Relationship over.

[Midijane]

D is done. Not sure how I'm feeling. I don't think I really care. He can't help how he feels and I'm perfectly content with the way things are. I'm not going to worry about another relationship ended. It's probably me but I don't really care about that either. Life is easier alone. I'm not really looking forward to being alone again but some things will definitely be easier.

He needs passion, I need security. We'll see how long he'll stay. I'll miss him when he goes. But really... he's already gone. I can't trust him anymore. He's just biding his time. I'm glad he's going bc I don't want to be w someone who gives up so easy. He's only been living here 5 1/2 months. Barely enough time to work through problems. He's making excuses now to leave, says he's still hoping it will get better. But a big part of him wants to leave, I know it. My gut says so. My gut is always right. And he will go and I'll be alone for a very long time then. A very long time. Maybe forever. Feeling numb... but numb is way better than despair. Funny, but I'm cool with that. And yes I'm aware I'm rambling. Don't care about that either.  

[Newagedieter]

M... can't believe the irony or the coincidence... after I replied to your post, just the next day... my partner broke up with me. After five years... She said she can't deal with living with the unpredictability of my behavior anymore and she can't just keep watching my moods and waiting for me to switch to this or that, always making her my punching bag and breaking up with her for no reason, then come back etc... she also said that our relationship takes too much effort constantly and she wants something more effortless (does that exist??)
I don't know how I feel... I think so far I don't think anything or feel anything... I'm not sad, depressed, I don't miss her, I don't feel like I'm empty or that I just lost the love of my life. Maybe I'm in disbelief... cuz for the last month I have been symptom free, after 5 months of agony between ups and downs and mixed episodes. I am not colored by my disorder right now. Our relationship was going well even. Now I am so broken to realize that my disorder that has taken so much from me in my life just took the last thing I loved and needed.
I hope we get to write more to each other on this subject. I am in the unknown...

[Midijane]

Hello,
Thanks for your opinion, it makes good sense. Yes relationships are super difficult for me to maintain and I do realize I push people away sometimes bc I need freedom. I hadn't thought of the fact that others are trying to help ground us, interesting point to consider.

It's so hard to explain to someone without BP the depths to which we sink when we're depressed and the levels of irritability and anxiety that come with being manic. I do feel guilt sometimes that everyone has to deal w me on this roller coaster of emotions and stability. My family is used to it but friends and significant others tend to walk.

The difference between loneliness and solitude is... solitude is chosen. I choose solitude to make life simpler and manageable, but Then I feel lonely. Haven't figured out yet how to read myself and take care of myself when I'm bouncing between highs and lows.

Thanks for posting. I appreciate your response.

M

[Newagedieter]

It's difficult for us bipolar to have a healthy long term relation. Sometimes we are lucky and someone finds us and maybe at first they see us as fascinating and so lively then at first they'll take care of us when we get depressed and they make it their mission to get us back on track. Life gets messy for them and they get tired after a while. If they are committed to our relationship, they'll stand by while the storm passes. We are not easy, many times we drive them crazy, we overwhelm them. They might need a break, or they may go on a whim, thinking that we will pull through quicker if we realize what we can loose. Wish it was that simple. But when they are gone, specially if we're in a manic phase, we somehow manage to block them out of our thoughts, convincing ourselves and others that we're better off without them and that we're happy to be alone anyways. We can even feel that this way we have more of a chance to soar and find happiness away from the person who has been holding us down. Thing is they are not holding us down, they are trying to ground us and protect us, from ourselves. When we fall back again, we miss them, we cry over them, we start calling them to come back. Because they have been a caring and understanding presence in our lives. You will go through all that, you will want him back. You will grieve your relationship like anyone else if he doesn't. Be careful not to go on promiscuous behavior and shopping sprees while he's not there. Everything can be forgiven if we try to fix things while they are fixable and I learnt the hard way that I shouldn't let my disorder justify all I do when I'm not well. There's a limit to what people should accept from us just coz we're bipolar. Realize that, assess your relationship and where you went wrong and understand that if he loves you, he's also experiencing a loss right now. So when you stabilize, sit with him again and discuss things away from the distortion you are having now cuz of your episode, that way if it still doesn't work out, you would know you did everything you could to save things. Good luck and please keep me posted.  

[CRSeaside]

Hi Darlin.  Women have an intuition.  I know what you are talking about. It may feel like the end of partnership forever. But you'll find a partner again. Do you know why?  Because you are a beautiful person with so much to give.  We're here on earth to help one another.  
  So go forward. If it helps to be cynical about love for now that is ok too. Pamela