeling of being trapped inside my own body.
i feel like i should be someone else i dont mean be another person, actually i dont know what i mean im confused with all of it, but i know that it just doesnt feel right i look at myself in the mirror and think i shouldnt look like that
i havent got a problem with my face but i dont like anything else about me.
thinking like this is really getting me down
i want to know if anyone else has felt like this
is feeling like this part of having bipolar II ?

[Barribjorn]

For years I have had the urge to run away. I figured it out a couple of years back after rehab. I was running from me. I wanted to be out of the skin I was in. I was not the person I was when depressed or hypermanic. I liked teh onset of mania and took uppers to stay there. I am sure some of you know that cycle. Well all the running and uncomfort was from myself. How do you change that?

[determined2beatit]

I had an experience once when I was in a really bad state of depression! My doc said because of the depression being so bad, I was not connecting with myself, is the best way to describe it, I can't think of the word but suddenly, I felt the way you described but also my home, belongings, nothing was familiar to me anymore. I mean I recognized everything but I lost my feeling of being connected to anything! I felt like I didn't have a feeling of feeling familiar with my surroundings. He said it was the opposite of deja vous but I don't know the medical term for it. he said people do that as sort of a protective defense. I don't remember being THAT depressed at the time. It was soooooo weird!!

[tase]

I'm guessing that's part of this disorder.  I know that I'm currently going through a manic episode and I feel that the only thing holding me together is my skin.  Also, I feel as tho there are two of me and one struggles with the other.  There is me and then there is "manic me".  "Manic Me" wants to run, not look back, dosen't care who he hurts (family..etc).  I truly am afraid of what I will say or do and that will cost me a great deal of heartache.  Since I've rambled, I'll stop...but I think what your feeling is part of this disorder.

[cheeklollipop]

im so glad that other people feel this way
i was beginning to worry there might be something else wrong with me.
thank you for your replies

laura x x x x

[Barribjorn]

Think about how complex this disorder is and it will mess with your mind. I just realized that I have triggers I didn't know where there and they are sound and smell. I can go from depressed to hyper manic in seconds when these buttons get pushed. Mahanging ourselves is like the ultimate in monastic or shamanistic paths. We fight the hardest enemy for control. Ourselves..

[RubyShooz]

Oh, so true.  I do feel trapped inside my own body sometimes.  Even though I pray I will never act on these urges, sometimes I just want to get into my car and drive away, anywhere and nowhere.  Or I wonder what it would be like if I just jumped off a bridge into the river, or jumped into Niagara Falls or something.  I wonder who will miss me when I'm gone and nobody knows where I went.  Who will miss me when I die?  And then there's the feeling of being two people inside my one body.  The "manic me" and the "depressed me" and I never know which one is going to rear its ugly head suddenly.  Sometimes I look in the mirror and all I see is ugly and fat.  Other times I see the real me, decent looking and size 10.  I feel like such an outcast.  I've even fantasized about finding a mysterious long-lost sister (I have no such person) -- and she will understand me and take me away from all my misery.  Or maybe I'm a princess, trapped here until my prince comes along to rescue me and take me to some magical place.  I guess these are all symptoms of bipolar, it sure is a crazy ride.

[Tink70]

Well, as you can tell....it's the disorder!  I'm so glad you posted that question/comment.  Cause I feel the same!  Not all the time but alot of the time.  I want to be someone else, go somewhere else.  Almost as if I wake up and look around and say..."This CAN NOT be MY life!"  The whole feeling of not being familiar with your surroundings....totally relate!  Like you are visiting!  What RubyShooz said about the "fantasy" thoughts....totally relate!  And it IS comforting to know that there are "others" out there in this big ole world that feel the same things, think the same things.  Almost feels good!  They call this the "Genius Disease".  Most of us are highly intelligent, creative, sensitive people that have been afflicted with this chemical imbalance in our brains.  We are just sometimes unable to turn thought into action and action into productivity since everything (for me atleast) moves at light speed!  My brain never shuts off!  I wake up and the moment my eyes open, even before my feet hit the floor, I'm thinking!  Thinking, thinking, thinking!  I tell my "normal" friends that if they were in my brain for even 10 minutes they would go crazy from the noise and the music and the thoughts!  The meds help alittle with that but it will always be there.  Good to hear similarities!
Hope all goes well

[RubyShooz]

You're so right, Tink70.  I, too, am always thinking, thinking, thinking -- bad thoughts, good thoughts, fantasy thoughts, stupid thoughts -- there is no escape.  What a jumble of sounds and thoughts constantly going through my brain, day and night.  The meds do help, but they are not a 100% cure for me.  BP will always be a part of my life, but I try not to let it become my whole life -- I want to save a little piece of life for myself, my "normal" self.  When I feel down, I tell myself to just get through this one day, and then MAYBE tomorrow will be a better day.  If not, then perhaps the next day will be better!
Hugs,
Ruby

[dsmf]

I have many of the same feelings, I used to yhink I was mpd but my psycoligest ruled it out I fight with other parts of myself all the time the worst in when I am on a high and drop so fast to wanting to end it all, It is hard to explaine to anyone for feer they will leave me . I feel hopless most of the time and over commet when on a high and make a fool of my self I have often felt that if I didn,t have to work I could express my self better becouse I would not have to hide what is realy going on with me. I was abused as a child and learend very wel how to hide myself and can't seem to stop that I trust my psycoligest, and can't seem to even totally open up to her. and my pshcatrist I only see 20 min at a time about 1 time a mounth or 6 weeks so how can open up to her I just tell her how it is. 13 years ago I tried for the 3rd time to kill myself and all most did. It was bye the grace off god I am still hear I spent at least 3 days in intencive care. I still have no idea what I did. Now that the cycles have all come back and are so much stronger. I am really scared. when I tell that to people the best I can I don't seem to get my point across I drove for three days befor I relized I had left home and called to say i was ok just needed directions home. I have to wook to suport my self and my 12 year old daughter and husband he works about 60 hours a week and i 40 but I don't feel i can handle this or life much longer what has keeped me hear so long is my daughter I even have made plans once she goes to college in5 years I take 150mg lamictall and 30mg off lexapro I also have un dignosed bowell problems and who knows how long that will take to find out and cure I have lost 50lbs in4-5 months do to all my health. I use to bing eat when depresed now I have to make my self eat weather on a high or depressed. I can go withas little as 10 hrs sleep in a 9-12 day period even with sleep pills or after being in the hospital and being treated for a migraine with iv meeds and up to 3 doses of nafcotics and still go home and take 2 oxycoden 325. do you have any advise for me . I realy need help but don't trust people who know me.
     help
     dsmf

[krazd]

I feel like im a ghost in the shell, like i am something trapped in an organic prison that keeps me from true freedom. What is freedom anyway, and is there such thing in this world, I worked out that it doesn't exist because all our actions are based on our genetic memory and circumstances which lead to experiences that controll our present and future actions in life, like if i didnt have bi polar I would not be on here sharing my thoughts with you guys, to put it in the simplest terms. Take pedophiles for instance, most of us them dead and so do I, but imagine a world where it was illegal for a man to be in love with a woman his own age, you could throw me into prison and i still wouldnt change because of the chemicals in my brain that govern those so called morals, so do I have a choice in being attracted to females, the answer is no due to my genetic memory and also the upbringing of my parents who tried their best to raise me according to the social norm. Take this for instance, if i was born into a muslim family and raised that way then I would believe in nothing but what i was told to believe, same goes for any other religion, but imagine being born on an island and raised never knowing anything about religion or being exposed to thoughts of a higher power, you would never know of it unless you became exposed to it one day. Sorry for going on about things but I just went through a messed up psychotic episode where I felt like I needed to jump out of my own skin, and i feel like i am in my head trapped behind my eyes needing to get out and be free, but then I think to my self that there is no freedom or real choice in life. Im not like this all the time though, i keep my self occupied with designing for my clothing label and i have a great girlfriend and more close friends then i can count but when i have an episode like this, my whole body just goes mental, like i become very agitated at first and then i start shaking and breathing heavy, then my back just bends as i lift my body off the bed with the back of my arms and its really messed up, i just feel like my body is being drawn and quartered. I wish we could all be cured from this

[adel_ezz]

i don't believe everything which comes to our mind must be due to our disorder. This phenomenon i wouldn't say completely normal but deja vu of course. it's a matter of our mind thinking all sort of possibilities and this is one of them. Attributing everything to our disorder isn't healthy and is harmful more than illuminating.

Further, not only that you can look at the mirror and suspect why not this the face of somebody else or that my soul is imprisoned inside another body but more strange phenomenon can also occur

does it ever occur to you - try to concentrate in what i am saying - that while asleep or at rest in your bed that your soul is staying somewhere else or flying within the room and looking at your body from the outside. Don't you know that believers feel there is a ghost in the machine (i am one of them) and this idea dates from the ancient times, in ancient egypt, the soul is represented by a bird called the ba while the spirit or the ka is the motor and without it you are dead. but the ba wants to return to the dead body this is why they mummified the dead in order that the ba identifies it. I don't believe in this story but that what we see in the mirror is a reflection of our ba and all the cultures and religions stressed upon this. it's the ba which will stand for the big trial. as to the ka it can enter into a newly born child (the indian religion).

So looking into the mirror is not frightening but more which occurs to me and it's being published and deja vu is to look at your body from the outside from another place while asleep.

don't get alarmed from every thought, otherwise we will become all crazy eventually. Don't think about yourself too much. give it a break and have a long walk. Watch TV, play games, go to the pubs, try as much to socialize with others.    

[run4you]

I think that it's called dissociation where you look at yourself as if you're someone else... you're not really you.

I've had it before, I had it with my last manic/mixed episode to an extreme, but I do feel that way frequently.

I have never really questioned the 'why', mostly because I just want it to go away... but there are some really good suggestions I can ponder by all these knowledgeable people...

:)

[Ivy87]

I have been reading all of these comments and they are all very interesting. I feel mostly the same way, except with a little difference.

I feel that my body is too small for my mind and my person, or spirit if you will. I get this way when I'm manic. I'm fidgity, restless, don't know what I want to do. I'm torn between wanting to run until I can't run anymore, going somewhere or anywhere, taking a shower to calm down, or reading, etc. This lasts for days or just hours. I feel like ripping my skin from my body to try to escape but I know that it won't help. I also feel that there are two different persons inside of my body. They never seem to agree. I'm not sure if they are the "manic me" or the "depressed me" that you all have been talking about, but all the same there seem to be two.

I have never talked to another with bipolar so this is new to me. I don't go to any docters and am not on meds because I'm out of a job and just plain can't afford it. So my bipolar is kind of out of control.

[cmbeezy]

I am relieved yet frightened by your comments. I haven't been diagonosed with anything but have feared I may be bipolar. I just feel a little bit at ease to know there are people with similar perceptions on themselves as I do. When I look in the mirror at home I see a very attracitve young woman but the second I leave it I feel insecure fat and ugly, even when I look into other mirrors. I think to the point that I want to cry I have mentally tried to shut my thoughts out but have simply become aloof and disassociated to my surroundings, dreams, and myself. I hate that I can't control this and I feel it progressing. I guess I'm scared of getting confirmaiton of something that would further seperate me from my friends and family. Thank you so much for sharing.