People you can trust

[Elektra_Demons]

How come is it that the friends you are closest to don't get that someone who has bipolar disorder needs to be stress free? Why is it that they seem to add to it? They bamboozle you with their screwed up logic and don't listen? At this rate I'm note going to have any friends at all! I HATE BIPOLAR!!!!!!!!!!!

[ILADVOCATE]

I agree that friends can be difficult or not understanding about people with bipolar but life for anyone can never be completely stress free. Its important to keep track of stressors in your life so they don't get out of hand. And if your friends are doing specific things to stress you out its important to explain to them what they are and to work out accomodations so that they don't happen and find out solutions so your friends aren't the source of this.

[Elektra_Demons]

How do you propose I go about this coz I don't want people to think I am just using BP as some kind of excuse.

[Lizz67]

I just wrote a giant journal entry about the same thing.  I don't know how to make friends understand our needs.  Some discussion is neccessary if want to give the relationships a chance.

But I don't know how to get someone not to believe you are using it as an excuse. Not everyone will think so, but some may, and that's where you see who your "friends" really are.

I think many, many of us have lost friendships over our BP. Some friends don't understand the symptoms or needs.  Some can't deal with mood swings or having a friend who is somewhat delicate.

I just decided to start telling one of my friends the truth and about some of my actions (like running out of meds because I'm too depressed to go out for a few days.)
I don't know if he understands, but he hasn't rejected me yet.  But I do feel like no man will want to be with me because of this. B/c of fear, or not wanting a high-maintenance woman.

But to give you something positive - I still have some friends.  Just a few right now.  But the people who've dropped away...I don't grieve the loss much any more.  They were just false friends and good riddance.

I hope this helps at least to know I can really relate.

[bernie40]

I try not to let their opinions of me get to me, ie, if they think I'm using BP as an excuse then that is their problem and not mine.  No this isn't easy and I have twisted myself in knots over it many times.

I have few friends now, I like it that way.  The ones I've got I've been very open with, I've told them exactly what I'm like and that although i'm sorry by some of my behaviour it is something I cannot always control.  I ask them to accept me warts and all and to try not to be offended when I go into hibernation mode, moody mood etc etc.

There are some people who will never accept BP or any other kind of mental illness, for various reasons - some because they are scared by it, some because they have issues of their own that they have not accepted.

[horselover65]

It is hard. Some people simply won't understand. I have an acquaintance who I will never consider a friend again because of her reaction. My husband and I had legitimate issues that had nothing to do with bipolar. These were multiple home repair issues that would upset anyone as the first 18 months or so in this home lead us to believe we'd bought a money pit. Her response was that my troubles were beyond what a friend could handle and I needed professional help. I tried to explain what was happening and that, in fact, my husband was equally upset. It made no difference. We didn't speak for months and I have kept her at arm's length ever since.

I have few friends. I would go so far as to say that my only close friend is my husband and the others are basically acquaintances. Several, I think, saw me as a "project" or something and others didn't understand that I wasn't willing to put their interests above my own and force myself to do things that I didn't enjoy for their benefit. I had "friends" for years that I later realized were not really my friends. After a decade of doing whatever necessary to keep their company, I got married and decided that I wasn't bending over backwards for these people any more. They quickly fell out of my life. I miss them sometimes, but it is better when you realize how much other people are controlling you. If I can't be a priority to someone, then I no longer make them a priority in my own life.

[monkeyc]

I have read this thread a few times now and thought about commenting and then not.. Don't know why its just one of those things..

I am open and up front with everyone about being Bipolar and that has cost me some friendships, and it cost me a big one last this year just going which hurt me, the person could not deal with the reality of me being mentally ill and I know thats because her sister committed suicide many years ago.

It makes me think sometimes its a two edged sword, honesty, but then again most of my friends are very supportive, they have even read about bipolar and ask me how I am going and how things are feeling - one of my best friends has PTSD from the London Bombings so we have lunch and talk about things and how our therapists are and so on, its sort of nice.

People in general do not listen - my wife loves me and she still cannot listen, its not just friends - they live in their own world and they have no idea about ours.  Its a chore to train them all and I would not try - I have just learned to be open and say hey I am bipolar and leave it at that - some days I am not fun to be with, so I avoid things, others Im fine - the majority of my friends can deal,  I dont have a huge circle of friends (who among us does i would venture?) but I value the ones I have.

As to my friend.  Hope she comes around eventually, painful memories to deal with, we still talk but not like we used to and I know she is scared she has inherited her sisters depression.  Sigh.

[charlydawn]

Over the last couple of years I have ran off a lot people but there was a good reason to do so cause I had a family and they did not and all they wanted to do when they came over was party it did not matter that he kids was home and i did not want to set a bad example for him plus they wanted to get into harder things, I was not willing to do that so thats when i started getting cyber bullied over myspace about being bp and I should do the world a favor and kill myself mind you these were my friends of five years saying this cause i chose my family over them, and they were the "normal ones". so now I don't reach out to make friends, if a person thinks i'm cool i will talk to them but it takes a long time for them to be a close friend  and that too runs people off to, so i decided the life of a loner is not that bad, It keeps the drama down. I have really awesome guys who love me for me and thats all i really need. so you just decide what worth it for you.

[Phtartist]

I believe like Monkeyc, that people "cannot" listen. People do "live in their own world".  

I've stopped trying to explain. Your friends won't need it and others won't hear it anyway.

The ones that won't hear it are different than the ones that cannot hear it.

My daughter cannot hear it. She doesn't want me to be sick, she doesn't want to be susceptible to it herself.  She loves me too much. She wants me to be "normal"

Some potential friends, I have found, can't be bothered, they live in their own world not confused with someone like me, who may add an element of the unknown to their life of Meatloaf on Monday, fish on Friday.

So, I risk being rejected after getting to know someone.  I hibernate, or don't call back, or suddenly get sick of them for some reason which I work out in my head and fix,  or inappropriately interact with them and well.........you know the rest.

My lifeboat to my surviving?  I believe - That is their choice. People come and go. God puts us all here to learn from each other. Either for a short time or a lifetime.  I am who I am.
     My "real" friends know I disappear for a bit. I stopped gallery sitting for a year and didn't do shows for over a year.  A real friend saw me back, said, "Truth" where have you been?"  I pointed to my head and told him I fell off the earth".  He got it, he is a friend.  Those are few and far between. Others I don't bother with.

All of you, be easy on yourselves. Stress triggers, let friends find you where you circulate.

[elwoodsf]

I learned a critical lesson ~ do not tell people at work! How stupid of me. I worked with these people for three years and when i shared with them my bipolar they started treating me like an invalid, unable to do my job. I ended up transferring to another school and I do not let on to anyone that I am bipolar. I take that back ~ I walked into a teachers room a few months ago and she was happily announcing that she was diagnosed with bipolar and she didn't care who knew. I very gently cautioned her to keep it on the down low, that repercussions could come her way as they did me. I ask her occasionally how she is doing and she tells me fine. Personally, I don't think she looks all that fine and is the stages of finding out what a mental illness really means. I can only reach out. I have lost family and friends to my diagnosis. They do not know how or what to do to help me. Many people want to "help" me out of it. I have a few friends, I used to have many friends. The many friends - I didn't fit in. The few are the best. I don't do the meatloaf on Monday, fish on Friday talking. I'm a deeper person. I make meatloaf just like the next person and I hate to cook anyway. It isn't other people's fault that I don't fit in. They are not deep thinkers like I am. Some of the greatest deep thinkers of all time had mental illness. I give thanks to much information from a very special college proffesor I had, and yes, he is bipolar.

[jexalexandra]

Yeah I can relate. I only have a few close friends, others are people I know. Even my close friends don't realize or completely understand what being bipolar is all about. Sometimes they give me stress and it really stresses me out. So often I just block it out and go into hiding so I don't have to talk to them about the stressing stuff. I cannot take stress well. I get angry and just don't understand. I struggled to understand my bell bill when my mom was trying to explain to me. I was stressed out and i just couldn't grasp the explanations.

I don't go around shouting to the world "I'm bipolar!  so don't **** me off" lol I just told a few of my closest friends in hopes they will have some understanding of why I go off in the deep end and hide from the world.

I think it's difficult to have close friends and families while being bipolar. They cannot understand what is going on in my head, and I cannot explain it to them. I tried explaining, but I felt like I was just making excuses for my actions. It *****, it's a never ending cycle.

[monkeyc]

everyone I work with knows I am bipolar, it has not affected me.  Then again my boss now is my last boss and knew and I might have been less open if that was not the case.

Its sad to see this happen - parricularly in a day where discrimination is actually illegal on health grounds in most countries.

[Elektra_Demons]

Thanx all for ur comments. Some of them have been very empowering. Particularly from ILADVOCATE who says "its important to explain to them what they are and to work out accomodations so that they don't happen and find out solutions so your friends aren't the source of this." I took this advice and explained to her about how her behaviour affects me in a really bad way. She opened up and told me her triggers so we agreed not to talk about certain subjects. And horselover65 who says "If I can't be a priority to someone, then I no longer make them a priority in my own life." I found this very empowering and a way of saying to my friend that 'sure, I will be selfish when it comes to my well-being and tough luck if you can't handle it.' She accepted this but also said I needed to be mindful of her needs. We finally came to the conclusion/decision/agreement that one or the other of us was getting upset by the conversation one of us would day "Red Sports Car!" I'll explain that comment. When my grandmother didn't want to talk about certain things or when the general conversation was heading into dangerous and argumentative waters she used to sat 'Let's talk about red sports cars' and you would not believe unless you try it how many times it does help to change the subject. It's quite funny actually how many people take the bait and start talking about sports cars. My grandmother was a very wise person.