How difficult life is if your spouse has Bipolar disorder and how to make it work?

[MM790]

I just got to know my fiance has bipolar disorder(he mentioned a bit to me before but I didn't know how bad it really is until he had a relapse recently). His first time was 16 years ago and he had been very good for 9 years and then had another when some things happened, and then another after 4 years when he was over stressed by many things. And now he just had one after another 3 years. My fiance is very intelligent, kindhearted and very loving person but when he had the relapse he was totally not himself. I love him very much and he loves me very much. He didn't sleep much when he had the relapse but I was happen not to be around at the time. He was not even able to talk to me on phone. His parents said he was acting pretty bad(abnormal and violent) and that he couldn't calm down to sleep at all. I thought maybe I could have calmed him down to sleep and to take medicine with me being there with him personally since we love each other that much. But his parents said he might have not known me and could have been the same voilent as well as he was totally not himself. So do you think that if he would be violent to me if he got into the situation even though he loves me that much?  Do you think if it would calm him down if I being as some one he loves could be there comforting him? Or it doesn't make any difference? The relapses my fiance had get closer from look(occured from in 9 years to 4 to 3). Would it get better/controlled by us taking some joint efforts/precautions? Or it just gets worse as one ages? This is such a new situation to me and I really have no clue on what to do. I would appreciate if anyone could fill in any of your suggestions/opinions. Thank you very much!!

[cowgirlnerd]

Bulldozer:

I am glad you are feeling better - my AD had that affect on me, too.  That with my Adderall XR - made my psychotic.  With my stablization on Lamictal it's life changing.  Glad to know you are good.

MM790:

All of these are good points.  I think you can look at some good remedies but caution about using herbal treatments in conjunction with prescription medications.  At times, they can adversely affect or alter the effectiveness of prescription medications.  Before adding anything to the drug cocktail (sorry - but that's what a lot of us call it), talk to the pdoc.  Good diet, sleeping structure, exercise, and stability are key to being stable - but I am a firm believer that the only things that are going to make you truly stable are proper meds and a good pdoc and therapist.  

Be informed - be informed.

Kisses!

[bernie40]

Hi, forgive me if this message is a little jilted as I have only just woken up!

I've had a fair few relapses over the last 17 years, major ones probably about 5 but only because I wasn't on any medication.  Hypomania is not as severe as full blown mania and I tend to err more towards the depressive end of the spectrum and that is something that I have been battling since I was 15.

My last relapse was by far the biggy and I'm not yet 100%, medication is helping but its finding the right balance and right dosages but I try and remain positive.

I've removed as many triggers as its possible to do and my husband now understands that if I require extra sleep to leave me to it and that I'm not being lazy its my body's way of coping.  When i'm not sleeping he does try and calmly talk me down although to little avail.

He never directly confronts me when I am in a manic or hypmanic state, calming suggestions tend not to get a bad reaction from me - again though they usually fall on my deaf ears.

I don't see my husband as a carer so much, he is here a lot mainly because we have 4 children who need caring for.  These past 3 years have been the first time he has actively had to stay off work for long periods.  We are partners, rather than care giver and patient - we are equals.  He does not judge me when things go pear shaped, I'm not saying he doesn't get frustrated because of course he is only human.

The behaviour you have described in your bf would be frightening, however, if you can get a good therapist/psych who is willing to listen to you when you see signs of him heading in this direction then that would help enormously.  Also the key is recognizing the signs before things get to the bad stage in order to prevent them.

I know little about Chinese herbal treatment and would therefore not dismiss it out of hand.  I have tried a more natural route by using diet, omega 3 and B vitamins, although they did help my overall health I can't say they were enough to control the mood swings.  I have now accepted that prescription medication is the only sure fire way of helping me live a normal life, especially as I have to think of those around me as well - its isn't all about me ;-)

I hope some of this made sense.

To cowgirlnerd - thanks so much for your concern, I have been taken off the AD which I had been on for a fortnight as this was more than likely the reason for my sheer rage at the time and I am feeling a lot calmer, I do have anger issues anyway but I don't usually lose it like that, the AD sent me in to a mixed state and exacerbated the existing irritability/anger.  Seems like it happened to someone else now ;-)

[MM790]

Thank you very much everyone for your thoughts and input!! They really help me a lot in clearing my head(I could have got into BPD if I didn't get on here and talk to you guys :-D). therese83, thank you for sharing your stories and your thought. cowgirlnerd, I sent replies to your message box. bulldozer, thank you for yours as well. I wonder that if the BP has passed on to your children? In your case, how many relapse did you have in 17 years after you got married? How many times have you ever had? What do you mean you're still not where you want to be after the last relapse?

So everyone in your opinions, what I could do to be a better supportive partner to my finace but not ending up to be a caregiver?

Funny that like you said lots of 'normal' people could be 100 times worse than the BPs in many ways. My fiance has been a very loving and caring boyfriend/fiance to me since we started to see each other 3 years ago. I have not seen him being manic and it's still hard for me to put the behaviors he had during his days that his parent described to me on him as who he is. One concern is that he is much bigger than me and being a man, if he didn't recognize me when getting into a situation I wouldn't know what I could do to protect him or myself. In this case I wish I were the one who has the problem. It would be better probably :-D  Do you have any idea how my fiance and I could control any possible situation might come up better?

By the way, for the side effects of the medication, how could you control/reduce that? I've been doing some research on some Chinese herbal medicine for BP. I'm always a big fan on herbal remedies due to the side effects. My dad is a Chinese doctor but I couldn't talk with him on this as he's trying to convince me into giving up this relationship but the good thing is that my brother and sister in law are very supportive of me. I found something in Chinese herbal treatment which has been tested being very effective in controling BP in China. Do you know if there's any organization/lab/university in the States that I could talk to to see if they would take the effort to test this herbal thing? Or you think I'm just being stupid to try?

Well thanks again to everyone. Wish you all the best!!

[azalea82]

"All the 4 episodes he have ever had in the past 16 years was when there was a big life change/stress. From this aspect, what do you think I could do more help besides monitoring subtle changes and being supportive?"

You could try to minimize stress, but this may or may not be realistic.  In addition, you can learn about bipolar (this forum is great!), learn about the treatments as well as potential side effects.  

[cowgirlnerd]

We should make the banks give US a mental declaration before we open a bank account - at least we know what OUR issues are!  LOL

I got out of banking because I just couldn't stand to see it go in the direction I saw happening.  I had one of the WORST bosses that was just a greedy bastage.  ANYWAY, I am happier doing what I do now.

You are right about divorce rates - I got divorced because we had problems and I couldn't deal with them because of my BP.  My being stable and MATURITY has helped a lot.  Most people don't get the benefit of tracing every action like we do - or is that a benefit??  LOL  Anyway, divorce is pretty prevelant anywhere, but I would assume that BP's have a high rate, as well.

Glad to see you in good spirits!  I was worried about you recently!  (your recent post)

Rach

[bernie40]

The banks are just plain greedy! LOL!

Divorce rates are high full stop - so the instance with regard to BP doesn't really surprise me - what are the current figures for divorce in general, is it 2 out of 3 marriages now?  I'm not sure on that so don't anyone shoot me down in flames if I'm wrong!

Just as long as we don't have to start making mental declarations before getting bank accounts........

:-)

[therese83]

My fathers first breakdown was because he took his work too seriously and could not delegate any resposibility.  (which came first the chicken or the egg?)  maybe that was part of the illness.  Then the night time foreman at his work place left so he worked day and night for six weeks.  Only coming home for breakfast and sleeping at the weekends.  My mother could not stop him.  Then he went dillusional, hearing voices, messages from God and the Universe etc..  The only other time he relapsed was when he felt he didnt need medication.  He was locked away in a psychiatric unit both times for six weeks ECT + drugs.  I remember not being allowed to see him in those days, my Mom told me later he didnt recognise her and was very violent.  The second time he escaped + our house was surrounded by Police till they found him.  

My sister inherited it (milder) paranoid + very strong mood swings, she has been hospitalised once, we had to force her/commit her after her baby was born.  She does not take medication and is very much in denial.
My brother is a great Man even though he never had a good 'male role model'
My older sister is very over weight + I am doing very well.  I suffer from depression in recent years but it is well controlled and I live a very full and happy life.  Happily married succesful career lovely kids.

None of us believe in God, that is for sure.  Our children (his grand children) love him very much.  He is a nice grandfather and handles that well.  He enjoys their company without the responsibility.  

Good luck, you are taking on a lot.  Maybe you can find support and that will help you.  Also his family sound supportive and that will help you a lot if you decide to go on with him.  

You know other people (who are not ill) can be worse, I mean they can appear normal, but be unfaithful, dishonest or nasty.  You have to weigh it up.  I would say it depends how violent he gets, that is a big consideration.

[cowgirlnerd]

I got divorced during a severe psychotic manic episode.  I had one occurence (it was a rough relationship at the time) that set me off and there was NO talking me down from it.

Luckily, my exhusband (divorced 5 years) and I have gotten to know each other through the divorced years (we have known each other over 11 years and were married for 5), and as he has watched me recover and get stable, we really like each other now.  We are being careful, but we are seriously considering reconciling after all of these years - not marriage (at least for a long time) but having a life together - maybe shacking up LOL.  We are being even more careful because we have a child together.  It's the first time in my life that I am able to fully see a relationship.  Not in spurts of reality - that's next to impossible to maintain a relationship.  BUT, with being stable, we might just get lucky.

It's important to have the support of someone close to you and you trust them, but you have to get the help and feel as if you have recovered yourself - at least in my case - for your self esteem.  The guilt from the BP can eat you alive.  

Too funny on the BP banks!  I was a banker for 20 years, and trust me, we (bp's) are tame compared to some people I worked with/for.   :)

[moonblue]

you are lucky ..90% of BP's are divorced....still when one can  do 90k on credit cards whos fault is it...are the banks bi polar?

[bernie40]

Hi,  Every person is very different in how they present with BP symptoms.  I am lucky that my husband has stood by me for the last 17 years, his is a very caring and good natured man and says that he enjoys my hypomania - though not the excessive spending that goes with it.  He worries when I am out of control with severe irritability and anger and when I am very depressed.

We have gone through a major learning curve together.  Having medication has helped stop the extreme swings in mood to a point.  When hypomanic I don't listen to anyone's advice (this is usually when I'm heading toward mania rather than hypomania).

My children (like moonblues) think I'm fun when I'm hypomanic but are caring and accepting when I have days where I don't function at all.  

The anger/violence side of it is the hardest - its the hardest thing for those around you and the hardest thing for me.  I am continuing to work with my psychiatrist not just with medication but also with therapy as well so that I can learn to recognise triggers and symptoms well in advance.

By the sounds of it both you and your boyfriend would work well together in living with BP.  Once you are aware of triggers (ie, life changes like you have mentioned) you are better able to prepare for them.  

With regards to whether or not BP gets worse as we get older, I do not know the official research on this but know from my own experience that the relapses came closer together and were far more long lasting.  Its almost 3 years since my last relapse and I'm still not where I want to be.

The biggest mistake is to stop medication when you feel better.  Your boyfriend needs to stay on medication, once a relapse has passed a maintenance dose of medication is still required.

All the best to you, you sound like a really nice person.

[cowgirlnerd]

I put my message in a reply to your question to me.  Let me now your thoughts, please.

[moonblue]

I think every case is different..my wife threw me out after my second hypomanic phase ..but my kids still love me and can't see why she did that..they think i am funny and a bit moody but they think the highs when i am full of fun and ideas and energy balance out the lows where i stay in bed all day..if you love him its ok ..it will be an interesting life thats for sure

[MM790]

Thank you therese83 for sharing! Your mom must have been a really great and loving wife. And I'm sure that your(and your bros&siss) support must have been helped a lot as well(as from I see you being here is part of it). In my case, it could be said either simple or complicated. My fiance is one of the kindest and most caring people in this world. He always find his way to help others out(people, animal or plants). And he's one of the most loving people I have ever met (his family and friends think the same too). The first time when he got sick was 16 years ago when he was 18(he was graduating from high school, getting apart from friends and family to college, having problem with the relationship he had back then). Then he went 9 years without any problem till when he was graduating from grad school for his master degree(there were some big life changes again). He then had been very successful at work for nearly 5 years. He broke down again for the 3rd time when facing some big life changes. He has done very good to get through it each time(it usually took a week or 2 for him to get well again). I'm very proud of him on this. I love him very very much and he loves me the same as well. But this situation is totally new to me. I think I'm just too worried about him. And my family is very worried about me as well. I'm finding my way to talk to as many people who have been there as possible to get myself prepared for all the possible situations so I could do better in helping my fiance. I've been reading tons of articles on it as well. Sounds like in your dad's case, his disease didn't pass on to any of you 4 as his children, which I think it's great. Would you be able to tell me more about the 2 majors breakdowns of your dad please? Was the one from overloaded stress/responsibility the very first one he got into? What he was like during a breakdown? How long did they last? My fiance was sleepless, having delusions, and got very emotional at a time or quite manic in behaviors. Thank you therse83, and I wish your dad's situation gets better soon!

[therese83]

My Dad was so bad in the beginning he was diagnosed with schizophrenia and this was later revised to Bipolar disorder.

He has two major 'breakdowns' the first one from stress and resposiblility at work overload.  the second when trying to live without medication three years later.
In the last 40 years my Dad has not really relapsed.  When signs are coming he goes back to the Doctor for re-evaluation and change of medication.  Then again he has had completely no stress in his life.
He was recently taken off lamictal and that has led to his recent aggressions.
He has always had mood swings and been irritable.  Maybe your fiance is not like that?
He never really matured beyond when he first got sick.  We are four children in our 40's and we are more mature than him.  We are all carers in our careers because we had to take care of our Dad I guess.
He could never return to work as he would start heaving with nerves and just couldnt make it.  The stress of anything like that was likely to bring on a relapse.
So he just does nothing, drinks tea all day.  He has diabetes now and symptoms of parkinsons from the life long medication.
Yes he was a good enough Dad, but I was always scared of him and he has definately gotten worse with age.  My mother is pretty worn out, she is very Catholic which is why she stayed all along.  He is controling of her.  He worries about every little thing but is very selfish and unable to accomodate other people.
But your man could be very different.
My Dad was also very artistic and creative, funny, but we dont see much of that now.  He has been very drugged up and it is hard to get the balance right between medication overdose and keeping him calm.
Things are better nowdays and care is better.  He also had a lot of elctric shock in the first years which could have had effect, but was the only thing that worked at the time.

[MM790]

Hi therese83, thank you for thoughts as well. Firstly I'm sorry for that of your dad's. Would you tell me more about his situation please if you would like to? How frequently does your dad have the relapse in the past 40 years? What is the reason that has kept him from working since he was 26? Is he a very caring and loving dad and husband when he's not sick? Pardon if these questions are hard for one to answer. But I would really appreciate if you could let me know more. Thank you!!

[MM790]

Thank you very much again azalea82! I didn't have much knowledge about this disease and situation. I feel more positive after reading your inputs. I talked to my fiance's family a lot lately and got to know more about his condition. He's always been a very kind and loving person . He's very gifted in many ways and more intelligent than average since he was a kid. And he's very good and successful on whatever he does(on both academic and work). All the 4 episodes he have ever had in the past 16 years was when there was a big life change/stress. From this aspect, what do you think I could do more help besides monitoring subtle changes and being supportive?

Thanks a lot again!!

[therese83]

This is a more pessimistic view, sorry, but it is a truth.
My mother has lived her whole life with such a man.  My father has been on medication for 40 years.

When he is psychotic she cannot help him/calm him down.

He is bad at the moment and is very aggresive towards her  to the extent that she may have yo leave her home, which she worked hard for =he hasnt worked since aged26.

I would not wish my mothers life on any one and because of his illness all love is gone and she sees herself as his full time carer.

For us children growing up was far from easy.  For me it has led to problems as I had a lot of fear.

[azalea82]

Although this may be difficult to accept, it's possible that you might not have been able to calm him.  During manic episodes, the person can be completely out of touch with reality.  Of course, it's also possible that you might have comforted him.  More importantly, you might have noticed the subtle beginning of the episode and encouraged him to make an appointment with his doctor ASAP.  The long-term prognosis differs from person to person.  Some people relapse more frequently, while others go decades without an episode.  A positive attitude, a good psychiatrist, and a strong support system are certainly contribute to success.  Your fiance is lucky to have someone who cares!

[MM790]

Thank you very much for your input! Do you think if I could have calmed him down if I being as some one he loves had been there comforting him? Or it doesn't make any difference(I was in another continent when it happened)? Does relapse get more frequently as one ages or it could be controled well if both of us have very postive attitude by taking proper treatment plan? Thanks again!!

[azalea82]

Bipolar disorder can be treated effectively, but cannot be cured.  As you know, your fiance does well in between mood episodes.  If he wants you to be involved in his treatment plan, you can make sure he is taking his medications as prescribed and monitor for mood changes.  If you notice a change in mood, encourage your fiance to make an appointment with his doctor as his medications may need adjusting.  There are currently many effective mood stabilizers to help manage bipolar disorder and new medications are in development.