Meds have been changed yet again, stll not sleeping, feel like everything needs to change couldnt hardly sleep last night, today washed everything, rearranged entire room, took all my piercings out, colored my hair and still feelig manic, but exhausted....I dont know what to do...
Sorry to hear that. I see that you have ptsd, and that must be hard to deal with. I would prob go see a dr if I were you.
But thats kinda cool, you colored your hair when feeling manic. I did that once. Hey, its better than going out gettin wasted.
Thanks for responding. Sometimes its hard to deal with, figuring out my triggers has been the hardest part. Going back to the doctor tmro, hoepfully figure somthing out. I love coloring my hair. I like that I can change my appearance whenever I want...
Yep,,where did the hair thing come from? You sound a little "fast" thinking to me right now. (that's what I prefer to call hypomanic). Let us know what your doc says. By the way, if you leave the piercings out too long, you won't be able to put them back in,,,the voice of experience here!
How are things going for you now? I colored my hair when hypo-manic and made myself a red head! Soon as the hypomania was gone the hair color went with it. Wish I could tell you what to do, but besides going to see your pdoc and waiting until it passes I have no ideas.
Hi hun, hypomanic, is kind of a mild manic, more sort of physically high but still with the racing thoughts and other stuff! I do the hair thing too, and put loads of makeup on just to take it off again lol... changing meds is a bumpy road. My pdoc usually gives me short term sleeping pills if I'm not sleeping as for me sleep is the key to staying well x
I am 26 years old and now I need you to read this to the end lol. I find this sentence and your novel-long blog, BUT THIS IS BECAUSE I HAD THIS EXPERIENCE NEARLY WORD FOR WORD, EXACTLY. I was depressed all my life, but my manic symptoms started around age 16. I did not know then that this "mania" because I did not know anything about bipolar disorder and that it was a serious medical condition. I was ignorant and believed it was an excuse for people to be "moody" and make excuses. I did terrible things as the years went on. I went back and forth between the exact way you described here. I couldn't get out of bed, I couldn't enjoy even the things I loved and was passionate about. This inability to feel joy at all is called anhedonia; look it up. I would have bouts of almost normal feelings, or what would appear normal to others, but deep down I knew something was wrong with me (unless I was feeling pathetic and guilty and weak). I thought I was immature and whiny and just didn't know how to take responsibility. My husband (I married very early) became less and less patient with me, and so did everyone else. They began to grow tired and felt that I was just living the "misery loves company" life and that it was my my own fault I didn't change because I could if I wanted to. I had no confidence and I hated myself. But around age 22 I had almost an overnight change. I felt confident, more conceited than ever. I thought I was so much more intelligent than everyone else because they were so clueless and sheltered because of their perfect charming lives. That I had overcome such awful pain that they had no idea of, and that I was so superior for not being them- they were empty, pathetic, ignorant people who wouldn't last a day if what I went through what I did. They didn't know real depth, their conversations were so silly and trivial, and their manners prohibited any real conversations and that fake existence was repulsive to me. I told people how stupid they were, that their obliviousness was why they were so joyful and confident people with their comfortable hope, but that they didn't deserve it; they were empty shells and they didn't deserve it because they'd never been tested- not really tested by pain, and they didn't deserve their happiness. I began getting passionate, but not in a normal good way, it was excessive and almost crazy like. People would look at me and kinda roll their eyes by the exaggeration and high-like hyperness. This made me furious. People didn't appreciate how unique I was, how awesome and better than them I was. I never once did drugs- I was adamant about that and for that I am proud because it is VERY common for bipolars who have not been diagnosed or incorrectly diagnosed to lose all hope and resort to street drugs. But what I did begin doing, was something I am haunted by to this day. I slept with every man I came into contact with. People thought I was a nymphomaniac (and I was sexually abused when I was younger, but this was NOT relevant, I know that, I got help right away and I did recover and went back to what at that time was "normal" for us bipolars) but I since I knew it was unrelated I defended my behavior and told people I was "free" for not giving into uptight conventional society. As I said, this started at age 22, and only grew worse as time passed. I did seek help, and I was diagnosed with every disorder you can imagine - Obsessive compulsive disorder (and I had very serious OCD symptoms start at age 16, taking crazy-long showers, even for 2-3 hours at a time) also ADD, Anxiety disorder, panic attack disorder for my panic attacks, ADD, dysthymia and agoraphobia (because I would not leave my house during the depressive episodes), and even borderline personality disorder with narcissistic traits during a manic episode with a therapist. I takes an average of 10 YEARS for a bipolar to correctly diagnosed because the doctors witness whatever episode your having when you're with them. That's all they see, and that's what they will go by. You desperately want to cover everything, because you feel this session is so important and you just can't leave anything out, but you can't. There's not enough time, and sometimes they will not ask the right questions.
I was diagnosed finally only LAST YEAR after my FIRST session with the therapist I see now (and will be grateful to for the rest of my life). She asked me the right questions, and I was happy because I didn't have to try to organize it all in my head and try to get it all out at once, and have the doc interrupt me and tell me to "slow down". She made it easy, and when she told me she thought I had bipolar disorder, I was shocked. It was the last thing I expected. But she told me what it really is, and I cried. I cried so hard because she was describing everything I'd been through, and I felt hope again (because I also grew suicidal during the years of seeking help and not getting a right answer). I also need to tell you, and this is VERY important- the drugs they will put you on for every condition you wrongly get diagnosed you with will increase your mania. It will seem to improve at first if you're in depressive episode, but once the switch to manic episode happens you lose your friggin' mind. You get so irritable, mean, your depression gets worse than you ever have experienced already, and this is because our brain chemicals change abnormally all the time; it's not our fault and there is no cure- but these wrong meds are designed for a type of brain chemistry, for depression, for anxiety, etc. and that is why they will work on a person with a normal brain whose chemicals are only temporarily one way or the other. If your brain is stable, then the meds are stably treating you once the trial and error phase ends. Not for us. You will get so bad your family will accuse you of being on crack or become so upset that you are doing this to yourself by not stopping the meds and trying not to give up. You won't know what is wrong with you and you will be terrified by it, and if it continues, your suicide thoughts become real. You will do it if you never get the chance to finally get the right person to diagnose you and put you on mood stabilizers. I get angry at people who say psychology is crap because of meds not working, and people getting side effects that they should just stop taking them and deal with their issues. These people are the real ignorant ones. They will NEVER understand what we go through, because they have the luxury of not having to. They are allowed to be convinced of what they say since it's true for them, and if it's true for them, everyone else is just weak. Some people though will try to be compassionate, your family and friends - if you still have and have not lost them because of what your symptoms made you do. This is what happened to me. It cost me my marriage and my best friend of 15 years. The medication has changed my life. Once I was on the right dose I felt the change, it was no mistake- I found my answer; after years of hell, I found my answer. I felt so happy and have since. I still get angry when talk **** about how meds make people suicidal and it's their fault, but I know that t's when medication is used INCORRECTLY that this happens; whether it's abused or done with good, legitimate effort the wrong meds can kill you from what they do to you.What frightens and upsets me though, is that if I had committed suicide, it would just have discredited psychology and medication more. I would have become another statistic of "may cause suicide" on those commercials that list the side effects. People who meet me now would not believe or recognize me even one year ago. I was diagnosed on Nov 23rd. I couldn't get in to see a psychiatrist 'till Jan, but again- It changed my life, and it made me proud of what I suffered though but endured because of my strength and will to live.It might sound arrogant lol and "manic" but no, I think people who have been able to survive this should be proud, not ashamed. People are given respect or even admiraiton when an alcoholic quits drinking or someone quits smoking, gets over a divorce, etc.But just so you can prepare yourself- there is a social stigma with mood disorders, and you will probably lots of people who will not ever recognize what you've had to live through and overcome. people did say I was crazy, but would dismiss it like I didn't matter. NOW, this is also VERY important:
I know these symptoms have not reached you yet. You may think this is too extreme and I am not right. And you're right, I might not be. But if I am right, and I am, please remember what you've read. If I am right you will start to grow worse around 20 or 21 because that's the normal age for bipolar symptoms reach their peak- and if you DO start to notice these feelings, please PLEASE do not dismiss the possibility. If you are bipolar and get help before however, you may not have to experience these terrible things, these awful acts that will stay with you forever, because even though it was not my fault that I did those disgusting things, they still happened and that won't be forgotten. It's messed up and sad, but it's the truth, nothing can be erased. If you start taking medication and you notice you start feeling odd after some time, even if it worked initially (for me it took around 4 months before the mania kicked in) keep track of your moods before you're too messed up to function at all. Again, I do not have a degree, but I would not feel right if I did not share this with you. I sincerely hope that I'm wrong and that you can get better, but bipolar disorder is permanent, and you HAVE to be on mood stabilizers to live a normal life. During really bad times, your episodes may start to come out again- but it will minor, not nearly as severe. Trust me. Bipolars that stop taking their meds (most of the ones that do stop do it because they miss the "high" they felt when manic, but I think they try to remember the crash that will inevitably come and sent them back into that depression only we know.) Bipolar depression is not clinical depression- make sure your family knows that too; they may have been depressed before, but they will not feel what we feel naturally. It's so unfair, but even though we didn't ask for this, we go through it without having to shoot something into our arms or snorting something up our nose; normal people who do drugs will have a terrible "crash" and it can feel like ours, but their's is temporary, it will end after their chemicals stabilize again. Unless of course, they abuse to the point that they're junkies. We were born with this, and those of us who do make the choice- the actual choice that others could make to not drink or use drugs- will not be appreciated for this.Most of us won't be recognized or given credit, since people who are healthy understand alcoholism or drug abuse, but they won't ever understand us. Junkies that recover will be give credit and a pat on the back, and usually won't. I don't want to upset you, I don't want to poison you with bitterness or anything of the sort, but if are bipolar I want you to be PREPARED for the worst. What unfortunately may be reality for you sometimes. I hope this will help you, whether it rules out bipolar disorder for you, or helps you and your doctor weed it out. Another important thing I want to mention is that I am Bipolar II, which is different from Bipolar I. What you described and what I experienced are Bipolar II symptoms. Bipolar I can have psychotic episodes (some that seem like schizophrenia) but a Bipolar II will not. Our episodes are less severe than Bipolar I's, and that is very important to know when considering it as a diagnosis.
Again, I sincerely wish you the best. <3 Take care.
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