Inconsistency is my middle name

[Bubulous]

Inconsistency is one of the most difficult things that we have to deal with.  I went to a prom the other night with persons living with down syndrome.  It is the first service work  have done since being out of treatment.  The whole thing was beautiful.  The people were beautiful and the music was beautiful. The kindness was overwhelming and I became manic.  I have since payed for this.  It has costed me time and it is time thatI do not mind giving up for such a cause.
There have been other stimulants that have kept me off of my routine for the last week or so.  I do not recall most of them because I did not journal about them.  I havenot been able to follow through wth goals or promises.  Last night the depression peaked and today it is over (for now).
I believe this is a price that I have to pay for happiness.  According to the practices of my beliefs the only way to stay stable is to live a life of non-being.  I know that I would no have depression if there were no happiness first and vice versa.
And it isn't just me and it isn't just isolated to those with mental illness, it is just easier to track with us.  Because of the way I work it is very difficult to make plans and it isn't others who suffer from my behavior- it is me.  Some days I want to go off the grid.  I want to run and never look back.  I want ot hop on a train and leave my past behind.  I would be leaving behind a lot of great people in the search for great people.
This feeling is not new.  I have been doing it all of my life.  

[weaver71]

Yes, it is annoying for those who want to make plans, but worse than that is when you make plans and don't do it. I have found that people hearing the honest truth, "I can't remain consistent, it's just how my brain works," is not what people want to hear, but I have found they rather here that than some excuse as to why I flaked. It scared me to tell new clients I am bipolar, but continue to be surprised at how receptive people are. Most the time, the response is something like this, "Well, I'm glad you told me, so I will know what is happening when you don't show up, I won't have to speculate and likely guess wrong." I am also amazed at how many actually have or know someone who as a Mentally Interesting brain. It was hard to surrender to being bipolar, still working on it, but I find that I am doing way better by not hiding in the dark, similar to drugs. It was not until I was open and honest with myself and others that I was able to quit drugs. Likewise, it was not until I was honest with myself and others that I finally found what I am calling bipolar remission. I hope your experience is as good as mine has been in telling people you can't be consistent, that really has reduced a great deal of pressure for me.

[Bubulous]

I agree with everything you said.  I have been slowly working on making those in my life understand that I am not going to be able to make plans or goals and stick to them.  A lot of them are understanding.

[weaver71]

I'm consistant.......ly unpredictable. That is my one constant, just like the universe, change. So, I'm not totally inconsistant, you can always bet I'll be different the next time you see me. That is why I have tentative goals and refuse to make promises. That used to drive my kids crazy, not willing to make promises, doesn't everyone make promises and keep them, all good people? Jesus said to not swear, he was fine with cussing, not sure why we changed his meaning, but he said to make your yes be yes and no be no, "raca!" Lets see if medhelp will censor a Bible times aramaic profanity Jesus used, that would actually impress me. Anyway, yeah, you know I relate. When I was young, everyone loved how spontaneous I was and my noncommittal nature made me available in any moment to do some adventurous things. See, had I been consistent, I would have never gone to India, I made that decision 7 days before I was there, I can be consistent that long. I would have never lived in Hawaii, that was a last second decision. I would have missed so many things, had I been in a mold that couldn't be broken. Many things about my inconsistency bug me, mostly my ability to fit in and do things other people do, so I gave up on those things. I don't try to be consistent, I try to be inspiring to the consistent ones, to break their consitant mold that binds them, often in misery. Comfort and wealth have never mattered to me, so there really is no urgency to become more constant, as adventure and inspiration do not require me stay the same, but change and adapt spontaneously. I can't be consistent, I've tried, so I am finding the good things about being inconsistent. It's hard in a dog eat dog world, full of competition and greed, but I actually like being so in the moment and I inspire others to not value robotic human characteristics. Isn't that the ideal in modern society, a robot with a million gigs of RAM for a brain, predictable, on time, stable mood? Good thing I hate modern society, it makes my inconsistency a treasure of rebellion and prevents me from joining in the rat race I so despise. I am finding my inconsistancy is a blessing that's purpose is slowly being revealed in a very inconsistent way.

[Crystal413]

Your not alone. I am so inconsistent it's frustrating.

[Bubulous]

I don't need to hear the words but I appreciate it.  The intention is enough for me.  I have missed you all and of course I am struggling a little bit.  No today, however for the past couple of weeks.  I have came out of it for now and this is time for reflection not obsession.  I do need to understand the things I was doing wrong and make them right.  I have some theories on what happened but have not proven any of them yet.
Thank you Maxy,
Lare bear

[CRSeaside]

I just wrote you a long and heartfelt post. I lost my Internet connection and poof. It was gone. Will do it again. Need to regroup. Ha. Maxy