I can't stand myself

[vheard]

I was diagnosed with anxiety when I was 23 then with depression at 24 at age 30 I was told I was bi-polar/manic depression.I am now 37 and just don't know whats really wrong with me.I can't stand my life and haven't for as long as I can remember.Daily I just want to end it.I'm tired of how I feel and I know it affects my whole family.Most of the time I think that they would be better off without me.I have a very hard time interacting with people in general.In the past I have been on alot off different meds ( librax, paxil, xanax, diasapam, effexor, zyban, zyprexa, risperdol ),and others that I can't think of right now.I am not on anything right now for several reasons,I have overdosed on some in the past, I didn't like how they made me feel,and now I just can't afford to go see a doctor.I just don't know what to do.I can't stand myself anymore.I don't even know why I'm posting this.

[Xila31]

Well, I know I am my own worst enemy, that's for sure. I can't tell you how many times I've had suicidal ideation. Usually I get through it okay and without a scratch or even without hospitalization, but I tell you it is a rough and bumpy road. I look at myself in the mirror and more times than I can count I just can't stand how sickening I am to myself. A big part of it is the bipolar, I know. I have fought with myself since I was a child hating myself. Long before I hit puberty, even as a very little girl of 7-8 years old I felt like I was some sort of alien from another planet. I also have anxiety really bad and I'm not so good with people, either.

But, you know, just because we have this illness doesn't mean we're nothing and the people around us still love us and needs us even when we can't see it. It gets so hard to remember that sometimes. I don't know why we're the way we are but we have to keep fighting to make it. That's what we have to do every day. I understand not being able to afford the doctor. Even with insurance I can't afford to see my doctor any more this year. It is so frustrating. I can't afford meds, nothing. I tried lithium and it made me so sick. I don't have the money for the other stuff. So, you're not alone.

I guess that's what I'm telling you, is you're not alone. There's a lot of us in this bipolar boat. But if you really think you're in crisis don't go it alone. Reach out to even just a help line or a church or a friend or anything. And I hope you get through it, because I've been there, too.

[ssiddall]

I'm bipolar and my own worst enemy too.  I was diagnosed as bipolar about ten years ago. I'm married now, for two years. I'm depressed as hell right now and feel like my wife would be better off without me. I seem to make her life harder than it needs to be. I don't have anything to look forward too. I don't like what I do anymore and my wife is angry with me about things I just don't understand most of the time.

I have a hard time communicating/interacting with people most of the time too. I just don't feel like a normal person or like just a regular guy. I'm too sensative, shy and quiet. I'm more sensative than my own wife. She can make me cry without even trying.

I don't look forward to going to work like I used to, nor do I like going home to my wife who won't talk to me. I'd like someone to shoot me, but the rest of my family would be devastated. I can't imaging feeling much worse than I do right now.

[ILADVOCATE]

There are other options as regards medications. We have some websites linked up on the wecome page that are clinically accurate but consumer friendly. I myself have been through repeat trials of medications that didn't help until I found the right combination.
You just have work with your psychiatrist to find the right one. As for health care coverage see if you could be eligible for Medicaid and if you work if your state has it the Medicaid Buy in for Working People with Disabilities. You could find out more at your local independent living center:
http://www.ilru.org/html/publications/directory/index.html
If you really didn't want help you wouldn't be posting here. The will to find recovery is sometimes hard to acheive but it is worth it. When you find a medication that can help you you will feel better and you can speak to a psychologist about standard life issues as well.

[doctora]

Everything you said, could relate to me, and I think most of us with bi-polar. You can take some comfort in the fact that you are not alone.
I have been through so many meds it would freak out the "average" person, and I know a lot of people on this site are the same, remember its all trial and error, what works for one person will not work for another.
I agree with ILADVOCATE, his advice is usually "bang on".
As for me, so far, I am taking Seroquel and Abilify...which I should note, I wouldnt have even have known about the Abilify if it wasnt for ILADVOCATE (thanks).
Keep trying, hang in there...there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Let us know what your Dr. Suggests for meds?

[zzzmykids]

This is a pretty safe place to ask questions and  to just tell how you feel.  I am worried for you.  Do you have a psychiatrist or a pharmapsychiatrist? You Need one. Though you don't like meds and I am in the 2percent that get the wierd side affects, I take them when my doctor prescribes them.  Right now not taking any, yes take lithium and valium to sleep and zanax but the last battery of new meds had too bad side effects.  What was wierd I haven't been depressed in about three months or so.  That isn't the usual for me, six months at a time, three months, etc.  But I believe having a Christian talk counselor a qualified psychiatrist specializing in bp, a core group of friends and family and animals helps.  Who do you have?  Do you have a close friend you can educate?
Parent? Teacher? Church pastor or councelor? Please get up in the mornings and look at yourself in the mirror and first...laugh, really laugh...endorphines start flowing.  Now look in the mirror and say, I am worthy of being alive and loved, I am a good and smart person. Pills and moodswings will not destroy me, I will get through the worst of times due to the strength I have.  Blessing to you. zzz

[doctora]

Hey, how are you doing?
You havent posted in a while, is everything okay? Are you feeling better?

Let me know.