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Avatar universal

Post mania depression..When will it end?

Greetings!  I have been off of a BP roller coaster ride since late last Summer, or maybe I am just on the bottom part, not sure.  I was dx with BP years ago and have never really taken medication for any extended period of time, atleast in the last 15 years.  As a teen, I went to a juvenile delinquent place where I was put on Prozac for about a year.  I had taken Paxil for about 2 years prior to that, and really haven't taken anything since.  I am not sure what causes the mania stages, and have only had 2 that I can recall.  One around age 27 and one at age 35.  Both times there were big life/relationship changes going on.  I had what I would call a text-book example of a BP episode: didn't require much sleep, exaggerated confidence, felt like I had boundless energy, I had people all around me and felt like the life of the party.  I was also drinking often and smoking a lot of weed.  I had been smoking since I was a teen, and drinking socially for about the same amount of time.  Towards the end of this most recent episode, the weed started to make me paranoid and more isolated.  I have smoked maybe 5 times since last October.  Now, I am in this rut of depression and am having trouble getting on with it.  I have plenty to be happy about, and have a weird guilt about being depressed in the first place.  I have a teenage son who has a barrage of his own issues.  I am in weekly one on one counseling, but am wondering if I shouldn't try an anti-depressant again.  I no longer smoke or drink and am trying to build a relationship with God.  I also feel like an *** talking about myself so much.  I would appreciate advice or just someone to share their similar experience.  Thanks for reading.  
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Avatar universal
Thanks for your support.  Some days I feel less desperate than others.  I kept praying that I would go back to normal but now am wondering if I ever will.  I would be content with a newer version of happy enough.  I feel like I am just going through the motions and am never excited about much.  Social situations are hard because I feel like my friends expect the entertaining person that I used to be.  I made an appt with my medical dr but it is several weeks away.  I am ready to try an antidepressant at least for awhile.  Thanks again for your support.
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1551327 tn?1514045867
Hello and welcome to the forum,
I am just coming out of the depression episode that has been going on since about November of last year.  I am also text book bipolar.
I can tell you that the anti-depressant might help but I am trying to do it med free.  Going at it without medicine is not something I would recommend to someone unless they have been through the cycles enough.  Tooth and nail requires a great deal of will and a lot of coping mechanisms.
I would definitely recommend doing something quick though.  You probably already know some of the things that I will tell you but just in case...
Those things that you feel you should be happy for only add to the guilt that comes with this type of depression episode.  I live in constant quilt... at least most of the time.  I tell people about my quilt and to them it seems silly.  I never really do anything evil but more on the bad side of good.  All humans require a certain amount of attention and love.  When we are manic we get plenty of attention and in turn we give out more than we do when we are depressed.  When we are depressed we often don't want attention but feel guilty for not being able to give attention to those we care about.  Once that guilt gets bad enough we may even turn on those that we love and lash out in anger.  Or we may self destruct and drink more, smoke more, or in my case take pain medication to give us the slight lift that we need just to be social.
Thing about alcohol and drugs that is great is that they are an immediate fix.  Depressed? take a drink... and so on but those types of drugs only add to the guilt because of the way they are perceived in our society.  I am not advocating the use of drugs.  I am just saying that we know drugs and alcohol work.  We also know that there are labels attached to them.... Alcoholic; drug addict.  No matter what we are going to have guilt or shame when we turn to those for our coping.
However, not only do the other pharmaceuticals work better, we can also feel proud that we are not using other substances that can detach us from our lives and feelings.
Being bipolar means that we feel too much or too little.  There seems to be little stability in it.  I either love everything and everyone or hate everything and everyone.  Recently I have been trying to allow myself to love some things and dislike some things.  This instead of trying to be indifferent.
I hope you come back whatever your choice is and you will find support here from people who struggle like you do.
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