Redirecting Negative Energy: Reasons to Live?

[ILADVOCATE]

I do notice people sometimes experience suicidal ideations (can't say I am immune) and of course at that time the best thing to do is speak to your psychiatrist immediately. But if they just disrupt your moods or train of thought from time to time and not your whole life besides speaking to your psychiatrist I've found for myself one excellent way to redirect is to post one reason you want to live and why life is worth living, family, friends, goals, etc. and then keep going from there. Since its common to experience this, I'd be interested if people could just post one positive reason they want to live and why life is worth living even if they sometimes feel otherwise. Think about it.

[hell1971]

As I have said many times to my docs and friends they should start to worry if I feel my children dont want me, otherwise this is my one reason I would never kill myself as I would not do that to them.

[Twelvesgirl]

My son, I always, always, think about my son. He is what keeps me here, he is what gets me out of bed in the morning. He is the sunshine in the darkness. His eyes sparkle, and his smile gives me hope.

[jst4shanell]

My family.  They teach me to not run from my triggers and face them head on.  Practice makes perfect.  They show me that I don't have to allow the Bipolar to control my life.  I have control in my life over everything.  I look at being Bipolar as a gift and not a curse.  I have been through and seen more things than most people could even imagine.  That's special.  People could learn a lot about emotions from me.  That's what keeps me going.

[farraway]

shanell
I'm with you! -  Bipolar's given me a life of adventure! - ok there's a few train wrecks but I wouldn't trade. Can I read your biography when you get around to it?

[christine66]

Like most people I experience those feelings in the middle of the night when I am alone. It always seems like a good idea then. The thing that as always managed to stop me is the fact I can,t do that to my family and freinds. I was once told by my daughter I can not die until I am nearly a hundred becasue she will hopefully have dementia by then and not know. She can,t imagine life with out me being around. How could I do it after that ? Also things do always change, we always have change possibly more then a lot of other people.

[corlenbelspar]

Well let's see here... Louise because we've been through a lot of real **** together that shouldn't ever have to happen to people and are still together and she may have her problems but she's a really good person and she's been so supportive where she stayed up as long as she could even though I kept telling her to go to sleep when I was going through withdrawal.

Friends I do have because they're really supportive and I feel like I can relate with them at least on one level or another which is something hard for me and they've not really done anything yet to really screw up like stab me in the back.

Writing music because it's cool when you make something and it gets an emotional reaction out of people like one of my songs from my album I'm working on about Chernobyl that actually scared people.

[Germur]

Because life can be wonderful once you can stabalize your moods.

[courtney_chaos]

bringing new life to the world!!
i am bipolar and have been diagnosed as since i was 14..
i think the only reason i am still alive today is because i look forward to having a child!
its the most beautiful thing in this entire world!!!

[LetaB]

Hmmmmm..................

[corlenbelspar]

I think I'd have to learn to get past some really traumatic experiences that happened to me that really screwed me up on a daily functioning basis that I hope therapy will help with before life could be really wonderful once my moods were stabilized.

[BeeKeeper]

This is something I struggle with more than i let others know.  I think even my therapist and Pdoc are tired of hearing it...so I just don't say anything anymore.

My sons are the ones that keep me in check.  I adore them...and as much as I often think they would be better without me, I can't find the justification to leave them with that memory.

My by-pass has been to cut.  It's a penance to pay i guess and is short of doing something more.  Is also a reminder of the enternal torment and the hurt I've caused others by inflicting the pain on myself.  Unfortunately that's where I've been this week...thinking of my sons and the reasons why I don't cross that gap from one pain to another.

[bernie40]

Guilt

[ILADVOCATE]

I'd feel as if I turned down a large number of people. Anything I've done to help people, initiate positive things to help society would stop and any societal injustice I've tried to stop would continue. Just thinking of the world getting on without me and not missing me gives me the drive to live where everything else fails. If people believe I don't have a place in this world if I left it it would be affirming their negativity. And in a strongly positive sense in working with people there would be too much left undone.

[billgonz1]

My relationship after 20 years . I'm still in love

[hell1971]

reading all these comments will now be added to my reason, I can take something from each of you. Its so good to have a forum like this, you all have got me through the most difficult 6 months of my life so thank you.

[bernie40]

It would be my own guilt at leaving my family behind and the knowledge that they would be left with feeling guilty that they hadn't done enough or that they were in some way responsible.  

I would say though that I am lucky that I haven't hit the all consuming black pit in 16 years and when I was in it I truly believed that everyone would be better off without me.  There was nothing that would convince me otherwise.

With me, suicide ideation has not led to suicide attempt.  My suicide attempts have always been very sudden, immediate decisions following deep depression.  No plans made in advance.  The thought came and was acted on within minutes.  I pray I never go to that place again.

With suicide ideation, which I do sometimes still go through, I think it all out, plan it, etc, this allows my "other side" to argue the reasons for staying alive, allows me to admit my feelings to others which in turn helps pull me back.

So, yes I do believe suicide ideation and negative thinking can be turned around.  I don't think the same can be said for those times when the decision is impulsive.

I'm sure I'm not alone in this.  I don't know because I've only ever heard people talk about planned suicide.  Are there others here who have made the impulsive decision to try and take their own life?

[LetaB]

Guilt? Is that any way to live? And who gives them the right? Guilt is what keeps me here also but I resent it. After all, I bore my children, I raised them with my whole heart - how can they ask for my endless suffering as well? That is what my logic says.

Of course I envision their crying faces.....it put me in this stubborn, ugly dillema.

[hell1971]

I know what you mean here, I have had one attempt and it was impulsive when I was young and nothing would have stopped me, although saying that I had no children then so who knows, other thoughts have always been rationalised and passed because I think of my kids and keep telling myself they will be damaged emotionally for life if I do this, this maybe because they too suffer from emotional issues and they too are young and still dependent, not sure how things will pan out later on as I have said before everyone should start to worry when I start to beleive they dont need me and they will be better off without me. All my plans involve an "accident" so I have already planned it so they just greive for the loss of a mother and dont think I have taken my own life which I have rationalised as being a better for them, but at the moment I know I am molding them and helping them grow into lovely adults and I am supporting them and they love me like I love them.

[LetaB]

I reread your last comment and yes, I have slit my wrists in anger - an instant "I'll show you" reaction when I was pretty young. But a much more serious attempts was planned and executed decades later. It is so much more simple to be instinctual about it than to go over and over the details.

[ILADVOCATE]

Yes but think about it. You didn't show them when you did that. You took some of the hatred people gave you and inflicted it on yourself. Guilt is not the whole reason you are here. You have done a lot for your children to help them. You have helped them be who they are and will be. Think of it that way.
  When I hear that people have difficulties or troubles it only gives me more of a reason to live. I feel that I cannot just be a bystander because that's how I've been treated by society. I want to give people a reason to live and enjoy life. And yes that gives me more reason to live. That's why I call it empowerment but whatever people call it I think its a healthy way of understanding life.

[lagatta]

In many ways my life is good.  Although I'm not rich, I am financially stable.  I have the means to travel, dine-out and enjoy the arts (all passions).  I have an emotionally stable husband who loves me unconditionally.  I have healthy parents.  It’s unfortunate that with my emotional state I cannot always enjoy these things.

Although I have a LOT of downs and mixed-states I also live my life with passion and energy.  I've been told by my relatives in Italy that although I was born and live in Canada, I'm 100% Italian!  Anyone who has visited and mingled with the locals in Southern Italy will attest to their pure joy and pride of living.  

I'm very unfortunate to have Bipolar, GAD and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder but I enjoy fairly good physical health.  

When I journal my suicidal plans I'm always able to talk myself out of them.  I have two main ones that go like this.  

1)  I will cash in all my RRSP's and live the high life for as long as possible (traveling, purchasing designer goods, eating the best foods) and when these funds run out I will commit suicide at a 5 star hotel in the finest of clothes and with a belly full of seafood.  But then I will think - what if I'm enjoying myself and don't want to end it?  Then I what will I do?  I will have gone through my entire retirement fund?  

2)  I will end my life to get back at the people that hurt me.  I will hope that they will feel remorse.  But then I'll get bummed out because I won't be able to witness their remorse.  What's the point of committing suicide to get back at people if you can't even enjoy it?   And what if they don’t feel remorse?  Again, I will have talked myself out it.

What can I say?   I'm a quirky girl and have quirky plans.
  

[freebird227]

Empowerment is a beautiful way to live.For me it began once I got the drugs out of my system 1985. Soon after I got clean I started having daytime delusions,extream mood swings and sucidial thoughts, So I went into therapy without any meds and started unravling my childhood trama of sexual abuse.Long story short..Suffered in silence for the next 7 years By 1992 I built up a very sucessful hair salon, pulled permits and  had my own house built, all while not being treated with meds.A BI- POLAR GIFT.
Eight years ago I was the one flying over the coo coo nest.What frightened me the most was...I couldn't get back. Full blown paranoid mania,took two weeks to stablize Many meds and combo of meds, open my eyes in the morning    the first thought was death.Somewhere deep inside I knew it was my illness even though my brain was screaming somethig different.
So through all the twist and turns my illness has taken me What has saved me has been working with other women in Recovery from drug addiction, childhood abuse,BP support.

And did I happen to mention My Gina.I could never leave her and my three beautiful grandchildren. Thats not the legacy I choose to leave behind. I have lost a lot on a material level the last 8 years( mainly my business). But I still have everthing that matters.
We have recently changed my meds. and I feel as good if not better than when I first went on Lithium * years ago.
So letaB don't give up before your miracle. Much love to you both....Debra

[LetaB]

  I said I slit my wrists in anger - I didn't say it wasn't stupid. Of course it was. That's why I never did that sort of thing again. I love the way you express it though as taking out the pain inflicted on us onto ourselves. I hadn't thought of it that way. That's what cutting and vengence inspired "suicide" attempts are. One is self hate and the other wants to shock.

  What miracle would that be, freebird? What was your own? It is not fair to assume that because I am bipolar I have no "real" circumstances that make it sensible for me to want to retire. That may have been YOUR situation but not mine. Do you know I made my pdoc teary eyed in a session telling him what has happened to me? Why do you think we are all predisposed to want to go on? It's biological - animalistic even. Purely instinctual to want to self preserve. Now, it is truly tragic when young, distraught people take their own lives - what was in their cards? They weren't psychic. But what about the terminally ill? And those in chronic pain? What are we all so frightened of anyway? You don't leave a "legacy" of death when you die - by what ever means. You leave the legacy of how you carried out your life. Is it utterly inconceivable that some of us are not, in fact, living? Are not equipped to do so? Are, sadly beyond "miracles"?
  I really think it is amazing how much time and thought y'all put into your answers here, trying so hard to assist, teach, intervene, and support. You deserve medals for this work. I don't always see eye to eye with all of you (and you know who you are) but I can see that you have the best intentions - usually - and are trying hard to understand (mostly). I want to have a day like Mother's Day for the unpaid, unsung counselors on this forum who have caused people to pick up a phone, take their meds, take stock, reconoitre . My, I DO go on sometimes. Thanks for so much thought and work. I've drunk it in.

[ILADVOCATE]

  There's nothing wrong with self expression and its normal to experience feelings of negativity. That said it makes sense to appreciate what we can. I don't think a person should force themself to tell people that they are enjoying life when they are not. I went through that in my teenage years before medication. I didn't tell people what was going on and I gave up because they said "don't worry, be happy" and other nonsense when I was blatantly unhappy with myself and the world. And medication is there as treatment. Its not there to make your life happy when it isn't for real reasons of emotional conflict and it won't. Mother's Day may make some people happy and it will make others feel unappreciated. That has nothing to do with any form of mental illness.
  People are human. We are entitled to our opinions. But suicidal ideations are always of concern. I wasn't posting to say that anyone was experiencing them but to find some coping solutions when we do. I myself try to do something practical and constructive to make my life worthwhile when there were times I felt otherwise. And if society undervalues me I want to challenge their ideology and prove them wrong. We all have our own approach to life.

[freebird227]

    My sponsor told me once that everyone is entiled to his or her's own experience of life,and choosing Not to be here is a viable opion.
My friend I only wish peace to you, I've seen it in your life since I've been on site.At this moment you seem to resent what I said, I'm OK with that. Reguardless I still care.

[bernie40]

Is suicide about self-hate and/or vengence?  I don't remember feeling either of those things, I just remember feeling so lost, so empty and a burden on all around me - is that self-hate?  I suppose it is in a sense.  I honestly believed that I would be making my parents lives better if I wasn't there - how odd when I look back, at how back to front my thought processes were at the time.  

Leta I don't see all of this - this forum - as "work".  I come here to receive support as much as to give it.  It gives me a sense of "normality" to know that others experience the weirdness of BP in the same way as I do.  I love seeing other people's take on situations etc, seeing all of us pull together at times and at other times almost "debating".  It keeps me mentally stimulated.

Leta you do yourself down so often and you shouldn't - because you do give excellent advice and offer much needed support.  I see us all as equal on here.  You are also a fantastic caring and insightful person!

I also come here for the contact with other people.  I don't tend to go out much and some days the only people I "speak" to outside of my immediate family, are the people on here.

Sorry, gone off topic a bit here....

[LetaB]

I'm sorry I sounded so abrupt. Rereading what I wrote to you I can see where you'd get that impression. No, REALLY, was there a defining miracle that made you suddenly want to go from wanting to leave to wanting to stay?
  You seem a very thoughtful and well meaning person and that is my opinion of you. I'm just so terribly unhappy it's hard for me to be friendly to people - I'm in my own ugly place. Please forgive my hasty words. I really do appreciate your taking the time out to try and reason with me - really.

[bastet56]

I have no more goals, I've seen my sons grow and have their own kids and with my medication problems I truly feel that if I run out of medication options I would rather not stay. That said however, my other half has told me that if I off myself he will too and I don't want that haunting me in my next life or wherever I end up so I am stuck.
  I'm glad you can find the urge to live somewhere in yourself. I'm glad whenever anyone can find a reason that pleases them to stay here. I just don't feel it.

[ILADVOCATE]

Medication options will increase in the coming years. For more information google "psychmeds123". If what is available now can't help there will be more options that promote a fuller recovery in the near future. As I've posted working with researchers to acheive that is one thing that makes me want to remain here regardless of anything else that happens. Don't give up on treatment. It will improve as will your life and there are practical things you can do for recovery in the meantime. If your life doesn't have enough meaningful activities find things that bring happinness and enjoyment in your life. Depending on people's level of recovery there are mental health support group, psychiatric clubhouses and everyday activities that anyone can participate in. It certainly would be worthwhile to join your local NAMI group.

[LetaB]

  Thank you, bulldozer. I know if I could stop feeling so stupid and full of SELF - self hate, self pity, self doubt - I would be more useful and easy going. I know I'm paranoid but truly some of what I fear is out there in store for me IS!
  You sure seem to know a lot of fun and affectionate people for one who doesn't get out much - REAL people - not only internet folks. How did that happen then? Also you seem to be more moderate - or at least more polite - about life.
  My life centers around my web contacts. My boys are at school and have social lives. My boyfriend's at work. This is what I look forward to when I wake up every day. I'd like to be more three dimensional but I'm continuing in this miasma. Today I hope to remember to contact the other psychiatrist available to me. If you don't hear from me for a while I'll be in treatment. I need an overhaul.

[bernie40]

There are only 2 "real" people I see regularly outside of my own little family unit and that's only maybe once a week or a fortnight.  I find it easier to communicate via here, e-mail or facebook because it doesn't seem to matter how **** I'm feeling I can usually pen something but without having to put on a physical appearance.  Up until a couple of years ago I was very sociable, always out, having fun blah blah and I stay in touch with some of those folks and they understand that I'm not a social butterfly anymore.  Some of them on the other hand couldn't accept the change in me - I don't give a hoot about them anymore.

My mum gave some good advice a while back, she said "Helen, get rid of the dead wood from your life, it'll only drag you down" - she was referring to some of my so called friends.

A normal day for me is, drag myself out of bed and onto the sofa, drink first cup of tea, make youngest daughter's breakfast, sit back on sofa, surf the web, drink more tea, try and summon energy to go and get showered and dressed, some days I don't do either, somedays both and sometimes just one or the other.  Plod around the house making half-hearted attempts at doing something, surf the web some more, go to sleep in the afternoon, wake up when kids get in from school etc etc

That is a normal day.  Today is one of those days and I'm struggling to remain cheerful, trying my best to be a "good" mummy as it's my daughter's birthday.  I've now made the cake, still needs decorating and I need to prepare the evening meal.  No chance of a sleep but want to go back to bed.  Need to keep smile plastered on and my temper on an even keel until bed-time.  May well have sudden bursts of energy and even happiness - let's hope so.

I then have odd days, sometimes consecutively (sp) where the energy remains, I feel good and I get lots done.  I even go out the front door!  If every day were like that then my life would indeed be good.  This would be considered normal for the majority of folks but for me it is akin to a mania in relation to my personal "norm".

Thanks (I think) for saying I'm moderate and polite about life - truth is I'm too tired to argue anymore.  Used to be known as the one who'd get things sorted, or "don't cross Helen" etc etc - I've given up, don't want to keep on fighting for everything I can't handle it anymore.

Sorry for the "me me me me" post, and for bearing my soul.  I'm guilty of putting on a mask even in here and I apologise for that but I think it's just built in, so now you "see" the real me.  An expert at faking being "ok".  

[blacksoul004]

for my art. gad gave me a woundefull talent and if i let go id be wasting the gift he gave me. id be throwing away all i have to offer the world. and that makes me important.!!!

Heidi

[rmoore]

My wife and kids.  There's so much I want to teach my sons and so much more I want to experience with my family.  I get these thoughts,,way too often at times, but I've seen the devastation that is left when someone chooses to use suicide as their escape.  

[adel_ezz]

When I saw your first post about valuing yourself and taking care of yourself, i felt for the 1st time you are in one of your lows. I tried to think of something to say. Yesterday, I didn't do anything at work thinking about you and i was sad. Each time i reach something to tell you and then revise your old posts i realised that i will not compare to yours. Then I imagined MEDHELP forum without you how would it taste. The first thing in the morning when i wake up before going to work I first look into BP forum for perhaps I find one of your new posts for me to benefit from. Several months ago, I thought you answer posts in the BP forum only, until i posted once a question in the depression forum managed by LeftCoastChick and was astonished to receive a reply from you. I even spoke once about my mother heart problems and found you concerned giving advise. If i think of someone deserving to be called the father of MEDHELP it will be you for sure.

Now you talk about suicide ideations, you are still in your lows. The question is not whether there is a reason to survive but rather WHY there is a reason to die. OF COURSE it's our damn illness, we feel crippled. Suicidal ideation is a state of mind for the weak who wants to escape. But who is the weak. Not the person who feels handicapped by his poor sight, or bad health but who lost track. I saw poor people wanting to live eagerly on the contrary very rich people wanting to die. So simply it's the state of our mind which tells us this. Some would tell you if i can find a way to die but not with pain then I would do it. He is lying in order to escape again. Psychologists will tell you that psych patients have to sit with others and frequent the society and this exactly what we do here. One major reason why Arabs don't commit suicide is two fold: they live in a large community with families and their religion like all the rest of the religions prohibiting suicide.

I will tell you all non-BP people also thought of the same ideation once in their life. Bankrupted people, defeated leaders, etc...feeling that they have no aim in their life so why keeping it. Those people can't face others. On the contrary we have nothing to fear. We are angry that is all sometimes from the society (should be more understanding of our illness) from our parents that they let us inherit it but none of us is ashamed of his situation.

Besides, watching others is educating. I came to the conclusion that happiness not only it's a state of the mind but occurs sometimes only. Otherwise we would have encountered people called happy. None of this happens this way. On the contrary people who experience pain enjoy more and much more the time when they are OK. My parents tell me when in recovery i keep singing happily and they tell me but this is the normal situation which people experience. But for me, i find it amazing.

Don't you remember your regular posts to me feeling so much concerned about my taking an antidepressant and urging me to take a mood stabilizer and especially advising lamictal. I remember at least half a dozen of messages private to me adcvising a mood stabilizer I was afraid of course to cross the barrier to the anticonvulsants. I passed on your advise to my new pdoc. I started lalmictal a fortnight ago and now i am a new person. Look what you have done. To give happiness and stability to others is like implanting a new rose in the heart of others. Can't you see your ACHIEVEMENTS.

I am very glad to be in this forum. Even when I did a mistake towards the nicest lady, I found you speaking to me in private and very politely reminding me that this is a public forum only. Indeed it's public, but I never felt so at ease as if i live in a big family like this one.

I hope the best for all of you and NEVER forget to take your meds
ezz  

[ILADVOCATE]

Thanks for the compliments. Seriously. But I was having suicidal ideations from the extreme pain of my physical disability and I would not have acted on them. As I posted if I had been having suicidal ideations that were from depression as I've always stated I wouldn't be posting here. I'd be on the phone (TTY in my case) with my psychiatrist. I was just trying to start a thread here to have people find reasons to see why they enjoy life and value themselves so at times when they don't they could look back and see why and think again. I adjusted treatment for my physical disability from advice I recieved (from the staff neurologist) that I gave to my neurologist and he found quite of help. Just another forum. Even when things are bad physically life goes on. It will be hard to physically get out and about and am setting up accomodations but I have some people to help (but can't post that for confidentiality reasons) in the outside world and now I am finally ready to. Don't worry. As regards myself life does go on. I got some energy back with some of the new treatments I am on for my physical disability and did a collage and a poem, first time in a while.
   And don''t worry standard or experimental I always take my medication as prescribed. I work with the system to keep things regulated on my end and then reach out to others. And its good to hear people have reasons of their own to keep going in life and always important to keep those in mind when life isn't going well.

[irishwriter]

you echo my life at the moment. it is difficult just to get through the day and also trying to maintain the 'no cutting' right now though i have reached the four week mark, last friday. my last suicide failure still haunts me as a failure and i remember the crystal clear quality of the water i drank to take the pills. i didn't put the phone out of the room though and i have no recollection of calling a friend who came straight away and got me to hospital. most of the time i wish i had succeeded but beyond spur of the moment desires to escape the unremitting pain of this i am usually stopped by the thought of my children who still need me so much. also pdoc is wonderful for talking me down and trying to get me to see all the good things i do and have in my life. i am still hoping for the meds that will work properly for me. the current regime is not bad but on monday pdoc and i will talk about what needs to be added or increased as the lows have been v. bad lately. i had a suicide plan for may and a part of me feels that i will be a complete prat if i don't do it. another part of me hopes that i will get through this month and that the meds will kick in and do their job. i have lost so much time in my life that i would love to be able to avail of the time i have now. i too have a problem with being able to 'act as if' i am fine when i absolutely am not.

sorry also to ramble.

iw

[Delusion]

Lol i love it when people say when your getting the thoughts get into your psychaitrist immediately like its that easy, if only we were all american eh

My reason like many other peoples would be guilt at the fact the few people who actually care would blame themselves for being so stupid and oblivious in a way it would be largely their own fault but they still do not deserve to see me die. Has anyone ever wished however for loved ones to be happy for them if they ever did it? That they finally worked up the courage and their heads are finally at peace and are no longer in pain? This is something a lot of people overlook.

[ILADVOCATE]

I would hope psychiatrists are as receptive in other countries as some of the ones I've met here. I can't say I'll ever know personally but as for research, that occurs around the world with a variety of high level researchers, pharmaceutical companies and universities networking so ideas certainly do. Disability rights are becoming more important in other countries as well. And the U.S. itself is behind on some things such as a national health care system. But I digress...
  When a person is in that state they don't think of others the same way they don't think of themselves. Its essential when we are doing well to reach out to others and have people in our lives so even if we are isolated we change that so that at times of crisis we have people that do create meaning for us. People should value themselves but we are also part of society. That's why I do need to get out physically from time to time and want to increase it. Its not been the same and I am actively trying to change that.

[LetaB]

  I just discussed just calling up and talking to my psychologist with my boyfriend and we had a good laugh. I live in America - what country do YOU live in when you have such access? Even if it weren't Sunday I have NEVER been able to speak directly to my doctor after 10 years. Now I've lost him so I called the only other psychiatrist in this valley and they told me they were making appointments 6 MONTHS in advance! the only person I could talk to right now would be some stranger with questionable credentials who would preach to me, argue with me, and consistently threaten to call the police if I am honest with her.

[Delusion]

Yep thats pretty much what its like for me.. the last two actual psychaitrists ive seen have done nothing but argue and threaten me with the consequences of wasting their time and making accusations about me supposidly lieing to them at every point. A thing that pisses me off is they say if you ever need to talk to me in a emergency if your feeling suicidal call me on this number ill answer if im not with a client or im not on a break and we only run 9-5... its pretty **** most people need help at the times the rest of the world is asleep.

[ILADVOCATE]

To be honest I wasn't always working so closely with my provider. It was a matter of mutual trust and I had to take the first step. The psychopharmocologist I see was my choice which is essential (I know not all people have that option, many people including in the U.S. have to go to a clinic and see a different provider each time). But before recovery I used to spend the whole time ranting. It really did burn them out. Now I work with them on a different level but I had to stop seeing them as the opposition. I well respect that people like to be treated like human beings but so do providers. I know part of that decision was my recovery because when I was paranoid I saw any treatment providers as the opposition. But part of it was a sense of self respect. And when you have a sense of self respect you tend to get treated better. I think that applies to all of society.

[LetaB]

  I know you don't mean to imply that my trouble with connecting to a psychiatrist is because I am treating them rudely - but it sounded that way. My psychiatrist made it very clear to me at the outset that he was not a psychologist and he didn't have time to listen to my woes. He is there to dispense medications. I go there with a clear idea of what meds I've taken already and what are my alternatives. I save ranting for therapists whom I don't see.

[ILADVOCATE]

Yes that makes sense. My psychopharmocologist functions as a talk therapist as well. He didn't always. I just got sick of him and the talk therapist playing what they called "telephone tag". He still does that with the neurologist but those are two different disabilities so its needed and anyway they work closely together. I just got sick of the talk therapist calling him and saying "he can't tolerate this medication". I felt that it was worth cutting out the middle man. That stopped years ago. For most people who respond well to known medications the idea of having a seperate talk therapist does make sense though.
   I haven't ranted in years. I do tend to recieve them from other people in my life but it makes me feel better about myself to tone them down and them as well. I have been trying to back off as regards other people's recovery but its nice to know aside from the same people everyone else has to answer as regards the law and of course my psychopharmocologist that I don't have authority figures in my life telling me how to conduct my business. It should have happenned at age 18 I'm just glad it happenned and in a manner that made them take a new approach to life.

[irishwriter]

i live in ireland and am just lucky to have found a really decent, kind pdoc who is generally available on phone whenever i need him. i spent many years with different psychologists and pdocs before i found him. i was also lucky for twelve years, ten years ago before i moved that i had an excellent gp who was also available any time to talk to if needed and still is v. understanding when i call him even though i haven't been his patient in so long. my tdoc for the last six years has been v. supportive but she has now retired so am in a bit of a quandary as to whether to find a new one and have to start from beginning again. i hope you both get to find a good pdoc who doesn't just dispense meds although my sister who lives in usa has similar arrangement, just sees pdoc for meds but has a psychologist for therapy. it sounds like a unsatisfactory arrangement to me.

[Delusion]

Quite the opposite i would infact love to see a psychaitrist for meds... its my right to try them to see if they have any effect on me because all i currently get is patronising life style advice like going to bed earlier and trying to establish a sleep pattern and its like 2 decades dont you think ive tried this!!! I just get told drugs are evil and they wont solve anything but its my right to see this for myself because im not recieveing councilling or CBT or ECT so they cant even attack back at me with the ''only after other treatments have been tried'' argument because im not allowed to try anything. How different is healthcare in Ireland compared to here in England? Im not sure which half you come from.

[ILADVOCATE]

Its distressing to me to hear that especially being on multiple debates on other sites about how the U.S. should have a national health care system and how it is better in the U.K. I can't say whether what you experience is true of everyone in the U.K. or not but you should have access to a psychiatrist if you need one. Its not only your right to try medication if you need them its your treatment. I didn't know there was a system that put psychiatric medication last. Even if its in just one place I would put the list of IL centers in the UK:
http://www.independentliving.org/docs3/cils.html#anchorUK
to contact as that's something that's worth advocating to change. Perhaps speak to them about it and that issue could be taken up if they saw it of concern which I'm sure they would. That's my approach to things and it is always working with the mental health system as to what I've done and my approach but here it seems to make treatment a last priority which is something I don't think anyone here would agree with.

[Delusion]

The problem is the woman i see keeps telling me medication is not a miracle cure and it wont fix me and it just masks the symptoms and blah blah bloody blah. Everytime i see her i explain to her i would just like to TRY them to see if they do anything for me, if they help me manage my life and actually allow me to function and dont have any adverse side effects then why is it so evil? And she tells me i need to explore other treatments first yet these other treatments are also off limits.. supposidly CBT wouldnt work because i have virtual amnesia of the last 3 years of my life so wouldnt be able to work with them on anything, she says councilling i wouldnt cooperate or turn up which to be fair would be true talking with some mental health nurse makes you feel a little better for 20mins but doesnt really do a lot more and finally drastic things like ECT she says im to young and couldnt handle it, isnt that again my choice? She just doesnt seem to understand i would let them set my skin on fire, poke pins through my eyes and conect electrodes to my freaking tongue if i knew it would help and i really dont care how unpleasant something may be at first.

Im trying to find a new psychaitrist but i only have a 4 month window left now before i go back to university in which time i'll have to start treatment all over again in another city. The NHS quality healthcare for all, Jesus..

[Delusion]

Apologies for the angry rant i realise its not very coherent.

[irishwriter]

i live in mayo (south of ireland) and i have to say when i saw public pdoc he was a waste of space and opted to see pdoc privately who now doesn't charge me for visits as he knows i am broke. i had a suicide failure last monday night and since then he calls me twice/day to check in with me and tweak meds to see if different dosages will work better for me. the tdoc i had seen was a referral from public pdoc and was just lucky to have seen her for six years as she was a good and kind person. i just hope that i can be that luck again if i opt to get a new one. i hope things have improved at your end. can you get a new pdoc where you live on a temporary basis and then maybe shop around for a good one when you get to university? some colleges have an on campus mental health service, it would be worth checking it out.,