Just wanting to vent.
I love my family very much but sometimes I just want to runaway and hide. I that is is paranoia but sometimes i feel like they are plotting against me. i know that being bp is hurting my family. Its hurting me. I hope that the calm and peace will come soon. I just want a " normal" life with out all the drama.
Yes, its hard, even when thinking positive. When people don't understand it's like, damn what do I do next"? But Running is not the answer, belive me. Just be bigger and deal with it..get you together and leave as soon as you get the money together...it's hard to work because the bossed don't feel you, buit we gotta make it. It's crazy cuz the family is pose to know us, but its just not like that.
yes i know that you are right about not running away. i know that i cant. i just wanted to get out what i was thinking. running away to a place where im understood and not judged or where i dont have to pretend would be so nice. no family doesnt understand they just want you to say that everything is fine no matter what.
thanks for your input
I ran away...15 yrs ago. It was the biggest mistake of my life. I felt they no longer needed me. I was having hallucinations and paranoia and crazy thoughts. Now I have been talking to my children and they cannot forgive or forget. I regret this with everything inside of me and I can never take it back. Please talk to someone about all of your feelings. There are other options. Take care and if you need to talk...I will listen...
Right now I can understand exactly where you are coming from with the desire to run away - its natural to want to do it but It's not a solution - sometimes all we can do is stand and fight it - if you have family who love you then talk to them, explain what is going on and let them help you work through this.
In the end the one reality is you can't run from your mind.
As for normal - well my psychologist puts it this way - "define normal". Normal is what works for you, it sounds to me like you need a therapist to talk to and some help right now, there's nothing wrong with that and trust me paranoia is nothing unusual and you are not alone, and thats the key, youre not alone - there are lots of people here who will support you the best they can with advice or a just listening, thats what community is about.
We have all been there - sometimes it reminds me of one of my favorite lines from the west wing from the episode Noel.
"This guy's walkin' down a street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can't get out. A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, "Hey you! Can you help me out?" The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole, and moves on. Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, "Father, I'm down in this hole; can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. "Hey, Joe, it's me. Can ya help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, "Are ya stupid? Now we're both down here." The friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before and I know the way out."
A lot us have been down here before. There is a way out.
I just LOVE the monkeyc comments - you are SO dead on in all of your blogs. You should really write a book about "our life" (BP's). You have such a good perspective.
1989 - you are experiencing the lovely issues of BPisms... We know exactly how you feel. There is no - "normal", forget that. You are who you are, and it's hard to not know what someone else "wants" in you, but that's ok too. I am having to discover my own personality now, and it's scary at times, and that makes you want to hide from family and friends.
Also, dont' run and hide - because we all feel like a burden, at times. When you feel that way, just do what you just did and talk to someone here that understands, and then talk to you family and friends. Or - talk to a therapist.
But, to answer further the "normal" - what you are feeling is "normal" to us BP-ers. So, there, you are normal.
:) Hang in there.
MAN, I love that scenario, monkeyc, wonderful. You rock
Lets just say right now I have no problem with trying to help other people, it helps me to move past where I am at the moment in my life.
I know what its like to want to run away, because right now I want to do anything I can to get away from the situation I am in with my Wife's family right now but in the end you can't run - I spent a long time running from my illness and it caught me in the end.
Most of this is common sense its just that we don't always process common sense the way other people do, our minds don't work like that - I feel blessed that I have good docs and supportive friends and I grew up with a mother who was manic depressive as well as had MS, Lupus and Addisons - Im used to the way people react I guess but I don't pretend to have any answers beyond one - What works for you is what works for you and I have found the key to staying sane and surviving this thing is getting know know yourself and admitting when you need help and support.
The hardest thing in the world for me is asking for help - I can offer advice and support to other people all day but I find it so hard to ask for help for me..
Amen - my therapist says I am an unbelievably giving person, but don't think of myself enough to fight for myself. Asking for help is like the hardest thing in the world.
I grew up with a Mom that didn't deal with her own issues of depression, my Dad who I truly feel like he was manic depressive and self medicated himself, and DID run away a lot. I am just trying to get on track so I don't affect my boys to much with my issues. My 19 year old has depression issues, and it worries me. I ran for a long time too, and know what you mean about that.
The main thing that I want you to know is that as a BP, we don't always see ourselves in a positive light, but your help and support is so genuine that I know myself, personally, it helps a lot.
What's going on that is putting in you in the state you are in right now?
It's frustrating when you want to scream, "NO I AM NOT ALRIGHT!" to your family, and they just ignore it and want you to say you are just fine and everything is looking great.
I know, in my case, I can say that what you feel, I also feel, and yes, it is frustrating, hurts, and is exhausting. The "running away" to me is not just a physical absense that most would think of running away. Mine involves shutting the blinds, turning the ringer off the phone, and not coming out of my house. That's a lot of how I "run away" - my friends know when I am "running away" when I do that, and they give me a little room, then try to make sure I am ok. I have 1 friend that I trust and he trusts me in my illness to know when I am REALLY ok, and when he needs to come over and throw me in the shower and make me go eat pancakes.
For the most part, when I talk to my family, I am all sunshine and giggles about how WONDEFUL I am doing!!! (it's a little gross to me and makes me feel like such a liar - but that's the only thing they want to hear.)
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