Mostly a rant, but are you easily offended or is that you're offensive?

[Twelvesgirl]

So my husband talked to me last night about how I am with his mother. She is partial to my (step)daughter, I understand this. From the start she told me she didn't love my son (her step grandson) because they don't have the gramma grandson relationship. She wouldn't let him do things w/ her and my daughter and it would upset me. I would constantly ask my husband to speak w/ her about it. He never did. I've had a hard time trusting her and letting myself open up to their gramma grandson relationship since then. Well apparently she told him that I have hurt her feelings and that I'm too easily offended by the things that she says about him and the things that she does. Which I am, but I feel like the track record has a lot to do with it.

Then he continued on to say that not only is it his mother that I have a hard time getting along with but women in general. He said that maybe its me. Maybe I'm the offensive one. Maybe I'm the one doing the offending. He said why is it that everyone is out to get you all the time? I said not everyone is out to get me, over bearing women are the women I can't get along with. People who need to be in control of EVERYTHING all of the time. He told me of his friends wife who is like this and he doesn't like her, I've met her once and she barely looked at me, he wants to go dirtbiking w/ them this weekend. I'm a nervous wreck to go, because she is this way,and I don't want to have to try to be friends with someone who doesn't want to be friends w/ me. He said that this is a sign that its my problem, I put off offensive vibes. I didn't make her ignore me the first time we met, I was very nice to her. It stresses me out, I don't like to feel inferior. I just can't get him to understand that the stress hurts me, it makes me angry and sad, it makes the relationships worse. He thinks that its best to make myself get out there, when really its best if I could just avoid it sometimes. He said he was just telling me this to try to make the relationship better w/ his mom, I told him that if that was the case why did he bring up that I was offensive to all other women? He said he wanted to help me figure out what is wrong with me...

I just said that I was sorry that he thought there was something wrong with me. He said I was twisting his words. I think hes twisting my personality.

I know that feeling like everyone is out to get you could be a type of delusion. I don't feel like this is the case, I have never had a bunch of female relationships in my life, I do have 3 or 4 close female friends that I've had for 15 or more years, but I grew up w/ my brother and his friends, and I am more comfortable in that environment.

This is something that is ongoing, when these people are in good moods they treat me very well and it is very easy to get along with them. But I am very easy to pick on as well, its easy to take a bad mood out on me. If I'm too quiet I'm perceived as being a bi*tch or I don't like them, if I am trying to converse w/ them and make things better I'm a fake. I just want to say to hell w/ the whole thing. How do I open myself up to let his mom get to know my son? He's so amazing, I just don't want her to hurt him.

Anyway like the title says, not much of a question but I just needed to tell someone, I'm a real mess this morning. Maybe something is wrong with me, on top of all of the other stuff wrong with me, there is something else wrong with me.

[zzzmykids]

Let's start with Gayle S.  I hated her when she came to the grocery store I worked at. Until then it was an old lady and me.  The old lady hated me, lol.  Loved Gayle and the manager's favorite became Gayle, grrrrrr. Well with in a month we were friends and that was over thirty one years ago and we still are great friends, live far away but visit.
My sister, I will never understand and if you understand the three circle principle, here it is. 3-5 inner most trusted circle...earned by each one of them. 10 in the next  circle and they are friends but not the ones you call in a crisis or need an oppinion.  The rest of the world is in the outer circle past the barrier of the first two circles.  You accomodate them but allow nothing they say to "stick".  Be a duck and let it wash off your back.
Some people just don't like women with brains, sometimes an educated mouth and a presence about them.  Twelvesgirl, you need alone time with your stepson.
Your mom is wrong and really laying it on thick to keep you belly up and in your alotted spot.
Go on the atm riding, be pleasant, help, converse but do not allow someone with inferior coping skills and probably jealous of others to allow you not to have a wonderful time with your stepson.
Wait till you have inlaws, now that is a trip.  Family get togethers, differences of lifestyle and education. My oldest married nine years and at first the mom in law just wanted to adopt our daughter like she was her mom.  I let her know gently that my daughter and I would be doing some things by ourselves and with the grandbabies and she could as well but we didn't have to do them all together all the time.  We are great friends, have same values and the only time she ticks me off is when she orders me around in my own kitchen, lol.  The other is marrying in the spring.  He is an only child, ugh.  Both my parents were. His parents, I believe are alcoholics and when we go out for some reason it is always to the 30 dollars a plate places which we do not enjoy.  So we solved it by having dinners at there home and then at ours.  The wedding will have alcohol.  My daughter didn't want it at her wedding but her fiance's parents did so we are compromising.
Hang in there, compromise, stay strong and remember your three circles, these may have to stay in the tolerating and biting your tongue area number 3.
Hang in there,
zzzmykids

[Twelvesgirl]

Thank you for taking the time to read this! Geez I really didn't realize how long it was! I have heard of the circle but haven't thought much of it lately. I really don't consider my mother in law in the inner 2 circles! She hurts me with her tactless words.

I wish she would spend time with my son, but she has never asked to spend time with him alone to get to know him.

I hate to feel that my husband thinks I'm such an offensive person, that makes me so sad, I've not felt so sad in quite some time.

[cowgirlnerd]

Your mother-in-law is a terd*-head.  Just because he didn't come from HER son???  Whatever!  I can only imagine the hurt he must feel.  

Your husband needs to understand the lion protecting her cub - and you are protecting the cub.  I would be horrible!  

Don't worry about offending people.  We don't have to like everyone.

[zzzmykids]

As usual cowgirl was concise, to the point and right. Oh, I had a fantastic relationship with my mother in law for ten years, then we sold out of the family business and I took her grandbabies and son away.  She didn't speak to any of us for almost ten years. My father in law past away, we went to the funeral and from that point have been in the family since.  During the time hubby was apart from his three brothers, dad and especially his mom he grew a pair and always backs me, makes a difference.  One of my kids still has a problem visiting that side but it is her choice.
zzzmykids

[Xila31]

I don't know but to me it sounds like your mother-in-law is manipulative. There is a study that says women are more likely not to get along with their mother-in-law. Some women just can't let go of their baby boy and it is a power struggle and drama. It is unfortunate it seems to be this way with her when there is really no need for it. It is also horrible how she is about your son! That type of behavior really angers me.

I think, yes, it is harder for us to get along with people due to our moods. We are also more likely to think "everyone is out to get me." But I think sometimes when you have a legitimate reason to think someone is being unkind, unfair, or whatever that then people use it against you. "You always think everyone is out to get you!" Sure, it can be a delusion, but sometimes people really are just jerks. >.>

[CrzyBeautiful1]

I don't think ur concerns should be blamed on bipolar disorder. I mean, yeah, we may be more unstable with our thoughts and feelings, but ANYONE would have these concerns. Its a mother's natural instinct to protect her children and look out for their best interests.

You have the same concerns I have everyday. My son is especially emotionally sensitive, and I don't want my kids feeling "left out" or less important to my in-laws because they aren't biologically related. I've never been in a situation where my kids were the step kids or step grandkids, so this is a first for me. And my son is always talking about how he wants to see his daddy, but unfortunetly their dad doesn't feel his kids are a priority, so I'm constantly worried that my son especially is going to grow up effected by this. He has a GREAT step dad, but I still find myself making sure my kids are treated with just as much love and fairness as his kids (my stepkids). I find myself noticing little subtle things and pointing out little ways that they aren't treated "as fair", and I'm beginning to wonder if its just in my head! I'm not saying that is the case with u, but I'm just saying in my own personal case, I start to feel this way during one of my rapid cycles. But I DEFINITELY know where ur coming from. Also, I too get along better with males than females. I know alot of women like this. I can't stand snoody women, and don't do well around them. I feel very uneasy and get alot of emotions about it.

[corlenbelspar]

It all sounds like a lose/lose situation all the way around.

[Twelvesgirl]

Thank you for your comments. It really does help to know that I may not be a completely delusional offensive bit*ch! I really don't feel like one! Lots of other women tell me I'm very sweet :) Don't get me wrong, I can be a very mean hearted sharp tongued person (I have even shown that side here before when I was just starting my medication). But I am usually very nice and even-tempered. I am sensitive though. But my husband knows that, and he has known that since we met, so he'll just have to deal with it too I guess. I wish I could just tell him to "grow a pair!" Thats awesome! I have told him he needs to cut the cord. Its painful to feel like you come after your husbands mother, how stupid is that to say? I've heard people say that before and I'm going come on, really? Paranoia! Its a strange place to be!

Anyway, she had 2 boys, my husband and his brother. And then my husband had girls w/ his ex. Our oldest is disabled (and perfect to me). So the youngest is like the daughter my mother in law never had, she has actually told me that. She is the apple of her eye. Shes done the boy thing already. I'm sick of thinking about her, I hate feeling inferior, I have thought so much about it, and I think what is always said is true. She makes people feel inferior because thats the way she feels. She always tells me she wants to be the skinniest, or the prettiest, she wants to have the nicest clothes and wear brand names. She told me that I don't care about the way I look, I just wear jeans and a T, no make up, and a pony tail. That I should really start taking better care of myself. I do need to let it roll off of my back, because I think she feels bad about herself. Atleast thats what I'll start telling myself! Wow! I'll stop now!

Corlenbelspar-that is really good advice! Wait was that advice? Your probably right though, you can't teach an old dog new tricks sometimes. I always enjoy your comments :)

[zzzmykids]

Teeshirt and jeans, wranglers if a name brand other than that Kohl's brand are great fit.
Ponytail gone, I'm fifty three and two years ago opted for short hair.
Kids wore jeans from second hand store and tops on clearance.
They still are tshirt and jeans, drop dead gorgeous, one married and continuing the fad and the other about to be married.
zzzmykids
Be yourself always!

[CrzyBeautiful1]

My biggest issue with my ex husband was feeling inferior to his mom. I've also told him to cut the cord many times, and that I felt like we had a 3-way marriage, or more like they were in the marriage and I was another kid. He is her only child, and she did control EVERYTHING in our lives...and I mean everything. She bought the house for us that we lived in, my van was in her name, she paid our bills because we couldn't. She would come over and tell me how my house was "suppose" to be decorated, and I wasn't allowed to let her know about certain purchases we made because of the bills she was paying for us. She would tell me how to raise my kids and just all around treated me like a child. My ex let it happen though...he was 22 yrs older than me, and blew his money on stuff instead of paying bills. He did so much to allow the control. Her and I got into it alot because I wasn't submissive to her like he was. It caused us too many problems

[cowgirlnerd]

Thanks for the compliment!  I try to be concise - but being to the point AND right!  YEAH!

Rach

[RichReligion]

I'm just sensitive to stupidity. I dont let anything get by me: and why should I. So, I guess that I could be offended, therefore, causing me to offend.
Because I may be a lil Paranoid should I take a subliminal "he's a wierdo," or what ever insult people throw up in the air?
"Mind ur own and you'll live longer" is what I live by. I don't stick my nose in ur business and you dont stick urs in mine.
If I don't insult you then you dont insult me..
so in other words "Beware of dog."

[cowgirlnerd]

I'm sorry you went through that.  I went through something similar, but I just started ignoring them and it got better.  If you are in a financially linked relationship, however, I can see how it would be hard.

I hope things are better for you now!

[RichReligion]

I try! There has to be other forces behind this, i'm convinced. This is way unreal. You ever watch the movie "Fallen" with Denzel washington? Cant run. Cant hide.