I will not.

[misterhamtastic]

I will not harm myself.  I refuse.  There's so much going on right now, I'd like to lay my soul bare before everyone, but I will spare you that.  I last self-injured in october.  I want to so bad.  I want that second of endorphin driven clarity, when all that exists is that pain.  I won't.  It stresses people out so badly that it isn't worth it.  I hope I can keep from flying apart in the meantime.

Oh!  A question... Sorry.  Given the choice, is it better to be kind in spite of what may happen, or be aggressive and take all you can?

[bernie40]

I see you have received some wonder advice and support and that is what this forum is all about.  It can truly be a lifeline at times.  I am not surprised you feel about to explode with everything that is going on.  This additional challenges you are facing could require an increase or change in your meds in order for you to deal with them.  You have an appointment on the 13th - am I reading it right that this is not a psych appointment but your way towards a psych?  If so then be sure that they know how urgent your situation is.

As a group we have helped many people through truly awful times on this site, so trust me you are not a bother at all.  Sadly we can all empathise with where you are coming from but we put our experiences to good use by helping others through.

[irishwriter]

i find a bath or listening to music good. i haven't the motivation to walk or other exercise at the moment. i'm sorry to hear about your divorce but you will get through it. i now say
'divorced yay!'. hope new pcoc turns out to be a good one. also agree that it will  be good to see your kids on friday and i hope they make you feel better.

thinking of you

[misterhamtastic]

Problem.  As of now, I have no pdoc.  The appt the 13th is for an intake at a new office.  Going through the community services board, it's a month or more wait to see a pdoc regularly.  My sis is allowing me to stay with her and her family until I can get my own place, since I'm going through a divorce from my wife.  I am supposed to get the kids (all 5) for visitation Friday.  I can't go to the hospital, as that will be used against me.  I'm just... I'm just trying to exist until I can get to a point where I can do something about it.

[irishwriter]

just to reiterate that you are never a bother, that's what we are here for and it does help to find others who are going through the same stuff. make me feel less isolated.

can you talk to pdoc by phone? maybe get him to try different combo of meds. i hve been going through that deep depression side of bp now for year and a half and having tried lots of different meds i find current combo give me more relief than i have ever had before.

remember that even if your room mates don't understand, we all do here so do not hesitate topost when you need to. thinking of you.

[misterhamtastic]

It's weird.  It's not crushing depression/sad... It's blanketing apathy and a lack of desire to live.  Ugh.  I don't know.  The hospital is such a pain in the butt, and I'm living with people who won't understand.  I'm still trying, though.  I will not actively seek the end or even harm.

[misterhamtastic]

Lithium, Wellbutrin, Klonopin is my cocktail.  I just stopped effexor, my pulse was running at 150.  I'm sorry.  I'm tired.  This fight is just wearing me down.

[Venora Moonwind]

Please you are not a bother. That is what this forum is all about to help each other through our worst and best bi polar times.
See your doc asap or if this continues you might want to check yourself into hospital.
Keep coming here to talk to us  everytime you want to self harm if you cant get into the doc. We will help you get through this.You are special and you are loved
Prayers are being said for you .
Love Venora

[misterhamtastic]

thanks... sorry to bother you guys with my stuff.  No pdoc for a month.  Rapid cycling?  everyday of my life, so nothing new.  I'll survive, but I may not be happy about it.

[irishwriter]

if you can avoid it at all please don't sh as i am finding it so difficult to stop it is like a drug. very addictive and am up to 400 cuts and each time i do more and more. i got to six days free last time and am trying again today.

can you talk to pdoc about meds or do you have pdoc?  you do sound like you are rapid cycling so pdoc talk sounds lke the route to take.

best of luck and think of me and my struggle with it when you feel the desire to sh!

[ILADVOCATE]

It sounds like things are out of hand and you may be rapid cycling. Regardless of any recovery I have now, I've been there before exactly as you describe. Why not speak to your psychiatrist?