Is it worth it?

[Cre8ivmommy]

Ready To Fade Away

comparison is the antidote to excuse yourself from blame,
hiding in anothers image sheltered safe from shame,
your life's a blur, you don't know why, it was not that long ago,
you'd hide the scars upon your wrists, so noone would ever know,the blood flows oh so solid in that calming deep rich red,
and as the cut runs deeper the voices quieten in your head,
control is at a magnitude, the pain won't be as much,
zoned into your own existence til you're wakened by a touch,
panic striken people wonder what the hell is wrong,
calmness fills your soul as you know it wont be long,
it wasn't your intention but if it happens it's ok,
cause death doesnt quite seem that bad as facing a new day,a permanent solution to a temporary wrong,
the temporary problem is there's still air in your lungs,
but noone knows the pain you feel,
the indegestive burning is real,
there's nothing more really left to say, ur ready to fade away,the blood flows oh so solid in that calming deep rich red,
and as the cut runs deeper the voices quieten in your head,
control is at a magnitude, the pain won't be as much,
zoned into your own existence til you're wakened by a touch,
panic striken people wonder what the hell is wrong,
calmness fills your soul as you know it wont be long,
it wasn't your intention but if it happens it's ok,
cause death doesnt quite seem that bad as facing a new day,
you're ready to fade away...
you're ready to fade away...
nothing you nor they can say...
just take it all away,
you're ready to fade away...but inside you eat you up, no longer can you chalk it up to luck,
with every morning another part gives up, til u just dont give a ****,
you've given up you've given up
tired of hearing it'll be ok..
or whatever else they're trained to say,
you're ready to fade away.. fade away..
you're ready to fade away
the blood flows oh so solid in that calming deep rich red,
and as the cut runs deeper the voices quieten in your head,
control is at a magnitude, the pain won't be as much,
zoned into your own existence til you're wakened by a touch,
panicked striken people wonder what the hell is wrong,
calmness fills your soul as you know it wont be long,
it wasn't your intention but if it happens it's ok,
cause death doesnt quite seem that bad as facing a new day,
you're ready to fade away...
you're ready to fade away...
nothing you nor they can say...
just take it all away,
you're ready to fade away

[Cre8ivmommy]

Thanks for the feedback. I do keep my little Tyler forefront in my mind always. A part of the problem is that he isn't biologically mine so when my partner leves he will be gone too. I was supposed to go inpatient but it's not convenient for her so I will be staying home and battling this one out alone. Thankfully I didn't feel suicidal at all yesterday today I woke up with that lump in my throat just really sad like. Not sure what I am going to do to distract myself today. The house is spotless already.  Suggestions?

[gho7]

Beautifully said Midijane - so few words and yet so thoughtful...

[gho7]

Big hugs and lots of positive thoughts and energy to you...  Try to keep thinking your little babe and if he is what keeps you hanging in, try to push him and your love for him (&his for you) to the forefront of your mind to help block the bad thoughts...  I hate to use the cliche "I know how you feel" but I truly do and I'm so thankful that I have my nearly 3 year old daughter and partner, as at times they are the only ones that prevent me doing something silly whilst also reminding me of the times when I do feel ok and how precious they are.. Thank gawd for those time when life feels "normal" hey...?  I'm in Australia&am really shattered so need to try for some sleep but just wanted to add that I lost a beautiful friend through suicide 15 years ago.. She was such a happy go lucky free spirited girl... No-one knows why&no-one ever knew any depressive/manic or remotely ill side to her...  But she so sadly left behind a little boy... He was 7 or 8, his parents had been separated for a few years but amicably and still retained a good friendship.. That little boy is now 22yrs old and has grown into a very successful, smart&sensitive young man.. His Mum would be soooooo proud... But sadly, he has suffered, still suffers and will forever suffer because of the devastating loss if his Mum...  He suffers through his loss of her, missing her, questioning why she left him - was it something he did...?  He also suffers extreme anxiety/panic attacks/PTSD... And he will never, ever properly recover from his loss or grief...  Please, I so haven't told you that story to make you feel any guilt or pain but only to share with you and say please keep thinking of your boy and know how important it is to for you to hang on for him yes... but also for you... Take much care of you and I'm sure we'll cyber chat again!  More hugs OxOxO

[Cre8ivmommy]

Well I have gone off my meds and I was doing great for the most part but insecurities developed with my girlfriend of four years. I was convinced she was cheating on me and the stress and worrying I believe kicked in my PTSD symptoms. I started having flashbacks again and before I knew it I became completely depressed. Now I have rapid mood changes and emotional outbursts. I can't stop crying all the time. I have suicidal and homicidal fantasies at which time all the emotions are gone and I feel nothing but cold and calculated. Last week I was putting away dishes and I just took the knife to my wrist without a second thought. It was almost liike a way to just exhume some sort of power and control during suh a chaotic and scattered mess of emotions that I can't control. Yesterday my gf and I fought again and she broke up with me. I immediately turned to my countless bottles of failed medication remembering what a dr had once told me. Lithium when overdosed on is as lethal as a gun to the head. The only thing stopping me was my 3 yr old son being home and my friend at work so she couldn't watch him. That was when I wrote the above poem/song. The best writing comes from extreme emotion I find. There you have it. Today is a new day am as fate would have it I don't have a ride to the hospital.  I haven't slept in 3 days and feel somewhat delirious. I am diagnosed with mixed bipolar and well we shall see.  Thanks for listening.

[Midijane]

You have a true gift in writing.
Take care of yourself and keep posting here. We are listening :)

[Cre8ivmommy]

Thanks. No I'm not ok but probably going back into the hospital tomorrow

[gho7]

Wow...  Your poem is amazing... Hope you're ok...?