Indifference...will the love come back?

Hi guys,

I've been dating a bp guy for about 10 months. Everything was fine until 2 months ago he told me he needed a break--that he felt depressed and didn't want to take me down with him. I gave him space, checking in every now and then.

Lately, I've been asking questions about where our relationship stands, and he's giving me mixed signals. He'll say things like "I miss you, but I can't say I miss you. I don't feel a yearning for you." I asked if he only thinks of me as a friend now, and he said "No, I still think about your romantically. I miss affection, etc..." But he's so indifferent about working on our relationship. He'll mention that he wants to see me, but I have to follow up with him about making plans.

After reading about bipolar, I know indifference is a symptom. Is this temporary? Will the love he once felt for me come back? What can I do to help rekindle that spark in him? Do I act like nothing happened around him--should I be affectionate or should I hold back?

Any help would be greatly appreciated!

~Kelly

[doctora]

Hi;

I suffer from Bi-Polar 1, and Schizoeffective Disorder, and I exhibited the symptoms of what you were writing about your boyfriend.

It is hard for someone with Bi-Polar to have solid close relationships, mainly due to the fact that you can hardly trust your own mind, never the less trust that the person who you are having a relationship with will be able to accept and stand by you, during your worse times.

Im sure from his point of view he is not sure whether he wants to drag you into his issues, as they can be very hurtful to others, especially if not treated.

I put my family and spouse through hell, and I do mean hell, but I have been lucky that they have come around to give me a second chance, with them having a better understanding of what I am going through.

Im sure he still loves you, but he has to work on himself first. I would first suggest that he speaks to his Dr. and gets medication to control the ups and downs. From your end, showing affection and understanding goes a long way, even though you may not understand the why's.  Also motiviating him to go out to have a good time, or even a walk can go a long way. It is not easy living with someone who has bi-polar or depression, but if it is true love your understanding, even in the worse situations will go a long way.

Hope this helps.

[KellyLynn82]

Thanks so much for replying! He has said repeatedly that he doesn't want to bring me down with his issues...and I've told him repeatedly that I want to be there for him no matter what. In fact, when I told him I have been reading more about bipolar, he got upset and told me to stop because it was making me worry. I just want to learn all I can so I know what I can do to help him and us--When to give him space and when to shower him with love and attention even though he may not want it. We were close to celebrating a year together, maybe he was afraid if we got any more serious, I'd start to see more of the bipolar. I wish he'd open up, but I'm not going to push him anymore. I'm just going to focus on having fun with him.

[Xila31]

That is something that I also feel when I am having problems. I don't want to be burden on my family. I don't want them to worry about me or be stressed out. I don't want them to be down or feel unloved or wanted. But sometimes I cause these emotions because I can't function normally and then it can make me worse. It is not something that is easy. I also have a lot of indifference and aloofness. Sometimes I wonder if it the BP or if it is a defense mechanism. I'm not able to say. But sometimes I just can't feel things and sometimes I feel them too much.

I would say as long as he wants you around, be there for him. But also take care of yourself and know that if you stay in a relationship with it will probably never be easy. You will always have problems like this, or meds, or doctors, and so on. Just like being with someone with cancer or diabetes this is not something that will magically one day go away. So, if you don't believe you are able to handle it long term, you need to be honest sooner than later.  

[adel_ezz]

I am afraid he seems to be caught into depression or euthymia. When depressed you are indifferent and frustrated towards everything. Besides "relationships" which constitutes the spicy part in an affair cools down automatically, so love and affection must decline.

So either you wait until he catches up again and this happens with time with an on and off and you will get accustomed to that, or that he is searching for an excuse to quit, which is most unlikely giving the fact he is BP and relationships are not available all the time. In my view, BP are difficult to get convinced by a relationship because they have reflexions abt it all the time, questionning it regularly. So 10 months is a large period meaning he enjoyed this relationship long enough.

so i would be patient that's all.

stop reading about BP, every case is different  

[adel_ezz]

iterating

do you mention marriage all the time or the sort with him in your conversation, because BP panick towards a responsibility,i would leave matters to develop by themselves in case you seek a long relationship

[KellyLynn82]

Thanks for replying everyone! I never put pressure on him to get married or move in together or anything like that because I'm not ready for that myself. When we began the break, he said he coudn't deal with the pressure of a relationship, which confused me because I tried really hard to take our relationship slow. But I realize now that I think he meant trying to up with me regarding feelings. I tend to go overboard showing love and affection in all my relationships, and I think he felt pressue because he knew he couldn't love me at the same level I was loving him.

That's just one of my theories anyway.

He keeps mentioning how much he hates the fall, and he says he just feels OK...not great, not bad. So I agree about him being in a depression. I asked him if this was all a way for him to let me down easy and end our relationship, and he assured me that it wasn't...he just needed time.

We had a great phone conversation last night--we didn't talk about our relationship--lots of laughing. We're going to see each other this weekend for the first time in a month, so I'm just going to keep conversations light and fun. I'm also going to try and reel my heart in a bit, so he doesn't feel pressure to do more than he feels.

I've tried walking away from this relationship, but something keeps pulling me back in. It's been a real battle between my head and my heart. I love him and want to be with him, even though I know it's not going to be an easy road.

[jmag300]

That what you feal seams to be a higher level of loving kindness yes, but....if it was just a little bit higher, you'd rather have the fealing of disapointment rather than the one of porposly misplaced love,,,, not with him! but with his choice of perhaps being more open and not, eather about the truth...or about the truth of a lie. But draging you in the middle sux. He Might as well drag you down in the edges too like he's saying he doesnt want to, but yet still lets you make a mistake.
But dont know anything, I guess my BP still lets me be true, even in the worse ends of deception.
Feeling sorry for one self make anybody smaller, but beleiving we deserve to be let love someone....that I say shouldnt be waisted.

[ApRiLGeTsAngry77]

I am sorry for you recent troubles with your boyfriend. The things you have explained are things that an average person can experience. I am not sure if this is tied to being bipolar as much as it is tied to be human. You certainly can not make someone get a spark back. The best thing to do is give him time to sort out his feelings. Wishing you the best!

[heyjude1]

I don't know that I should even put in my 2 cents on this subject as I have always had a terrible time with relationships...I am bipolar also.
But, if he is not there for you emotionally and physically it can cause you emotional problems as well.  It is not fair for you to sit and wait for him to feel like being around you.  I know love and care for him but you also have to look after your own happiness.  Are you happy living like this in a relationship...I would think not.  I think you really neet to look at how this is effecting you an your happiness too.