Getting help for a loved one

[Sorjourner]

My wife displays all the symptoms of a personality disorder and her destructive, abusive behavior is taking a heavy toll on our marriage. We've been in and out of marriage counseling sessions and we have even attended individual one-on-one counseling with different therapists, but all with little to no success in terms of making a breakthrough. My therapist thinks it is possible my wife suffers from BD, but assures me that her therapist will recognize it during their sessions together. And then my wife suddenly quit going to counseling. She's euphoric and acting like there's nothing wrong with the world. Our marriage is perfect. My therapist refuses to see us as a couple (understandably) and suggested that my wife must chose our next marriage counselor, but my wife sees no point in it, adding that she doesn't trust "any of them."
My therapist suggests I have to be prepared to move out, but with a teenage daughter at home, I really don't want to. I love my wife, but whatever this mental affliction is, it's killing me -- it's killing our marriage. How do I get her to accept the fact that she needs help? I know just me saying "you need help" would go over like a lead balloon. Would moving out really help? Would that be a catalyst for her to seek professional help?

[Crystal413]

I really sympathize with you. It is difficult to help someone that does not see anything wrong with them. Perhaps she's in denial. Maybe she knows something is wrong but afraid to admit it.

I understand you don't want to leave and that this is extremely difficult to go through.

She really needs to see a pscychiatrist!! And she really needs to continue Therapy! Try to convince her how much you love her and that you will be there for her to help her through this. Maybe writing her a letter showing support and pointing out (not blaming) the things you are wittinessing about her will help her to look deep inside herself and realize that she does need help.  Maybe just seeing it on paper, since you voicing your opinion verbally does not help, will help her to see things the way they really are. Another thing you can do is look on line for a simplified version of explaining what BD is, what the symptoms are and what to do about it.

Last resort. I understand how badly you want to keep your family together but if her actions and behaviors are hurting you and your daughter I would suggest you give her an ultimatum. She either goes to a pscychiatrist and finds another Therapist or that you and your daughter will have to leave. That you and your daughter just cannot live like this anymore. I know this is sad but I just don't see any other way.

If she is willing to get help and is diagnoised with BD then I would help her find a Therapist that specializes in people with BD.

Without a doubt this is also affecting your daughter and you both need to protect yourselves. This situation can have some permanent damage done to your daughter. Trust me on that.

I wish all the best,
Crystal

[Sorjourner]

Thank you.