I'm quite lost

[Failuretoexcel]

I am having an awful hard time with procrastination, anxiety, jealousy, mood swings, focusing, remembering anything.. I am a jumbled mess.

First off I would like to let you all know I was diagnosed with Manic Depression several years ago, its underlying problems still effect me to this day.

Lets start with anxiety, shall we? I am constantly focusing and tunneling my energy into my relationship problems. I feel like a co dependent, morbidly jealous ******* but all I want to do is be with and support my girlfriend. She lives a fairly long distance away from me, it honestly hurts to not talk to her on the phone or hear from her. Yes I know, she does not even live close but that honestly does not matter to me, just having her in my life at all is a blessing.  When she talks about other guys, I get this urgent need to make sure she is not cheating on me. When she is talking to me on the internet, I feel she is also talking to him. When we talk she brings him up periodically and it tears me apart to think perhaps she has two things going on at once. I know, I am an ******* but I honestly can not help it. My chest hurts when we can not talk, I get over emotional even. I pick apart our conversations and just not being able to know destroys me, I just want it to stop because I love her. I don't want how my mind works to destroy this relationship, I want to marry this girl one day and spend the rest of my life with her.

I always feel like something is wrong, my brain shuts off and I can not think.. I don't know what to say and all I do is sit there and try and not lose my mind. I am constantly in a really good mood, or in a really bad mood. There are some grey areas, but its almost always either or. I have not been on any medication, it felt like when I did the problems got worse. Now that these problems are persisting again, I do not even know to get help. I have little money and no real way of getting anywhere. I don't want to rely on a pill to be stable, but its just getting out of hand. It is hard for me to do normal everyday things sometimes, more so at work than anything. I can not focus, I can not really remember what was just told to me. When I was going to school I had the same problem, I never could fully remember anything. I feel fine for a while but then my brain just shuts off again.. and I start feeling panicky and over analyzing everything. I also can not stand the fact that I can not help my girl. She is struggling and I can not help.. I can not give her what she needs and it tears me up inside.

I get upset over little things, I treat my parents and family horribly sometimes.. I am just unstable. I am overly nice to people I barely know then get upset when I find them using me. I really just want everyone to be happy, but I do not know how to speak up and tell people "Your an *******" if you know what I mean. At the same time I hate people because most of them are untrustworthy and vindictive.. I guess that's the root of my trust issues as well.  I read something but can not fully remember what was said.. I have to go over it again and again and then try and think of a better response. Its like something takes over my brain.

I hope someone can make sense of what I am trying to say.. like I said my brain just shuts off and I do not know what to do about all this. I feel like I am crazy. I just think perhaps if I got back on my meds then I could get my brain back on track, be less distant to my friends, be a better man to my girl and family, and think properly again. Please help.

[lindahand]

Crazy isn't a good word. Try ill and see if that makes a difference in how you think.

By constantly checking to make sure she isn't cheating you are insulting her. This is something you need to address at least partly on your own (with the help of a therapist would be ideal if your health insurance covers it). It sounds like your illness talking though.

There is a lot of controvery right now about meds and if they are good in the long term. All I can say is that my brain on meds is a nice place to live, off meds it is a horror house. Something in the mood stabilizer family like lamotrigine or lithium may really help take the edge off things. It is worth talking to a psychiatrist. At least then you know your options and can make an informed decision.

[j17c27]

You are not an ******* and you arent crazy.  Reading this, I have exactly the same issues as you.  Jealousy, serious mood swings, procastination, focus problems...i also tend to really lash out at people for random reasons.
I was in a long distance relationship a few years ago, so i know sooo well how you feel.  I live in CT and he lived in CA....so i barely saw him in real life.  I would obsessivly text him and if he didnt text back in a while I'd think he was cheating.  It was just bad.  I actually feel really really deep into depression when I was with him and did not realize how bad it was until we broke up, and my life gradually started getting better and better.  Im not suggesting you break up at all, I just know how awful it is when you cant see the person you love everyday.  
Also, pills arent that bad.  My whole life changed when I went on Pristiq...not for depression, but i also have anxiety and it completely cured it.  But somewhere out there, there is a medicine that could really help you control the symptoms.  Meds combined with therapy is proven to be the absolute best at treating depression.  The meds lesson the symptoms while therapy helps you get to the root of your issues and builds you back up to be stronger, stable, and happier.
Best of luck to you, remember your not alone...you your NOT crazy!

[Arsia]

You're not crazy. I'm going through the same thing.
What you are is dependent on your girl and that WILL cause everything you're going through now. Just that simple dependency on another person.
I'm still working through dependency and I'm so deep into it, the only way I can get over it is to NOT talk to or see my boy at all. Not even talk for a day.
But you want to stay with your girl so you can't really do that.
All I can really suggest is try being alone for an hour, a day, short amounts of time and increase it while you think you can. Get support from family and friends and maybe tell your girl what you're going through.
CAUTION: this is really from my experience. You might just have depression or some imbalance, but this is what I've found to be true. I'm not a doctor, I'm just a girl that's been through the same thing, several times. So don't take my words to heart, but consider them.
Sorry my answers so short, brain dead right now.
I'll try to reply or post on Monday (no internet).