Feeling upset after seeing therapist (kind of long)

[getlykemc10]

I've recently begun seeing a new therapist for my depression and bipolar and up until our last session I had no issues. At my last session she asked me how were things at home and I told her how my five-year-old son out of the blue asked me what respect meant. I told her how I explained to him in a way that he would understand that it was basically a way of being nice to another person. My son being curious as ever, started asking me more about it such as when would he have to respect someone and how. I told her how I gave him examples of respect. I told him that even though everyone is different we all want to be respected for how we think and feel even if someone else thinks/feels a different way. He asked exactly what I meant and I gave him the example of how him and his female playmate like different things (him: cars; her: dolls) but they show respect to each other (without realizing it) by realizing that despite what the other likes they can still play together and be friends. He then asked me where would he need to show respect and I named places such as restaurants, school, other people's houses, etc. He also asked if other people had to show him respect too and I explained that yes they should, but that sometimes others choose not to do so. I told him not calling someone out of their name also shows respect. The last question he asked me was why he needed to be respectful to other people. I told him that being respectful will help him form friendships with other people and in turn he will be respected as well. He thanked me for explaining that to him and I told him I never worried about him being respectful because he has always been a nice child regardless.

After explaining all that to my therapist she shocked me by saying it seems as though I was trying to force him to be a certain way so others would like him. She stated that he was too young to understand the concept of respect and that he would be going out into the world thinking that if he behaved differently people would not want to be around him. She also said that it sounded like I was only telling him that because I was worried about how people would look at me if he didn't act in a way I wanted him to. I was completely taken aback and I told her I was only answering his questions and that yes I want him to be respectful but I wouldn't force the issue on him. I told her that yes sometimes I do worry about how people view my parenting with my son but my intentions for telling him about respect was simply to answer his questions. She stuck to what she said and said that she can tell I'm a good mother but that I can't force my son to be a certain way just because I'm worried about how people will view him. When I tried to tell her that's not what I was trying to do she said we would discuss it at another time. I was pretty upset when I left our session and I started to feel bad for even having that discussion with my son. I thought I was doing a good thing by explaining that to my son when he asked me about it but after our session I wondered if it was a good thing.

Was I wrong in explaining what respect was to my son?

[getlykemc10]

Thanks so much ladies! Your words really made me feel a lot better :)

[persephonedemeter]

Sorry again, last sentence meant  no more waste of time spent on a damaging therapist and time to seach for a new one.

[persephonedemeter]

Good points and well said. if she continues to make an issue on this, where there is no problem, keeps tearing you down, and criticizing until she produces a litlle "Mini Me" version of herself out of her clients or a following of clients. It becomes a self serving relationship when that happens, and  there should be no  time to search for a better therapist.

[Crystal413]

There have been so many good comments here I have only one thing to add.
This is a new Therappist. I can tell usually tell by my 3rd visit whether or not we are going to make a good fit. I don't waste my time. I will try another until I know we click. There are some good therapist and really bad ones and then there are just so so ones. You are in need of a good therapist and are paying for a good therapist. Don't think you have to be stuck or obligated to a therapist that is not working for you. On another note, I've had a few really good therapist and I can honestly say they never had an off day with our appt. In my opinion if their not mentally well on a given day they should cancel the appt. Words that Therapist's can say to us can be not only damaging but some of us really take it to heart and it really bothers us. We don't need those kinds of therapist in our lives. They are there to help us, not add to our problems.

[getlykemc10]

She says she has children but they're older so maybe she's forgotten that kids ask questions like that all the time. It shocked me a bit when he asked me about respect, but I'm used to him asking me "out-of-the-blue" questions. I guess I expected the person that I'm seeing for therapy would tell me something that would make me feel better not worse.

[persephonedemeter]

Meant I also hope she had an off day.

[persephonedemeter]

I'm glad you aren't giving her words much power over you in this regard. I also he it was an "off day." I'm not sure what her experience is with children, but they can ask thought provoking questions at times. It may be she hasn't experienced a "wondering" child before. There are children who have an aptitude to think a little more philosophically on concepts and ideas, on a level like their first walk. She seemed to have forgotten that children are not cookiecutter...they are people who have unique minds.

[getlykemc10]

Thanks so much for your advice it made me feel so much better. I have no idea what made her come off and say those things. She's never said anything like that before so where it came from and why is beyond me. I'm hoping she was just having an off day. Thanks again

[persephonedemeter]

Also, I forgot to say that she also seems to be seeing a problem when there is none when you related what your son asked. That is why I think she has issues of her own that came up and that she is projecting it on to you. I don't know any parent or any one who hasn't thought one way or another that their children's behavior reflects on their parenting skills...and it doesn't sound like you are obsessing on appearances or how things reflect on you as far as your child is concerned.

[persephonedemeter]

You weren't wrong. Your therapist stepped over the line by projecting her own feelings onto you for some reason or another on her end. It sounds like she could use some therapy herself or be a little more therapeutic and objective. She was inappropriate giving you her opinion on childraising.

That happens. i usually call them on it, by saying that that is what I want to teach my son...to be respectful and tolerant, and whatever she wants to teach her own kids...well, that's up to her. If she can't accept that difference between the 2 of you, and she wants to criticize your values, then I don't see how it could possibly be a therapeutic relationship if she has no tolerance for the values of her clients, but she expects tolerance on her own thoughts.

The first thing that came to my head is that I wouldn't want to be around her or her family, but I certainly wouldn't mind be around you and yours. I would probably give her an ethical scenario for her to answer...such as if she came across a senior man who obviously has trouble getting around, poor and is blind, and $50 dropped to the ground from his pocket without his knowledge, and he was walking away...would she pick up the money and give it to him or would she pocket it, and think that is the way the cookie crumbles..what he doesn't know wouldn't hurt, and he probably wouldn't know a 50 from a dollar just by feel...and what if she had her son or daughter with her? Does she think her action would teach her children anything?

I think she is off left field thinking that values are something kids will just know for themselves. You son sounds like he is thinking and wants guidance from you. What does your therapist expect you to do...ignore your son's questions and tell him to watch tv, figure it out for himself, ask strangers or tell your son he is too young to think about things like that, so don't ask? Children are inquisitive, and they like to make sense out of the world. Values are learned, and usually, parents who take an active role in their children's lives,  like to influence their children and guide them to be social in one form or another so they can be well adjusted to the society they live in. I realize that is my opinion, but it is also from my observation. If she writes a book on how to raise children to be respectful without talking about it, and did some research to back it up, I would be interested in reading it...but if it's just opinion, she should keep it to herself rather than tell you how to raise your child. You love your child and she has absolutely no emotional investment on your son, so for me, her opinion doesn't have much weight in the matter...she is also technically a stranger, you don't know where she is coming from.

I've come across some  therapists where I wonder if they became therapists because they are so wounded and in need of help themselves. I cannot see how your therapist  was being therapeutic to you with what she said. It sounds like it triggered issues in herself..and you aren't being paid to be her therapist, so I wouldn't even explore that with her, unless she pays you for the session.