Running into a brick wall

[angryandconfused17]

My Family does not accept my Bipolar diagnosis at all. By family I mean my mother,father and so on. So, therefore when I do have to be around them I am cut no slack what so ever. I walk on egg shells and do my very best to behave the so called  norm. I am on meds, different ones for 12 years now. My mind races, running in circles, running into brick walls like a childs remote contol car that has no where to go and cannot escape. When I return home to my husband, we live a couple hundred miles away, thankfully, I cannot deal with him at all. No matter what he says or does, I can't stand him. We fight. I don't want him to touch me, hug me, kiss me, nothing at all. Every word out of his mouth is poision. I hate him. But, I know I don't really, but I do. I am fighting myself in my head. Fighting myself everyday, constantly. I have an appt. to see a new therapist, oh joy. When will it ever end? Why do I do this to him? He is going to leave me one day and more than likely take my children. Other than the way I have a perfectly organized home. It is very clean, my oldest child makes perfect grades and is in all advanced placement classes and has tested in the top 2% in the state in science and math. My youngest just turned three and can already count to 25, knows the entire alphabet by sight, my get my point here. I try so hard to do all things perfect and I am not achieving anything. I still want death and the real me is inside fighting this evil ***** who has stolen my body and done secretive evil things that no one else knows about. I want out. What do I do?
Wow, I didn't expect all of that to come out.

[Eureka24]

I know how the family thing feels. Oh my family believes I am crazy, batshit crazy, but won't read up on my diagnosis to better understand my particular situation. It hurts that they find my life funny. I have found that sometimes when they are particular cold or harsh I want to hate my husband but that is because I feel safe enough to hate him. I have worked through this by talking to him and just saying "I really want to be mean to you right now but it has nothing to do with you". It doesn't change the fact that inside I am hating him and wanting to kill him sometimes, but then I know it is me.  It sounds like he has been through a lot with you. I would say work on yourself, new meds, new therapist, and finding a therapist you click with isn't easy. Keep your head up. Hope things get better soon.

[ticked]

It seems like you are doing good but your family is not helping your situation and it only makes things worse as your family is supposed to be your support chain.

I know this all too well as my family doesnt accept my sisters schizophrenic diagnoses and doesnt accept anything that isnt normal or anything that causes them problems. etc.

Maybe your meds need to be changed. Sometimes our bodies get so used to the meds and they need to be changed once in a while or something added.

I am here for you if you need to talk  :)