PLEASE HELP ????

My fiance is very defensive, unreasonable, and has torn up the house. His anger gets out of control and I don't understand why. He has not hit me or the kids, but I fear it might happen. People have suggested Bipolar is the possible problem, but his symptoms don't match this illness. I cannot talk to him, and I cannot reason with him. He states that he doesn't let anything bother him, and can sleep under awful emotional situations that would normally keep people awake at night. He sleeps alot. He is a police officer so he is able to takes naps all the time through out the day when nothing is happening. He has stated during his moments of rage that "he didn't say this, or he didn't do that", and makes me feel like I am crazy. He is not accountable, or dependable in any way. Yet, crazy as this sounds, he can go from the MOST loving person and within a second go off the deep end in anger and say /  do the most hurtful things. I need help !! He has been to counseling and it is not helping. I have been with him for about 2 yrs. I do not want to marry him if he doesn't change or get help. He is very jealous over me, and very protective. But, he is not protecting me from Himself. What other illness could I possibly look at as being something he may have? I am so desperate. I am not sleeping, eating or functioning well. I love him deeply and would love to be with him. But, I am so miserable. He keeps telling me that the "hyde" guy is gone. He is not going to do this anymore. But, it keeps happening. PLEASE HELP !!!  I don't know what to say to him or how to tell him that I think he has a mental problem. I feel if I do it will end up with another violent outburst. I can't handle that right now. Please guide me and give me any solutions as to which way to go and what to do. Thank you so much.

[Crystlas]

Sounds like my ex-husband.  He was EXACTLY like your fiance when we were engaged.  As soon as we got married he started hitting me.  GET OUT is all I have to say.  Go look up the 15 signs of domestic violence and you will see the warning signs fit your fiance.  I have bipolar disorder and this does not sound like it at all.  Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde is classically an abusive persona in an individual.  GET OUT before it is too late and he harms you or your children.  The first time you see him hit your children you will go off the deep end, trust me.  You do not want that to happen.  Usually an abuser acts like this before he becomes physically abusive.  I lived it, I know!  Good luck.  

[GoldDontRust]

Crystlas has said it all, I have not been in your situation but my daughter has, she and her 3 children ended up in a womens refuge hundreds of miles away from all the family, she went through years of him smashing everything in the house up before he ever raised his hand to her, what you have said sounds typical of an abusive/controlling man.
You need to get out for your own sanity and and self preservation.
The behaviour your seeing is who he is you cannot change him, dont waste any more time on him, a one parent family is much better than you and your children living in fear.

[RubyShooz]

I agree with the others.  People always get WORSE after the marriage.  If you are unsure now, believe me, it can only get worse later on.  You must get away from this man at once, if not for your own sake then for the sake of your children's safety and well-being.
You deserve much better than this.  I would not blame all his problems on bipolar -- it seems like he has too many serious issues that he has created for himself and I don't think bp meds or therapy would help with that.  He is a LOSER.

[hell1971]

Hi I dont know much about bipolar or domestic violence but all I can say is that police officers have a very hard job and see lots of disturbing things and this could be a way of venting his anger at his exposure, however I also know that children a very influenced by the role models around them, if you stay with this man and he does not get help you are exposing your children to danger and a life of emotional termoil, these kids that come out of enviroments like this can have difficulties with anger management themselves. I think you know what you have to do, trust your guts they have never let me down in the passed. If he has had help and he hasnt changed then leave, you will and you deserve a better life. Life is what we make it, everyone faces challenges and usually the hardest choices are usually the right ones.
Do it for the kids if not for yourself. If you want confirmation, read about domestic violence and emotional dysfunction in children and the effects of violence in the home on children.
Violence doesnt have to mean hitting you or your children but if he is like this now then the odds are highly stacked against him when you look at stats, marriage will only make things worse not better. Good luck, life is too short to waist

[RJ233]

I can tell you from experience. I married my high school sweetheart and was with him 14 yrs. I have 3 children (all grown now). He will get worse, you can believe that. We seperated and divorced more than 20 yrs ago and he abused every woman in his life so far. He beat me often and bad. My children went through a lot because of him. I'm the bi-polar one. It is a good thing my episodes had not manifested during that time period. I may have fought back a lot better! My voice-box is partially paralized from being hit in the throat. He will eventually abuse your children, in one way or another. Someone like that you can not trust, at all. Since he is a policeman, he may very well think he is above the law. I spent a lot of my life trying to help or change that man. It does not happen. They are what they are. You don't deserve that, and like has been said, life is too short. You get out or get him out, which ever way it goes. He will promise you the world to go back with him. I tried that road and it got worse. It takes two to love each other. He is bad and with a temper like that, if he hurts one of your children, you will never forgive yourself. Children need to be brought up in a stable environment of love, inspiration, peace, guidence. You need to make your relationship with your kids stronger and get him away, before he causes them real problems just like has been said. I lived that nightmare. My daughter called the police on him one night because of him beating me and throwing me and then pulled out a gun. You are wide open for any situation. Once I got out of that, I could not believe what peace was like. Listen to all of these people. They are all telling you the same thing. Wish you the best and your children

[shortcircuited]

He could have explosive disorder or some other thing, but you are not going to find an easy way to "fix" him.  Get out now before it is too late.  

(In my experience professionally working with police, there is sometimes little different between the police officer and the criminal.)

[Crystlas]

Great comments to all.  Yeah, I agree with the policeman issues and what they experience in their professions.  However, that is NO EXCUSE to be abusive.   Wasn't that movie with Julie Roberts "Sleeping with an Enemy", where she was married to a policeman?  I think so.  He used the judicial system against her claiming that he was not abusive to his fellow policemen and she had no rights.  This senerio seems too realistic to not be for real.  What if you do stay with him and lose your rights because he has an entire police force thinking he is "top dog" and a wonderful officer?  Then you have no one to turn to when he does start hitting you and your children.  The police force will back your husband 100%.  Most abusers look "peachy keen" to the outside world and no one has a clue what he or she does behind closed doors.  GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!