Well today was an interesting day. I woke up this morning feeling great. I have been hypomanic for 2 months now. My psychiatrist knows but I refuse to adjust meds. I'm having fun. So today something inside me just snapped. Suddenly I had more rage than I have ever felt in my life. I was crying hysterically for hours. I decided that I would call every member of my family and tell them what I thought of them and to never call again. Now, i'm really close with my family. I also wanted to do really bad things to them. I don't think I can say or they will delete this. My last call was my mom. She's my best friend. I told her horrific things to her. I thought the cops were coming to my house for some reason do I kept checking the blinds. My Aunt finally called and said that either she was coming over or calling the cops. I told her, if she came over she would get a baseball bat. Wow. I told her if she called the cops, I had a gun. I don't know what happened to me. I eventually calmed down.
So here's the thing. I had surgery 1 month ago and havn't been eating or sleeping. I have lost 20lbs in the past month. I called my pdoc and surgeon and they both said it's from the surgery. your meds are working a little differently because of the pain medication I was on for a week and a half. You will slowly get back to normal.
I am Bipolar 1 and I rapid cycle. But this has never happened. It's like something snapped in my brain. Is it the food issue. I can't eat solids for another 3 months. This can't be good for my brain. My body is telling me to eat and sleep but my mind is saying no way. You don't need it. What's the deal. Has this ever happened to anyone before?
Please help. I don't want this to happen again. Next time someone could maybe get hurt. I'm not a violent person.
I would say one thing. Why did you "refuse to adjust meds"? If things aren't working out then its worth it. You discuss what's going on and perhaps I or other people could suggest what you might ask about. Dialogue with your psychiatrist. Don't dismiss them. Tell them what you want and what's wrong. If you don't like the medications they suggested then present them with other ideas. I had given the websites "Depression Central"
this is a good resource as well.
Look despite my recovery I cannot deny one thing. The medication I got on, Tenex, to control the dystonic spasms happens to be a mood stabilizer as well (its clinically related to Clonidine which works as one). The Zofran was helpful in that regard but its not a mood stabilizer in general. So I was off one. I wasn't wildly manic because the glycine does have a mood stabilization effect but part of me did want to cut myself off from society. I just wasn't aware of it. Or why. I am homebound because of a physical disability but part of me just wanted to cut myself off from people as well. I wasn't thinking about it. Or why.
But I know what it is exactly. An "agitated mixed state" the bitter affect (mood) of depression and the speeded up quality of mania. That's what you went through and chances are you are like me a rapid cycler. And it will happen again. So you do need to get things adjusted. And you should speak to your psychiatrist. But how? Certainly lack of sleep can worsen anything. But what else? Talk to us and we'll give a better idea of how to present it to your psychiatrist and maybe you'll get a better response.
First of all, I'd like to say that I'm sorry your surgery is causing you such great distress. Secondly, I had a similar day to yours yesterday. I woke up fairly depressed and agitated. This turned into an all out rage later on. I stupidly went to work ( I should have called out). I was brutally blunt to my co-workers, snapped at my customers, and nearly put a friend of mine through a wall. I went home later and continued to flip out. I started throwing things around in my room...After I was finished it looked like an F5 tornado had hit. To vent I started to draw, it didn't help, but I felt like if I stopped drawing I would lose it completely. I sat there drawing and crying hysterically for hours. I eventually took Ambien at about 2am and made myself sleep. I feel a little better today, but I'm really upset at the state of my room and the way I acted to everyone at work. I don't ever wish for this to happen again...I don't normal snap at people, or act so outrageously.
I too haven't been sleeping well or eating well due to depression. So maybe that does have something to do with it. I am newly diagnosed as Bipolar II (since September of '08), so I'm still trying to understand things about myself. I just wanted to give you my similar experience.
I don't really know why I refused to adjust my meds. I remember going in there feeling better than I ever felt in my life (been feeling that way since, except today). I was being completely irresponsible when my pdoc wanted to adjust. I even asked him why he would want to adjust anything when I felt so great. At the time it didn't make since to me. I was bouncing off the walls now that I think about it. He eventually just looked at me and smiled and said "Have fun". There was nothing more he could do and I was happy with that answer. I think he thought I would crash a long time ago. I'm a rapid cycler.
Today I did not feel depressed at all. I was crying hysterically for no reason. I havn't felt any sort of depression in many months. It's so weird. I have bursts. I will be bouncing off the walls, happy, really loud, spending, running instead of walking, and no sleep for a couple weeks. Then I will slow down for a couple days and sleep a little more. Maybe I will be slightly sad, but not depressed by any means. Then it will start all over again. It's hard to not want the hypomania and not have to deal with the crash.
I don't know what happened today thinking the cops were out to get me. You would think I as on drugs or something. But now I feel great. Like a million bucks. Like nothing ever happened. I just don't get it. This isn't my normal pattern. I hope this makes sense. I hope someone knows what this is or can relate. It's not the typical BP pattern. But what is right? I'm so hesitant to call my pdoc. I don't want this to end. I'm not irresponsible in life. Something is telling me no. Don't see your doctor, don't eat any food, don't sleep. I REALLY need support right now.
Ok we are here ok, were right here for you and we will do what we can.
You are with friends and fellow travellers.
Right now the most important thing is getting yourself sorted out. Yes pain meds can mess you up, Just ask any of us who have been in surgery, my bowel resection this year was an exercise in unpleasantness due to my reaction to Fentanyl and it can be very bad - Therese can tell you about that hell.
That being said the comment from a psychiatrist that its the meds and they will take time to work is astounding - you just described a psychotic episode to us there and that means you are right now at risk and you need help.
They way I see it you have 2 options ok
1.Call your pdoc and get an appointment, go and see him and make him talk to you - his comment that its the meds is irresponsible and dangerous especially if you were honest about what happened to you.
2. Go to hospital and tell them what happened being totally honest and they can get you some immediate care.
Im really worried right now for you ok, this is a bad place to be and I can only imagine how bad you are feeling right now and how much pain you are in. I know going to hospital and asking for help seems the worst thing in the world to us but I think right now you really need to get some assistance - your meds are not working, you cannot eat food, your absoprtion rates will be off if they are working at all (which is doubtful for many meds)
You are rapid cycling and Id suspect are hypomanic right now based what you are describing.
I would honestly say go to your ER, between being a rapid cycler and you've had psychotic features today and your surgery, I would really go in. It could be something physical that's triggered it as well. It might help you to ease up on your swinging. I've been there.
I would rather die than get locked up in a hospital again. I'm really upset now. My family thinks i'm a freak. They know nothing and care to know nothing about this disorder. They don't know what to do with me. My boyfriend's freaked out because he thinks he's going to wake up with a knife in his chest. Luckily he's on the other side of the country. I will call my pdoc tomorrow and get in with him ASAP. He always finds time for me.
Monkeyc- When I spoke with my pdoc about not being able to sleep or eat, he already knew about the sleeping part for a long time. I have been taking 3mg of Clonazepam a night for over a year. We decided it would be best to get off it slowly over a 6 month period. So when I asked him about the eating he said it was probably related to the surgery but wasn't sure. My surgeon said considering I had face, mouth and chin surgery that's why I couldn't eat. Duh! What they both didn't understand was I was talking about my lack of appetite. I don't think I made myself clear. I told my pdoc about the sleeping as well and we immediately increased the Clonazepam dose again. I also have sleeping pills and Remeron to sleep. The works. I just don't take them. I thought, why would I sleep when I don't need to. Since I became hypomanic, I havn't been completely upfront with my pdoc. The thing is, I don't want the euphoria to go away. I take full responsibility for it now. It's not his fault. He's an amazing psychiatrist. He's saved my life more times than I can count. He knows me. He knows i'm lying too. There's just nothing he can do about it. Today scared the **** out of me. I don't understand how I lost control. I have lost control a lot in the past but I was psychotic and don't remember hardly anything. I just know what people tell me mostly. this time I was completely aware but couldn't control my actions or anything.
Look, I don't have people around me to talk to about BP. I mostly rely on this site for support as pathetic as that may sound. I have always considered myself very well put together and right now i'm bursting at the seams. I can't believe myself. I'm so ashamed. My own mom is disgusted with me. I'm a monster
I'm so glad your going to see your psych. It certainly sounds like you hit a psychotic episode yesterday, I also get rages when I am hypomanic and all hell breaks loose if anyone triggers me when I'm like that. I'm on a medication change now and i've signed up for an anger management group because irritability seems to be a big part of my BP along with the depression.
I don't need to tell you to be honest with your psych because you already know that you need to. You also know that if you keep refusing to take the medication and keep lying then you will end up in the hospital where you don't want to be.
The good bits of the high are great and I completely 100% understand you not wanting to let go of those, but there is always the flip side which you experienced yesterday and that's the side that makes the good bits not worth having.
I often say that family and friends can never truly understand what its like to have BP, they say they do but when an extreme of emotion surfaces they don't know what to do and look at you like your an alien or something. Like you I find this site the only real source of support and advice and the only place I can be truly honest.
Your lack of appetite could be down to having had the major surgery, maybe even depression - as in a mixed state both depressed and high at the same time. It is so important that the psych knows exactly what you are feeling. Even if you just print off your posts on here to take to him so he can see for himself.
We'll all be here for you, we ride the rollercoaster daily.
I do understand where you are coming from but the thing is the euphoria wont last. Right now you are not stable you are heading up the line again, euphoria is hypomania and we all know it - yes it feels good but it just does not stay there.
I am truly worried about you, I do understand not wanting to be in hospital again, believe me I have fought that like no toomorrow myself but I have had to accept in the last week that if things do not change thats where I will end up, my psychologist made it clear to me today and I already knew it.
You had a psychotic episode - you experienced delusions, paranoia and uncontrollable rage and you know where that leads, lets not pretend because we are all adults and we are all fellow travellers and we all know that if it happens again and the police do get called you are going to be a lot worse off - its one thing to check yourself into hospital and another think to get sectioned or committed for care, you lose all your options then for one thing.
Truly I am worried, I see you knowing what is going on and yet not wanting it to stop and I know you realise it has to.
We're here and you know that, we are thinking of you and we know that, the most important thing right now is to get back on an even keel and get stabilised.
So I saw my pdoc today. I told him what happened and he said it's mania (of course) and dissociative disorder. I am full blown manic right now with psychotic features. Surprise, surprise. This is my fault for not allowing him to adjust my meds when I first started becoming hypomanic. It was a good run, I must admit. 3 months of bliss. Dumb too. Lesson learned. I am so glad no one was around me yesterday. I would have done something monsterous. I wouldn't let anyone come over today either. Or tomorrow or the next. Not till i'm somewhat confident i'm not going to hurt anyone. So he upped my Lithium and put me on INVEGA. I hope it works soon. I'm not feeling so chipper anymore. I feel too aware. I can't sit still. I feel explosive! I feel like the Incredible Hulks sister LOL. People are watching me from outside. I closed all the blinds. I have 2 dogs that will lick them to death if they break in. I have a gun too.
So, I know i'm definately not out of the woods. I can hear them outside. You guys really helped me out last night. Thanks for the support. I'm going to be o.k. as long as I don't smash someone's face in. I'm shocked I can actually type and communicate, i think. This has never been the case before. I told him I was not eating still. He's calling my surgeon to see whats up. They will probably recommend me to some stupid GP who doesn't know ****. What is he going to shove food in my throat? I'm NOT going to eat. How hard is that to understand! I know it's unhealthy. But my BRAIN is telling me to not eat. How can I argue with my brain? It doesn't work. My brain tells me not to sleep. Have you ever tried to sleep like that? Doesn't work. SAme thing.
Yes, the euphoria is officially gone. I now see I started becoming manic on Friday at work. Of course I didn't think of it then but I said some really innapropriate things to my clients. I remember it being sexual. I don't remember if I made a pass or what was said. I hope i didn't blow it AGAIN! A lot of stuff happened that day and Saturday. I won't elabrate.
You have to eat. Its hard and you hate it but you MUST eat. Without food in your stomach you won't absorb properly and thats not going to help you not to mention you will get sicker.
I know this is hard right now but you have to start eating, even if its something small you must put some food into your body - you need to eat to live, without food you will become sicker and sicker and you know this right now.
You have to argue with your brain, and right now your brain is not a wise counsel - after all you know you are have mania with psychotic features so how much should you be trusting your brain right now? If you want to look at it bluntly your brain wants to hurt you.
And yes you need to sleep.
I think one thing you might be able to try is something like Valium, its a great drug for calming racing thoughts and a noisy mind and might help you get some respite to sleep and with sleep will come control.
You can do this ok, This is a series of steps along a path and one by one you have to take them, sleep and eating are vital to returning some control.
And please do me a favour. Get hold of someone you trust and give them the gun to hold onto. right now I do not think you should have a gun.
First of all Invega was probably a good idea just to settle things. Does he believe you need it long term? You were never diagnosed with bipolar with psychotic features. Is this something new or does he believe its a result of the surgery and medication changeover and stress. If you feel "stiff" that's probably akathesia or dystonia from the Invega. Abilify is less likely to cause this. You could be prescribed Cogentin as a side effect pill if you need it.
I support what everyone is saying. There are just two general things that are said sometimes I might disagree with. First of all that people can't recover from bipolar. Of course people need medication but I believe anyone who hasn't recovered yet just hasn't hit the right combo or what's out there isn't working but there are new medications in development and medications that are approved used experimentally off label to treat bipolar all the time. The medication I am using Tenex is helpful but I myself am watching for signs of elation as the Clonidine which is similar caused that in me. Its primary usage in me is control of dystonic spasms but it is working as a mood stabilizer but I am aware. I let my psychiatrist know. And am using the mood tracker here. The reason I have massive insomnia is not from bipolar though. The medications are activating and with the variety of spasms sleep is not easy for me. But I catch up with during the day. But eating properly is essential. And if you are going to work then sleeping at night is as well. Rozerem and Lunesta are well tolerated (especially Rozerem which adjusts the sleep cycle) and will help you go right to sleep.
The other issue is with family and friends. If you did something that was disturbing, then they don't have to accept that. But they do have to accept the fact that you have bipolar. Its part of who you are. You take medication for it and so you are responsible. They shouldn't judge you for this and if they do educate them not to. You spoke about going to NAMI support groups. What about ones for friends and family for them? And if your psychiatrist comes across as antagonistic you can change that. Don't think of the manic episodes as something to hide. Discuss them.
I know having been there. It was a year ago that I went off Lamictal without telling my psychiatrist and of course I became full blown manic. It wasn't until I got on a mood stabilizer that he could even see the glycine was working. But now I update him on everything and that's how we've built up a good consumer/provider relationship. I wouldn't have his support with what I do if I hadn't earned it and I've only had it in this manner in this past year.
I am the person who disagrees with the use of the word recover BTW.
And I think that its a bad word because recover implies cure and you cannot cure bipolar and thus i disagree with its usage - Its very easy for people who are stable and medicated to fall into the trap of speaking that way without realising we are giving fals hope to people who think they can be cured one day and thus med free - this is what gets people into the dangerous mindset of feeling better and thus stopping medications - they think they have recovered.
I do not believe there is a single medication or combination of medications on the market that can cure bipolar.
Bipolar medications are management and stability control not recovery and at this point with medical science that is simple reality. As to what may be out there off label or experimental that is up to individual doctors and patients - we here must deal in the common drugs and treatments because thats what the posters here have access to and frankly the quality of doctors in the average community would preclude any sort of experimental treatments not to mention a lot of people here are trying to just get some stability back in their lives first.
Seriously I think its worth reading jst4shanell's original post - she's not looking for drug advice and right now isnt interested in experimental meds or new drugs - right now we are deeply concerned that her mental state needs to stabilise and frankly no pdoc is going to start introducing many new drugs into this situation because of side effect risks.
Recovery is a loaded word and I think one we need to avoid - we are all stable at best and if you or I stop taking our meds we will; be unstable again and immediately in some cases - this is not recovery because without the meds we are not able to function normally - recovery implies a situation where meds are no longer needed and that just does not happen in Bipolar.
No I see your point as regards specifics. I was making a general point. As regarding recovery if I say I am "recovered" it no manner applies I am cured. And yes my specific antipsychotic treatment is experimental and although its available most psychiatrists wouldn't use it and it should never be taken on its own. If you are talking mood stabilizers though that's another story. That list I've posted of experimental mood stabilizers are approved medications but used off label. A mood disorders specialist or psychopharmocologist will prescribe them. I do suggest people try the common mood stabilizers first as would a psychiatrist but then if they don't work there are other options.
And as for myself, I've had an almost complete remmission of psychotic symptoms from schizophrenia so it is fair to say I am "recovered". But people with epilepsy usually don't have seizures anymore but they need anti-convulsants and have to take them everyday. They aren't "cured" but have recovered. But I have schizoaffective and I still have occasional moodswings so I can't say that aspect is completely gone. Glycine is not a mood stabilizer.
And of course a person should be taking standard antipsychotics first. Thats' why I suggested Abilify as having less of a chance of causing akathesia than Invega. But if someone has gotten to the point where they have tried everything including Clozaril and it doesn't work or have tardive dyskinesia and have been ruled out as a candidate for Clozaril, I would think at that point providers might consider it as an option. But that's their decision. I only try to promote overall awareness. And if you had seen my speech and style of communication before the glycine I was as psychotic as your average person with schizoaffective. I need not detail. The treatments that will be realized as medications in the very near future will have a far greater recovery rate and target receptors in a more exact manner. Scientific journals can confirm that. The studies as well. I am the only confirmed recovery out of study but it will be published in a psychiatric journal. That much is factual. I know that your knowledge at times of bipolar is actually greater than mine. But when I speak about being "recovered" as regards psychosis, I have testified and its for real and been confirmed. But this is a side note. And if you want to pm me for more details I'd be happy to answer any questions. Thanks.
I am with monkeyc. Right now, your brain is not your friend. To a degree, you know this. One of the biggest problems a lot of us have is non-compliance, whether it be with medication or being honest with our doctors. Please take care of yourself and try to do some of the things that you don't want to do - like eat and sleep. I've had a rough weekend myself, so I know some of what you're going through - not all, but a great deal. Eating and sleeping are paramount to achieving any kind of stability. I don't know about your weight or caloric intake, but I do know that if are endangering yourself you may lose the ability to make those choices for yourself. You don't have to eat a lot. Just eat a little bit of something a few times a day. I am not seeing anything prescribed specifically to help you sleep. I think you may need something like that.
It is vitally important that you get some rest and nutrition.
Okay I see what people are saying. I think the general point I made about approaching a psychiatrist is essential. Everyone needs to take medication who needs it. The reason I don't use the term "compliant" is because I don't approach it that way. As happenned with myself from "compliance" comes "defiance". Its essential to know why you need the medications. For what purpose? Specifically? What are the benefits? And side effects? And what are they trying to help?
Its essential to see a psychiatrist as an equal partner in recovery not an antagonistic figure. And that can be achieved with any treatments including what's out there now. And I can't say I haven't been there with hypomania seeming like fun. We all have. Its just what comes after that isn't. Have an honest talk with your psychiatrist about what's going on. And your therapist as well. Not just about your medication but your life. I think that's a good approach in general.
I am drinking a whey protein shake with carrot juice, fruit, and spirillina and other algae (yum). That's my compromise.
I do have sleep aides-Clonazepam 3 mg (large dose), keeps me asleep for a couple hours. Remeron-believe it or not it's an antidepressant, but if you take it in extremely small doses it knocks the **** out of you. I don't take it because I can't function well the next day. Serequel- Cannot tolerate. I can't even walk the next day. It effects me strangely.
Clonazepam is like Valium. It does work the best for me. My pdoc told me the INVEGA will help me sleep.
ILADVOCATE- My pdoc is not antagonistic in the slightest. He's a great doctor and I have known him a long time. I can say anything to him without judgement. I'm surprised he took me on immediately. He has a waiting list that takes years to get an appointment. He always drops thing for you. If you call him, he calls back in 5 minutes or usually less. I don't know how he does it. He's my confidant.
I am still waiting for the police to come. My aunt threatened me again, which infuriated me. I guess i'm just a selfish person in this family. I can't take care of myself (whatever). She hasn't even seen me. I couldn't talk to her because she was yelling at me, saying I couldn't take care of myself because I hadn't taken my medication yet. I am also so selfish, of course. If she would have shut her yap, she would have know that my pdoc said to take it before bed. Not at 7:00. I just told her to quit calling me. I get so worked up with her cutting me off because right now I guess I don't have a say in anything. Whatever.
Thank you guys. I hope tomorrow is a better day. I am hopeful as always. I don't know how long the medication will take to start working, but I hope it's soon.
Remeron is a horrible drug, im trying to get off it now so I dont blame you, ive experienced a number of its side effects and yes it makes you sleepy, at low doses it makes you a zombie as a matter of fact.
Hang in there ok, we are here. As for people who are not being supportive, right now I would be limiting my exposure where possible to them - yes they may mean well but this is not the time for well meaning people.
Toomorrow is always a new day, we get the chance to make a new start every morning.
Yep, I had a police report put in on me. It came back to haunt me in children's court. I snapped...and I accuse my friends and familly of all sorts of thing...I lost all of those relationships...I'm almost alone, but I think I like being alone: less responsibility.
I don't know if it was do to any surgery or not: all I had was a lanceration.
These disease could cause you to hurt someone really bad, so just be as cool as possibe.
You need to have someone hold your gun for you, you are a risk in your paranoid state. I wouldn't want you to do anything that will come back to haunt you. I'm not sure why your pdoc didn't hospitalize you. There are worse things in the world, I went in, and became much calmer in the end.
I hate to hear you're suffering so much, that's why I mentioned the hospital, people go for all sorts of things, you have a brain dis-ease, it's no different then epilepsy and diabetes. I've never had a psychotic/paranoid state, but I've had extreme anxiety as well if I"m hypomanic it takes a heck of a lot of meds to help me sleep. My brain buzzes for hours and hours, and if it goes on I get really irritable and will snap at people. Just remember, post it on your fridge somewhere the people out there that actually are looking out for your best interest instead of getting defensive.
I would also recommend setting a binder up and check out this website, it's amazing and will help others to help you when you can't.
I like it because it puts into words my legal requests, what I need when I am sick and my choices on treatments.
For me I put, that if I am hospitalized, do not isolate me or put me in severe restraints (I'm claustrophobic), that's very important. If you set out what you need, if you go into hospital, they have to respect your wishes.
I hope you feel better soon, this too shall pass.
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