Hypersexuality and Marriage

[BeeKeeper]

I had replied to a much earlier post kind involving hypersexuality and mania...but trying to have commited relationships when you exhibit any of the behaviors while in manic or hypomanic state...can be rough.  In regards to hypersxuality, i had some questions trying to take not only my own thoughts but a spouses point of view and questions that may come to both minds.

How does your spouse or sinifigant other handle this aspect of your disorder?

If you have gone outside the marriage for physical or close emotional connections when in a hypomanic or depressed state, what do they do?  what if this has happened a couple times over the last ten years?

What if the situation is that you feel so disgusted with yourself and your actions afterwards that it puts you into a suicidal state...how are they suppose to deal with that?

What if you are so ashamed, disgusted with your self, that you can not interact physically with your spouse/significant other with out feeling the guilt...what are they to do?

What if you've tried marriage counseling before you were diagnosed with BP (or even after) and you are so trying to deal with your BP problems..and this issue obviously bleeds into that...that you know you are not helping your partner...what are they to do?

What if you raised very religiously and religion is still a big part of your spouses life...but you can't "feel" it anymore because you are so ashamed...and in the relious world you are condemmed...so you can't even forgive yourself (cycle, cycle, cycle).  What is your partner to do?

I agree with some of the suggestions i've read on here in the past...locking myself away sounds perfect...problem is i have the key to let myself out, and then there's the internet.

I know, a lot of what if's...just curious about others feeling in regards to how their partners have reacted...and where do go with a relationship once you can no longer trust who you are or what you believed about yourself?

[bugs87]

You are absolutely right - the big complication here is that he is my doctor??? Okay - well I will just have to get help and make sure I go in and out really quickly with my checkup! Life can be really complicated and you are right, it's the self management that takes it out of you at times.
Thanks for the advice ;-)

[lindahand]

I would go to the psychiatrist and see a therapist on an urgent basis before you head into mania and then really do something undoable. If you truly love your husband you will do that because it may be the difference between keeping him or not. Many people can forgive a 'slip', even learn to trust again, two is awfully hard. I haven't heard of many marriages surviving serial cheating.

And I would do anything possible to stay away from that man. If he walks into a room - you walk out of it. If he starts to engage in conversation, you find a co-worker to join in, or make some dumb excuse as to why you have to leave. Better him to think you are a jerk or aloof, than to end up cheating.

You know you are vulnerable so you have to do everything in your control to minimize contact with the trigger. It is similar to someone who knows they drink too much when hypomanic avoiding going to the bar.

Do you have a girlfriend you can confide in? That may help.

Self management is hard work sometimes, and it isn't fair we have to do it,
in so many ways, but we do. Especially if we love our husbands.  

Good luck. I hope you make it. A good man is really hard to find.

[bugs87]

I find that I am most vulnerable when I am hypersexual and a man pays attention to me. I usually can manage it and build a wall except during this time - I start the sexual thoughts... I love my husband more than anything. Our sex life has ALWAYS been our weak point though. I strayed once and never want a repeat of that. There is a man who is showing an interest in me and I am feeling terrible even though nothing has happened. I find myself going on to the porn sites and feeling terribly frustrated in fact it's pretty much a lot of what I think about... I am terrified I am on the up. I am not seeing a therapist at the moment and don't want to discuss it with my husband as he is a very jealous man and wouldn't take it well. What do I do?? I am not having other symptoms but the sexual side is all consuming and very unusual - it comes up in my conversation too! I think I'm in trouble!

[GeorgiaAnnie]

Let go of the shame.
It is of no help.
Accept yourself, and make adjustments to improve your lot...

Had to do it myself, Ann

[LeftCoastChick]

I'm extremely concerned about you. You need to so your pdoc right away. Remind yourself, if you read the Bible correctly, it is You that needs to forgive NOT God. God has given YOU freewill, what you do with it is completely up to you.  You have to the place, the means and the time, what may be the case is, you aren't willing maybe? Being hypersexual can be managed like other parts of mania and hypomania without being "gelded".

If you have strayed outside you marriage in the literal form, you need to get yourself tested for STD's, you put your partner at risk any time you stray.I hate to say it, but your mind is being deluded and is irrational because of your depression.  When you get on or have your meds upped or changed, you will look in hindsight how your thought processes were so off.

You are in my thoughts and prayers that you will get the help and find the courage to fight the battle. I know you can.

[therese83]

You sound very depressed and i am very concerned about you.

If you were stable you would not be thinking like this, the guilt the going over and over the past.

We all have a past and we have all done things to upset others.  You are dwelling on it.  Your wife has forgiven you.  I think you are ruminating and you need to get back to your doctor fast.

Please talk to your doctor

[zzzmykids]

I believe that hypersexuality is a rush, an addiction.  Have you talked to your psych about this? If you are seeing a gp for meds, big mistake.  It landed me in the hospital.   As a female you don't think I could understand.  I do. I stole from my life, self gratification for over forty years.  No never outside of the marriage, but time was taken away from who I can and could be.  Outside the marriage bed you tarnish the intimacy level maybe not the gratification but you lose what you could have with your wife.  As bipolar you have enough unrealistic guilt you do not need any real!  I will tell you Effexor can temper and squelch that overwhelming desire to have an orgasm RIGHT NOW, allowing you time to get home and hop into bed with your wife.  Also if you brought home an std or aids to your wife, was it worth it....even though the drive is overwhelming?
zzzmykids

[Venora Moonwind]

During the full moon I get mini manic and sex is so good. My hubby loves the full moon
I have a normal sex life but when the full moon rises I go crazy and my hubby loves it.
We have been married for 23 years so apparently I am doing something right.
Beekeeper get into counseling. It will give you the tools you need to deal with the highs and lows. Learning to recognize them and what to do to counteract them
On a side note masturbation is not wrong. It is better than having affairs.Even though I h ave a healthy sex life I still masterbate occacionally It is good a a really stressful day sometimes
We are here for you Beekeeper. you are not alone and you are loved.
Venora

[BeeKeeper]

Thanks for the responses.  I certainly hear what both of you are saying...it is nothing that I've not been told by other pdoc's.  Yes, i have a number of issues.  Yes, i have an unbelievably great wife that wants to try and save our marriage and me.  Problem is...I'm having a really hard time saving myself these days.

If I could use masturbation as a means to circumvent things...i would.  But it is so engrained in me that this is wrong...i feel just as ashamed and crushed.  If I could forgive myself of all my actions for the last 40 years...I would...problem is - i can't...don't know how...and drugs/therapy aren't really helping.

I don't want to go back to a year ago when holding a pistol to my head...trying to justify that my boys would understand...became almost a daily thing.  I hurt everyone i touch.  I'm falling back into a darkness that is all to familar and feel there really is only one wy to stop hurting so many people...to stop trying to live with forgiveness I'll never find...to stop feeling that God no longer hears me and has justly given me this disorder as punishment for who i am.

The only way to control the disorder, the unforgiveness and the hypersexuality...and thier affects on everyone around me seems to be just closing the door and turning out the lights.  End the show...end the masquerade.

I have the place, the means...but not the time...nor can find that final strength...but i see no future but blackness, I see no other outcome but this.  Saying that i'm sorry to those around me or those I've hurt has no mening for them anymore...but i am sorry I've hurt them.  i'm sorry that alife that I'm sure had promise at some point has become wasted, hurtful, and has come to this end.

Someday this darkness will pass.

[LetaB]

  What religion are you involved with where there is no forgiveness? If you are consciously planning on perpetrating again than (in Christianity) it is withheld until you come round.
  You sound to me like you are extremely depressed and negative right now.If we weren't supposed to enjoy sex would we so much? Is your partner not fulfilling your needs in this area?
  When you say you go to the internet are we talking about porn or dates? I never found it all that simple to find "dates" when I was briefly "single" myself, not dates that I would feel safe about.
  My partner is highly motivated towards for giving me as he's nuts about me. I've never needed him to but I'm pretty sure he would but wht good would it be if I can not forgive myself? This massive shame and self hatred is not realistic or conducive to any good. Cut it out or at least don't condone it in yourself.
  Locking yourself away is just a temporary measure to fix this. If you truly hate and can not control this aspect of your disorder consider some of the antdepressants out there that have a big reputation toward curbing that appetite but how will that effect your relationship with your husband? I read an article years ago how husbands polled did not want their spouses BP controled because the manic phases were so full of hot sex.
   I don't know what to tell you, dear. Practice some deep breathing and commit to trying to forgive yourself anew every day.

[monkeyc]

Mine is very accepting but I manage my behaviour within the marriage in that I deal with it myself with masturbation which I think is easier for her to accept.

Ive never strayed and honestly think I never would, its just the way im built I guess, though I wont say that our marriage is super healthy for other factors right now and it did take a lot of talking as a couple to understand why i sometimes prefer masturbating to sex with her - we now know that its a sign things are wrong when I desire the release more and more as its a coping strategy - my need for it comes on when I become unstable and depressed more than any other time.

Open communication is the key I guess but you have to be comfortable with that aspect of yourself and it does seem to me that you might not be.  

As to religion, well not to ever be insulting to anyone's beliefs but the very use of the word condemmed is my problem with most religion right there - the bible and ones beliefs give no one the right to judge others from where I sit and I too was raised a christian and still consider myself to be.. I just reject religion instead of god.  

In this day and age God and religion have very little to do with each other IMO and any religion that condemns people rather than counselling and offering support and fellowship in a time of need needs to have a seriously deep look at itself.  I seriously cringe when I look at some of the tripe that comes out of the mouths of some mainstream american churches - hate filled speech about homosexuality and muslim's and so many other things.

There is nothing wrong with asking god's forgiveness and you dont need a pastor, priest of bishop to do it but the way a very wise old priest once put it to me stands true - before you can ask for gods forgiveness you have to forgive yourself first.

You have a number of issues which to be honest I think you need to deal with in therapy alone and with your spouse - for one thing you seem ashamed of your needs for sexual release and I get the distinct impression you have an issue with masturbating as well.  Therapy can help you deal with the shame and the anger which you have to put down and move on from yourself before you can fix your marriage.  

Ultimately however the hard truth is does your partner want to fix the marriage - thats harsh but its a 2 way street here.

Ultimately you say you have gone outside of your marriage multiple times in a decade and engaged in sexual relationships with people.  This is a big thing for a wife to deal with but she is still with you - from where I sit there is something in that worth fighting for.

I wish you luck.  This is a hard road you are on.