Intrusive suicidal thoughts while stable?

Lately, I've been noticing that despite the relative stability of my mood right now, I keep getting fleeting, intrusive thoughts about suicide. I would not classify it as suicidal ideation, but simply as a flashing image of my committing a particular act of self destruction. It isn't in reaction to any particular stress; in fact it seems to happen when I'm simply going about my mundane daily routine, thinking about neutral topics as my mind wanders. I have no desire whatsoever to act upon these thoughts, and I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this sort of thing. These thoughts/images are not causing me distress, just piquing my curiosity. Perhaps this is a cognitive pattern that I've grown accustomed to while depressed, and now it's coming back in flashes for no particular reason?

[ILADVOCATE]

It seems like the moodswings of some kind may be returning but right now you can only experience them occassionally and they may start to become worse later on. Episodes of mania and depression don't always start all at once and these could be warning signs. Best to speak to your psychiatrist about it just to let them know and they could keep track of it.

[shay69]

I experience repetitive intrusive thoughts often. They are very bothersome to me. I'm not yet sure what causes them but I'll be taking it up with my pdoc as soon as I get in there on the 22'nd. The ones I have right now are about suicide also.Good luck and I hope they get better. Let your doctor know so they can figure out whats up.

[shay69]

p.s. I'm also in a Manic state right now.

[Xila31]

I have intrusive thoughts a lot. It mostly used to be suicide, but I have other thoughts that are self harm and actually scare me more than the suicide thoughts. (At least with suicide thoughts I understand them, I've had them for so long.) Like you say, these thoughts are not ones I would act on and come randomly, sometimes repetitively. I've had them for at least 18 years or so and they dont' get worse. Actual suicidal ideation is totally different than these thoughts, I know exactly what you're talking about.

With the suicide thoughts in general, these thoughts are not an active thought, not a plan, not a desire, not even a threat. It is just sort of comes and goes. Once I get a psychologist full time it is something I want to discuss. But, I see suicide as a little demon that lives inside my head. Usually, it just sits in a shadow so it seems like it is gone, but it is just hidden. To remind me that it's there, it sort of peeks out at me, but goes right back to hiding. Only when things are really bad does it come out and attack. Do you see what I'm saying? This is my own personal belief and not anything a doctor said, but I believe that people with suicidal ideation are always, always at risk. It is a major symptom of bipolar and a dangerous one.

So, just pay attention and talk to your doctor about it. I hope this helps.

[moonpanda]

This is all excellent advice, thank you very much. Unfortunately, these thoughts have started to morph into actual ideation since I posted the initial question. I'm going to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist here for as soon as they can squeeze me in (I live in Canada for university, and I'm between pdocs at the uni at the moment (my awesome one went on maternity leave, her replacement was a terrible fit for me, so I'm in the process of switching... but I digress)).

To be honest, my mood is feeling so strange at the moment that I'm not quite sure what's going on. It'll be good to speak with someone who can help me pick apart whether or not what I'm feeling is medication induced or a warning sign for oncoming depression. I might even drop in the university's clinic for an emergency consult if this contemplation progresses. I totally understand what you said, Xila, about the little demon that lurks and pops in from time to time. I don't want to give in to its urges and suggestions, but it has happened in the not so distant past when things got to that unbearable point, so knowing that, I shouldn't take this symptom lightly!

Many thanks again, you all.