Husband Feels Neglected

[cgoehring78]

My husband feels neglected and is blaming it on the time I spend on "family functions" with my mom and my sister's family. We do celebrate each person's birthday (there is a total of 7-12 birthday celebrations per year), Catholic rites of passage for the two boys, Mother's Day, and the major Holidays - Christmas and Thanksgiving. This year my oldest nephew graduated from high school, and over the years I attended several of the kids' soccer games, carnivals, book fairs, etc. We don't have aunts or uncles or cousins here, we don't get together for barbecues, my sister and I never hang out together, but I do make time to go to my mom's at least once a week to help her with her computer and electronic things around the house. She was diagnosed with breast cancer last December so my sister, Godmother, Mom's neighbors and friends all took turns taking her to her surgery and radiation appointments. Sometimes I go to the theater with my mom, etc. She's 82 years old and slightly handicapped with a very big house. Mom lives 20 minutes away from me, my sister lives 45 minutes away. We always go to my sister's house for functions because she has the biggest house and she knows how to cook and host a party. They have been very gracious about it. My husband rarely offers to help when we go there, he never helps shop for birthday gifts or cards, he complains before every "function," always reminds me that he doesn't want to stay late (we've been married 27 years, you'd think I would know by now), and then proceeds to have the most fun while he's there and want to stay the latest with me trying to get him to go home.

Since my diagnosis and the beginning of my meds regimen, I have been unable to function properly mentally and can't find a way to keep up domestically. My husband blames this on my attending too many of the above functions and not having enough energy to clean up after him and make sure he has a clean bowl for his cereal in the morning and wipe up when he spills something. The fact is, I think he's grown up enough (he's 66) to clean up after himself. If you spill juice on the counter, you don't leave it there to get sticky - you wipe it up. If you spill coffee grounds in a white sink, you don't leave them there to stain the sink, you rinse them down the drain.

I'm starting to resent him. Who wants to clean up after someone you resent? How can I explain to him that I can barely support myself, let alone support the two of us?

Should I stop attending "family functions" so I have more time to clean up after hubby? He doesn't want me to have more time for us to spend together or to go somewhere or watch a movie or something, he's resentful of the family because I'm not there to take care of him. I don't work, he works as a school bus driver and plays in a band at night on some weekends. I lost my job 2 years ago due to my illness, and just had to resign a part-time job last week.

Help.

[cgoehring78]

Thank you all for your advice and kind help. I am still learning how to work with my illness and my husband. It's a daily challenge. If I could remember that I am not responsible for my husband's happiness, it would sure help.

I won't give up my family, but I will continue to pray for my loved ones, all of them, and count my blessings while I have them!

Thank you again. I'm always open for more advice and suggestions.

Cindy

[Jessimot]

I completely understand where you're coming from. It is frustrating when your husband would rather stare at all the dirty clothes instead of throwing a load in the wash. I have three kids 10,7,4. When I'm down and low I have absolutely no energy or desire to do anything. Even taking a shower is a huge effort. I do enlist my kids to help with dusting and cleaning their rooms, but the rest is up to me. My husband will occasionally do the dishes, and tidy up, but when i'm down he doesn't do a thing almost out of spite. So when  i'm down I try to do at least one thing like the dishes or throw in a load of clothes. It can take me up to an hour to do it, but i do it and feel better.

Socially i think it's great that you're getting out to do stuff it's so important for a healthy mind to be able to interact. I think that the only thing you can do is continue to try to involve your husband in all the things you do. I don't think you should have to give up your social calendar he should be on board more!

[zzzmykids]

Hi, it is my husbands side that has a big family and I love it. My parents were only children and I only have a brother/his family and a sister/her family, so I like the bigger family aspect.

Here's a hint for you. Our kids would leave stuff all around...I didn't pick up their rooms they did that, I closed the door....that's why God made doors on their rooms.
Ok, the HINT, the stuff around the house including the cereal bowls and milk glasses, well I changed it around and by the time they got home I was happy with them instead of being in a bad mood. When I found an item, whosever it was I thanked God for giving me the opportunity to pray for that person and to be thankful for the gift God gave me in them.  It is all in your attitude.

Mine are grown now and my husband pretty much is organized so there is not much reminding. I would like some reminding.  Good luck.
zzzmykids

[cgoehring78]

P.S. He did attend the NAMI Family to Family class several years ago. It helped tremendously.

[cgoehring78]

Thank you for your answer. I've had that feeling ever since we got married. He has a hard time understanding that. I'm trying to get him to go to a Christian counselor - any counselor would be good - he sees a VA psychiatrist who just prescribes and refills meds - but he is resistant, saying he has seen several in the past (he has, a long time ago) and doesn't have enough time...he's too busy working and we're trying to move out of our old trailer into our new condo. He has also had to take on our financial obligations, like paying bills, etc., since I definitely can't do that, and cooks most of his meals. He has no support system, no male friends he goes out with, no male-oriented activities. I've tried for years to encourage his growth in this area, but to no avail. And he complains about everything all the time! Argh! I live in a constantly stress-filled environment. No wonder my meds don't work.

[ILADVOCATE]

Attending family functions is part of your life as well as everyone who has a family and he should not try to take that away from you. What he is doing sounds emotionally controlling and unhealthy. It might be worthwhile to go to family therapy so that you could discuss what might be some healthier coping strategies and how to approach things. He needs to understand more what is going on with you. NAMI friend and family support groups can be helpful as well.