Relationship with someone bipolar and an alcoholic

[jamiecase]

Hello,

I've been seeing someone that I believe has bipolar (from everything I read about it) for few months.  He's never told me he has the disorder and I don't believe he's on any meds. He is also an alcoholic (something he admits).  It's been an extremely tolling experience.  Lots of ups, but also lots of downs.  I've seen him blow up, loose his temper on numerous occasions, normally this happens while he's under the influence.  This makes me very nervous and I tend to shut down because I don't want to put him over the edge and get violent. In our relationship, he never takes the blame for anything, everything is always my fault, he twist my words and actions, and even if I show him the evidence, he will keep accusing me of things I didn't say/do. When we have an argument, he will give me the silent treatment and will not respond to my calls, sometimes this will last for days, then later when confronted will say he was fine and deny purposefully giving me the silent treatment.  He will blow up for no reason and will make a huge issue of something really minor, which will escalate into a break-up, which is what happened again. Another thing that I find strange is that one minute he'll say he loves me, then he takes that back and says he just likes me, and says he's not sure he wants to be with me.

I realize this is a board for bipolar disorder and not for someone who's bipolar and an alcoholic, but I'm hoping I can get some insight from anyone that's dealt with someone who struggles with both and not seeking help. It breaks my heart, because I love him, and want to help him, but I'm not sure how, and even if I'm capable of doing so.

Thanks.

[TotallyNumb]

I know you posted a few months ago and I am hoping you will see my reply. I am in a 23yr. marriage with an Alcoholic with Bipolar disease. I really could use someone to talk to. Your story sounds like my life except for the fact that I am still living it. Or I should say, he is...
***@****

[lifemessage]

I  was married to  a bi polar alchoholic for 45 yrs...who refused medication..on any given day or moment i had no idea what he was going to do..infidelity,physical abuse,never being able to hold down a job,isolation ,it was shear madness.I walked on egg shells always trying to keep the peace,no matter what i did that could never be...i lost myself with his disease..always trying to keep it together..when the beatings became so bad,i realiized that one day i may be dead at the hands of someone i loved..i finally had the courage to leave..no matter what you try to do you cannot fix them.they have to seek their own help.he has since passed away..i look at my life today with great sadness,foundation was there,we loved eachother but it was not a healthy existence..you cant help him ..you need to help you and move forward..its a terrible disease so much bigger than you..only one lifetime..find yourself because you will never find him..part of the disease.

[jjswartz_1]

Yes it is very hard for people to understand that bipolar is a chemical imbalance.  When the chemicals are out of wack......our feelings, energy levels, cognitive functions become out of wack.  

I am always saying that the way i feel inside has nothing to do with what is going on in my life.  A depression can start when everything in my life is great.  These cycles just come and go as they want.  

In fact I think I was one of those people that was very skeptical about depression.  Now having developed a mental illness it gives me a much different perspective on the whole matter.

[annie33333]

thank you for saying so...i am a recovering alcoholic and bipolar with serious PTSD...i have always been a naive and loving individual and never blown up and been angry at anyone, even before i was diagnosed.  a combination of these two diseases though can be very challenging.  once the bipolar issue can be addressed with therapy and medication, it is quite possible that he could be in a place to get sober.  that is how it worked for me.  i still have serious issues and have to change medications as my body ages and changes, but they are mostly due to depression and the PTSD.  the manic depressive swings have gone and the craving for alcohol and drugs have left me.  unfortunately, my 1st husband was very ashamed of me having this disease and refused to allow me treatment.  when we divorced in 2001, i went off the deep end but my medication stabilized by 2005.  my husband now doesn't understand this disease and when i get depressed, he just says 'don't be sad' or 'don't cry' which i can't change, of course.  that is the important thing to remember...stabilization comes and goes...suicidal thoughts come and go...NO ONE can change these feelings...they just happen

[jjswartz_1]

Bipolar Disorder can be a very challenging disease.  However just because you are bipolar does not mean that you have a personality problem.  People with bipolar disorder can still be loving, caring and emapthetic in relationships.  I think that dealing with the substance abuse ( alcohol) problem first must be the first step before thinking, diagnosing and dealing with Bipolar issues.  Often dealing witht the addiction first may cure any mood disturbances.  However alcoholism is a very hard think in and of itself to deal with.  The alcoholic must WANT to change and quit on their own.  I know that you may love this person, but you should not have to put up with abuse pschologically or fear violence in any relationship.  Good Luck.

[GeminiX]

Jamie,

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I am bi polar but not tipping any bottle, maybe 2 beers an entire yr. Anyways, i to lose it from time to time and nobody would be able to convince me i am in the wrong. I will hit walls, broke my hands once when i was in high school on a brick wall. Will literally destroy EVERYTHING in front of me. I used to be on meds, even wound up in a hospital. We have kids and our younger ones dont see me lose it much, if at all. Our older 2 seen it growing up.
I never lost it just because. Something was bugging me, from bills, money, use your imagination.
I am on no meds but when/if i feel something coming on i will smoke a tad just to calm me down. I dont abuse it what so ever.  Although some Doctors will say its a bad idea, whatever. I am not here to tell you or him what to do, however i am simply telling you how i was and what i do for a possible reference.
My wife will let me know if she sees any changes in my mood and tell me as i may not see them myself. We went through ups and down for many yrs. Why my wife is still with me, i have not a clue. I mean i could have threw something across the room and hurt one of the kids or worse. We are now very happy now but things still cross my mind which i will not get into. In my opinion, it is in your best interest to leave. He may need your help but until he realizes he has a prob, its a lost cause sorry to say :(
I wish you the very best love but to wake him up back into reality, he NEEDS to be scared. I dont want to over discuss this so i will leave it at that, if ya wanna talk, feel free to email me. I would even reach out to you and give you are phone number, you could talk to my wife and what not :)

Regards,

Daniel G.

[TerriM73]

Daniel,

I have a husband that is bipolar and a alcoholic. He is on meds. for his bipolar and will even admit he has a drinking problem; but has no interest in stopping.

I have no idea how to tell him how I feel or really even talk to him. If I say how I feel, I’m screwing with him, blaming him or manipulating him and turning everything around. I tell him I’m not but he won’t listen. He’s also usually drunk. Even when I’m just talking he’ll later say all I do is *****. I’ll ask for examples and he’ll have done.

Do you have any suggestions on how to bring up how I feel without sounding all those things?

Thanks
Terri

[specialmom]

Hi TerriM73!  I am so sorry, sweetie!  I think so often alcoholics do have underlying mental health issues.  Bipolar is pretty significant.  I am just going to say that he probably isn't supposed to drink while on his meds . . .   but I know that doesn't matter to an alcoholic.  How much and hoe often does he drink?  Really hard.  How to confront an alcoholic.  They All seem to be in denial until they can't be anymore.  Does he have any  repercussions from his drinking you can link for him? Loss work? Illness? Injury? Money trouble?  Sadly, just the damage they do to their family often isn't enough to get their attention.  Sigh.  I'm going to recommend something.  Knowing that this is HIS problem is a little freeing.  Even if you can't leave him, you can begin to live your own best self and life.  He knows how you feel, most likely.  I'd start to set some boundaries such as not sitting and eating dinner with him like everything is normal if he is drunk.  Not getting into a car for him if he's had a drop.  Not buying his booze.  Leaving any function, family or social, that he drinks as soon as he starts.  It's a little hard because you've likely played along for a long time but if you have your boundaries, he will feel that his drinking has consequences.  I'd also get some support for yourself.  A therapist would be great.  Al Anon is supposed to be comforting.  It's probably online now making it easier.  NEVER try to talk to him when he is drinking.  Never fall into the trap of letting him geode you into being his excuse FOR drinking.  Just be matter of fact about it all.  How long have yo been with him?  Got kids?

[jamiecase]

I've never been with someone who's an alcoholic and at first I just thought he enjoyed drinking, but as time went on, he stopped hiding just how much he drinks and blatantly admitted to being an alcoholic. His behavior was really strange and left me confused a lot of times, so I guess I was just trying to understand.

[LIZZIE LOU]

his actions seem like a typical alcoholic

[jamiecase]

Thanks lindahand. I've made an appointment to see a counselor, to heal and to cope and maybe get some answers. I used to think that you can love someone enough to wholeness, but that's not true, he needs to seek the help, and unfortunately he's not doing so at this time, so all I can do is move on.

[jamiecase]

Thank you lindahand. I have called and set up an appointment to get some counseling.  This has affected me quite a bit, something I didn't even realize until my friends pointed it out. I keep reminding myself that he is a grown man, and he has choices. I've tried to help him because I do love him, but you can only help those that want the help, and he doesn't, at least at this time.

Thank you again.

[jamiecase]

Thanks Hummingbird24.  Yes, I've been realizing more and more that there isn't anything I can do to help, I used to try my hardest, but it has to come from him.  Fortunately we do not have any children, so I guess I can make a clean break, even though it is painful.

[lindahand]

You may want to get some counselling and figure out what is attracting you to dsyfunctional relationships. He is functionally unavailable to you, and will be until HE decides it is bad enough to get help. The best thing you can do for him is to tell him he gets help, or you leave, and mean it. If he doesn't get help you walk.

Because what you are describing isn't romantic love, its a dsyfunctional neediness. I'm not judging, I've done it myself. That is why this email has more red flags than I can count.

Real love, the kind worth having, means you give and you take. That you have someone you know for sure will be there when the chips are down, and celebrate with you for the good moments. If you are the only one making the effort, it isn't real love and you are worth more than that. He's not a wounded puppy you can nurse back to health, he's a grown man makings some very bad mistakes he's not willing to address.

I strongly suggest cutting your losses and moving on.

[Hummingbird24]

No you are not able to help him. He is a grown man and needs to take responsibility for his actions and his own health. You need to leave this clearly abusive relationship. It will escalate to physical abuse, it's common for it to start out as just an "anger problem" and verbal/emotional abuse. Get out now while it no children are involved. Get yourself to a support group so you can recognize signs of abusive relationships. It sounds like it has taken a toll on your self esteem or you would have already left. No one deserves to be treated that way